Anonymous wrote:Players also help reduce the number of available good guys there are in the dating market. The (otherwise) good guys see what sorts of behavior is rewarded by sex and attention and try to emulate that behavior. [/quote]



But can you really call them "good guys" if they are susceptible to that kind of influence?

Elektra wrote:I have talked to a lot of women who were seeing players and they were getting into endless discussions of "does he love me?" and "what motivates the things he does?" I could see their behavior and I wondered why they would stay in that situation. I thought I was immune to the effects of having a relationship with a "player" because I wasn't asking for fidelity. What I failed to recognize was that I was exactly like those women, thinking I was somehow different. In the end, what you are to a player is a woman to have sex with. They do not see you as different from the others. In fact, if they have chosen you, it is probably because they see you as passive, sweet, and more likely to put up with a lot of crap. So if you happen to last a little longer than the average woman does with a player, don't assume that this means he will miss you when you're gone. You are a piece of ass to him and pieces of ass are expendable.

Elektra wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Players also help reduce the number of available good guys there are in the dating market. The (otherwise) good guys see what sorts of behavior is rewarded by sex and attention and try to emulate that behavior.

But can you really call them "good guys" if they are susceptible to that kind of influence?

Anonymous wrote:For him, you just weren't worth settling down with.

My fiance was a player. He was "seeing" 3 or 4 girls simultaneously when we started dating. And by seeing, I mean pretty much using them for sex and fun and whatever else they'd give him, even though they knew he wasn't calling them his girlfriend.

I was dating someone else too though, so, I didn't care and I wasn't sleeping with him. When he wanted to be exclusive and have sex with me, he had already stopped talking to all the other girls by then. Actually, on the second date, he let me know he was telling the other girls he wasn't able to go out with them anymore because he was seeing someone.

Some players do end their ways...they've just gotta want to do it and find someone they want to do it with.

Anonymous wrote:

Elektra wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Players also help reduce the number of available good guys there are in the dating market. The (otherwise) good guys see what sorts of behavior is rewarded by sex and attention and try to emulate that behavior.

But can you really call them "good guys" if they are susceptible to that kind of influence?

Sure. Wanting sex isn't shameful (despite cultural messages to the contrary), and enjoying the romantic attentions of women is perfectly normal. These are very strong motivators for a great many men, good and bad alike. Responding to strong incentives doesn't make a guy bad. For guys motivated by these incentives (sex and attention), it comes down to a choice between reacting to what women say they want in a man or reacting to what women act like they want in a man. Words are wind, as the man said. To the extent women, particularly in those oh so formative teen years, are chasing after guys who treat people decently, there is no dissonance. But, to the extent they're chasing after the guys who gave other guys wedgies, the message comes across loud and clear.

Elektra wrote:

Anonymous wrote:For him, you just weren't worth settling down with.

My fiance was a player. He was "seeing" 3 or 4 girls simultaneously when we started dating. And by seeing, I mean pretty much using them for sex and fun and whatever else they'd give him, even though they knew he wasn't calling them his girlfriend.

I was dating someone else too though, so, I didn't care and I wasn't sleeping with him. When he wanted to be exclusive and have sex with me, he had already stopped talking to all the other girls by then. Actually, on the second date, he let me know he was telling the other girls he wasn't able to go out with them anymore because he was seeing someone.

Some players do end their ways...they've just gotta want to do it and find someone they want to do it with.

I hope you are correct about this one but my guess is that in ten years he will be back to his old ways and I also wonder if you will ever really trust him.

Elektra wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Elektra wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Players also help reduce the number of available good guys there are in the dating market. The (otherwise) good guys see what sorts of behavior is rewarded by sex and attention and try to emulate that behavior.

But can you really call them "good guys" if they are susceptible to that kind of influence?

