Forum Index
»
Infants, Toddlers, & Preschoolers
Second babies: how to decide and how do you deal?
![[Post New]](/jforum/templates/default/images/icon_minipost_new.gif){kind=icon}
Anonymous
|
So, I do not want this to evolve into what's best: only child v. sibling. I realize that there are pros and cons to each of these scenarios.
I am interested in how people decided whether to have a second child (or not) and for those that actually have more than one, how did you cope? Here's my situation, I have an 8 mos. old. I was originally dead set on only one. Now I'm not so sure. However, there are a lot of things that are making me think twice. The added cost of a second. The fact that I have no family in the area to help out. My DH may be traveling for work, leaving me with balancing work and kids on my own for up to 10 days at a time. Let me also say that I struggled greatly with our first child as a tiny baby. I had some PPD (I think) and was VERY neurotic about everything, esp. sleep. My DD is extremely "easy" compared to alot of babies (sleeps well eats well, doesn't get sick easily). That being said, she's still a baby and they are "hard." I don't know how I'd cope with two. I feel like I barely cope with one. More specifically, I still get some down time with the one. How would i handle all of the things that go along w/ a newborn AND have a toddler to chase around, play with, etc. Then there's work . . . And, my marriage has def suffered a loss of intimacy (in all sense of the word, not just sex). I feel the strain will be even greater with two. All of that being said, I feel like there is a part of me that needs a second. I don't know exactly where these feelings are coming from. . . . and if we decide on no more, I seriously think that I'll grieve a little. Just talking out loud. And, just want to see what others have to say. |
Anonymous
| We have one right now and may stop there. We're not sure yet. . . . And our child is already 2. Are there factors (e.g., maternal age) that you feel are driving you to make this decision quickly? If you can, why not wait and see if the part of you that "needs a second child" still seems as strong when your first child is a bit older? In other words, perhaps you don't need to put this kind of pressure on yourself just now? |
Meconbear
Member Offline
Member Offline
|
You know, I would've said that same things as you when my DS was 8 m.o. You're in the trenches right now, and it's hard to see how you could possibly do it again. At one point, I thought I would go nuts if I didn't have a little time to myself, get a date with DH, get a little of my old life back, etc.
My DS is 14 m.o. now, and just over the last month, has gotten LOTS easier to handle and much more fun to be around. He knows how to slide off the bed backwards instead of crawling off of it, knows how to throw away his own diaper, and kind of 'gets' hide-and-seek. I can totally see myself having a second baby now that the first year is over. Anyway, just some thoughts: but don't make any decisions until after your DC is 18 months old, no matter what it costs FIND A BABYSITTER to get some alone time with your DH, and hang in there! |
Anonymous
we have two. i always wanted more than one, in fact had to go through a lot of expensive and emotionally wrenching treatments to get the second. i wanted it so badly. when i was pg with second i sometimes though - will i ever get any sleep/downtime in my life?? but believe me, 1 vs 2 is not that different. you made the huge mental adjustment from 0 to 1, 1 to 2 is not so bad cause you already are in the parental mode. when they are 2+ , they get so SO much easier. and now i am happy i have a baby cause my 3+ boy does not want to snuggle so much, and is very independent, so i have the baby to smush  sex life is not the greatest but hey, i am sure we will get more of it as kids are bigger.
|
Anonymous
|
I'm 35, and so feel like I can't wait too long. FWIW.
k |
Anonymous
| My advice would be not to think about it too much now. You are still in the trenches and everything you're feeling is normal. Work on time for you and on your marriage. Things will get sooo much easier. I'm in the "terrible twos" and, I swear, it's so much easier than the first year. When you get into the groove with your new life, then evaluate what you want. |
Anonymous
| At 35 and since you already had a healthy baby--you can wait if you need to..there is no rush. I had my first when I just turned 38 so 35 sounds downright young to me!! |
Anonymous
|
You say in your post that "part of you wants a second". What part of you?
Do you crave the attention that a pregnancy and newborn brings (especially since you mentioned PPD) and with your DH traveling so much? Do you need "someone" even if it is a baby to take care of you - it is part of human nature to want to feel needed. I guess the short answer is not so much only child vs. sibling, but for your particular situation and your specific doubts - WHY do you want one? It just sounds like there are bigger issues... Just as important - what does DH think? |
Anonymous
|
It is def. NOT the attention. Because I do not like to be the center of attention. I don't even really like being pregnant all that much (I was HUGE and had a very large baby). There are no "bigger issues" here. DH is supportive and will do whatever I want.
I don't really know how to describe what side of me wants another child. I just feel like our family won't be complete. I love the idea of another child and doing things together as a family (family outings and such). I love the idea of watching another child -in addition to our current child- growing and experiencing things. But I just have doubts whether I can handle the baby stage again, esp with another young child to care for. How does anyone? Bc, it seems so daunting to me. I know that people do with less resources than I have. I just don't know how they do it. That is why I posted here to see how people handle the addition. |
Anonymous
These are kind of bizarre questions given how little information we have. I think a lot of people, myself included, have always assumed we wanted 2 children, for lots of unarticulated reasons (grew up with siblings, seems like it's what we've always wanted, seems like most families are families of 4). Then you have one and you think, "yikes, can I really do this again?" But then things get easier, and most people decide they do want another. I don't think not fully understanding why you want a second means anything sinister about your intentions. I do think doubts should be explored, but they're not that unusual, especially months after you have your first. Don't worry too much about it OP. I think what you want will become clearer with a little time. |
Anonymous
|
thought I never wanted children, had one, instantly wanted another.
1 child = peace 2 chidren = control craziness 3 or more = commit yourself
If you are thinking you want another, go for it. It may not even happen. I don't you can really "decide" based on $. We can never afford our children. They don't need money, they need love, and believe me, you will love the second as much as the first. But, that said, maybe one is enough for you. And that is okay too. Why do you ask STRANGERS such an important question. I hope our answers do not sway you one way or the other. |
Anonymous
| Because sometimes strangers can give the most honest answers. And, I did not ask for permission to have a second but how others decided and how they coped with a second baby (esp. if any had some of the same concerns that I do now). How were you able to do it all . . . Just to clarify . . . |
Anonymous
|
It sounds from your post and later replies that you want a second but are afraid (maybe more how to deal than how to decide). You stated you have access to resources, so use them to help you through the baby stage, if that is your greatest fear. Those first few months are indeed tough and every child is different so assume that you will be struggling (but of course I hope you won't be) and prepare for it. Can you hire a part time/full time nanny or baby nurse? Can your husband take FMLA/paternity leave to help? The fact that your even considering going through it again when your first is only 8 months to me indicates that you want the second. If you don't have any known conceiving issues (e.g. maternal age, fertility, etc) then why not give yourself some time before adding #2?
I am currently pregnant w/#2, due in March. #1 is about 2 1/2. I don't particularly like being pregnant, nor am I looking forward to delivery and those first few months post partum. But in the big picture, that is such a small amount of time. And I know it will be so worth it to have #2 to add to our family. Good luck in your decision. And enjoy this time with your first. You will see so much growth in the next few months (walking/talking/etc.). |
Anonymous
|
I'm pregnant w/#2. So you asked how to decide....I decided when my son was 10 months old which was a huge turnaround for me b/c at 8 months I was convinced I was stopping at one. There were 6 convincing factors for me.
1) I wanted my son to have a sibling to grow up with. 2) my sister is much younger than I and so I knew there can be difficulties when kids are spaced far apart and when parents are too much older. Since I was in my mid-thirties, I knew that if I wanted a second I wanted him/her close in age to my first and before I was 40 (to avoid giving offense to anyone...I know many parents in their 40s are wonderful parents, but I watched my parents -in their 40s at the time - be much less wonderful with my sister than with me) 3) I read in few books that it is best to space kids wither under 2 years apart or over 4 years apart to minimize the sibling rivalry. Based on siblings I know, this does seem to be (more or less) true and for the reasons I mentioned before, I did not want to wait too long. 4) A friend of my mentioned that she was going to try to space her kids close together to "get it over with" and this resonated with me, b/c I found the whole newborn stage (0-6 months) very very tough. And in thinking about having 2 close together, I realized it is going to be very difficult for the first 3 years (maybe first five judging from some of the postings about difficult 3-4 year olds) but then it should get better. So, we will have concentrated what I think the difficult years are. 5) I also know that kids and parents can disappoint one another. And this may sound terrible, but I thought 2 helps to spread the risk that we would wind up with a good relationship with at least one when we were older. This is based on my own personal experience and I do hope and plan to try to build good relationships with each child. 6) The switch from 0 to 1 was very tough. But, we are in parenting mode now. So, if we are going to go to the zoo every weekend, why not take along 2 rather than 1? I know it's harder...but I don't think it's 2x as hard. This list may not make sense to anyone else....but it is a list of my reasons for having a 2nd. PS. for anyone who is interested, DH was ready to have a 2nd when our child #1 was 6 weeks. So, this purely was my decision - his decision making was an entirely different process and based on different factors although luckily we eventually reached the same point. |
Anonymous
| We have two, and of course I wouldn't give up either one for the world, but I do sometimes think wistfully about what life could be like if we had stopped after one. I'm not concerned about money, travel, etc. Mostly, I think that I could have been a better mother if I had only had one. I don't deal easily or naturally with children, and I am contantly exhausted and torn between them. Also, moving from one to two definitely hurt my marriage (which is obviously not good for the kids). With one, we were in it together; with two, the children and I have become more of a unit (esp since they are girls), with my husband on the outside. We weren't absolutely set on having a second; we weren't absolutely set on having a first for that matter. We went ahead because we thought it would be good for our first to have a sibling and because we thought we might regret not having a second later on. Again, our second is amazing and precious, but in retrospect, I think we could have given this decision more thought. We might still have had a second child, but we would have been better prepared. |