Sure. Wanting sex isn't shameful (despite cultural messages to the contrary), and enjoying the romantic attentions of women is perfectly normal. These are very strong motivators for a great many men, good and bad alike. Responding to strong incentives doesn't make a guy bad. For guys motivated by these incentives (sex and attention), it comes down to a choice between reacting to what women say they want in a man or reacting to what women act like they want in a man. Words are wind, as the man said. To the extent women, particularly in those oh so formative teen years, are chasing after guys who treat people decently, there is no dissonance. But, to the extent they're chasing after the guys who gave other guys wedgies, the message comes across loud and clear.

I agree on the part about wanting sex and romantic attention. There is absolutely nothing wrong with that. But when ethics and compassion and treating people with respect fly out the window, you are not dealing with a decent guy. There are ways to have sex without being an ass.

To the PP who talked about trying to be in an open relationship with a player and getting lied to anyway: I have been in that situation, yes, and it sucked. But even when there is honesty, you are still dealing with a man who does not necessarily have the capability of honor, empathy, and real attachment so, no matter what, you are going to end up in a bad place at some point with this person.

Anonymous wrote:

Elektra wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Elektra wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Players also help reduce the number of available good guys there are in the dating market. The (otherwise) good guys see what sorts of behavior is rewarded by sex and attention and try to emulate that behavior.

But can you really call them "good guys" if they are susceptible to that kind of influence?

Sure. Wanting sex isn't shameful (despite cultural messages to the contrary), and enjoying the romantic attentions of women is perfectly normal. These are very strong motivators for a great many men, good and bad alike. Responding to strong incentives doesn't make a guy bad. For guys motivated by these incentives (sex and attention), it comes down to a choice between reacting to what women say they want in a man or reacting to what women act like they want in a man. Words are wind, as the man said. To the extent women, particularly in those oh so formative teen years, are chasing after guys who treat people decently, there is no dissonance. But, to the extent they're chasing after the guys who gave other guys wedgies, the message comes across loud and clear.

I agree on the part about wanting sex and romantic attention. There is absolutely nothing wrong with that. But when ethics and compassion and treating people with respect fly out the window, you are not dealing with a decent guy. There are ways to have sex without being an ass.

To the PP who talked about trying to be in an open relationship with a player and getting lied to anyway: I have been in that situation, yes, and it sucked. But even when there is honesty, you are still dealing with a man who does not necessarily have the capability of honor, empathy, and real attachment so, no matter what, you are going to end up in a bad place at some point with this person.

I don't agree about them not having honor or empathy, but yes, when are you involved with someone who is involved with other people, and having sex with all of you, and going with whichever one seems fun that night, then no, you aren't going to get him to be attached to you when that's how the relationship starts.

Anonymous wrote:For him, you just weren't worth settling down with.

My fiance was a player. He was "seeing" 3 or 4 girls simultaneously when we started dating. And by seeing, I mean pretty much using them for sex and fun and whatever else they'd give him, even though they knew he wasn't calling them his girlfriend.

I was dating someone else too though, so, I didn't care and I wasn't sleeping with him. When he wanted to be exclusive and have sex with me, he had already stopped talking to all the other girls by then. Actually, on the second date, he let me know he was telling the other girls he wasn't able to go out with them anymore because he was seeing someone.

Some players do end their ways...they've just gotta want to do it and find someone they want to do it with.

Elektra wrote:

Anonymous wrote:For him, you just weren't worth settling down with.

My fiance was a player. He was "seeing" 3 or 4 girls simultaneously when we started dating. And by seeing, I mean pretty much using them for sex and fun and whatever else they'd give him, even though they knew he wasn't calling them his girlfriend.

I was dating someone else too though, so, I didn't care and I wasn't sleeping with him. When he wanted to be exclusive and have sex with me, he had already stopped talking to all the other girls by then. Actually, on the second date, he let me know he was telling the other girls he wasn't able to go out with them anymore because he was seeing someone.

Some players do end their ways...they've just gotta want to do it and find someone they want to do it with.

I hope you are correct about this one but my guess is that in ten years he will be back to his old ways and I also wonder if you will ever really trust him.

Anonymous wrote:
If he hasn't already. Players can never leave the game for long.