Breaking the news to a friend who is experiencing fertility issues
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Dogmama
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I have a dear friend who has been trying to get pregnant for a really long time. She is over 40 years old, and has a number of donor eggs, sperms available so she is trying to get implanted. (I don't know if that is the lingo- but you get my drift). I have been supportive of her process and even attended doctor appointments with her. When she asked me about my plans for kids, I would tell her I did not have any plans- and truly- I did not. Until some weeks ago, when I found out that I was pregnant.
Now I am very excited about potentially being a mom, and I really want to share my news with her. I know she will eventually be happy for me, but I want to be able to break the news with as much sensitivity as I possibly can, and honor our friendship. What are your suggestions to do so? |
Anonymous
| You could always send an email, so that she can process the information in her own way if necessary. That way she doesn't have to feel awkward if the news is hard on her. Short and sweet email - no apologies or anything on your end. |
Anonymous
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Was your pregnancy a surprise? And are you married or single? Are you two around the same age? Not judging, but it kind of determines my answer. At over 40, your friend probably knows the likelihood of getting pregnant. So, if you are married, this pregnancy was kind of planned, and you are younger, I think a phone call or something more personal is in order.
If your pregnancy was an "oops", you are the same age, and either married or single, i would probably go the email route. I had a couple of miscarriages before my successful pregnancy and I had one friend get pregnant shortly after my second miscarriage. She emailed me. I would have much preferred she called me or told me to my face. I was sad and jealous, but also very happy for her and the email made me feel like she was going to spend the rest of her pregnancy walking on egg shells around me. |
Dogmama
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My pregnancy was very much a surprise. I am married. I am 35, she is in her early 40s.
What would you have preferred your friend say to you in person that would also create a space for you to be able feel sad and jealous. |
Anonymous
pp here. I had another friend who handled it perfectly (in between my first and second miscarriages). We met for coffee (to keep it short vs ordering food) and we sat at a back table where it was pretty private. I can't remember exactly what she said, but it was along the lines of "before people start finding it out and you hear through the grape vine, I just wanted to let you know that I found out I was pregnant a few weeks ago (I think it was 6). " I think i said something along the lines of congrats, didn't know you were trying, etc. Her response was about how pregnancy wasn't totally planned but they are rolling with it. She said she understood if I wanted her to leave or if I wanted to leave, but she felt like she should tell me in person and that she's sorry etc. We sat there for about 5-10 minutes not really talking while I processed it, and then we moved on to another topic of conversation. Later i went home and cried to DH and vented about how unfair it was and how jealous I was, etc. Out of all my friends, she was the most supportive person during my struggles. Sorry, it was awhile ago and I don't really remember exactly how it went down. |
Anonymous
| Ask the TTC forum.... Usually when this cones up the answer is email. Gives her time to process and then actually be happy when she tell you in person. |
Anonymous
| I have gone through this several times, and have consulted with friends who had losses or who had trouble getting pregnant, to ask them how they would have liked to be approached in this situation. Most of the advice I've gotten has been that email is a good way to go. Even if normally you wouldn't email news like this, email can be thoughtful because it allows your friend to process your information without having to come up with an immediate reaction. Your friend may need to cry, be sad, not feel happy for you, feel guilty about not feeling happy for you, etc. Not telling her in person or by phone gives her the chance to react however works best for her, alone, and then she can contact you when she is ready to discuss. This has worked well for me and friends have appreciated it. I have made it clear with friends who were struggling to have children that I would take their lead on whether to discuss my pregnancy and that I understood entirely if they preferred not to, and that I accepted any and all feelings they had about my pregnancy and that I did not expect them to be happy for me. I think this was appreciated. It's a tough situation but i think if you make it clear to your friend that you're really sad for her continued challenges and that you want to be thoughtful of her feelings in whatever way possible, it will be appreciated. |
Anonymous
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Give her a phone call or email. That way she can process the news in private, if she needs it. Don't assume she won't be happy for you, but don't count on it either.
I wish my friend would have told me like this instead of right before Christmas and trapping me at a social event for 3+ hours. |
Anonymous
The fact that you are considering your friend's feelings about this makes me think you'll do it "right." Whatever that means of course. 
I was having trouble a few years back and my officemate/friend announced at work that she was expecting and I was pissed/jealous/angry with her about it and the fact that I was trapped at work, it was the beginning of the day and there was nothing I could do about it. I would have preferred if she said something at the end of the day, then I could have faked a quick "so happy for you" and gotten the hell out of there. |
Anonymous
| Wow, when you're having trouble getting pregnant, the worst thing is to hear about an oops pregnancy. That is really really rough (if you were both trying, that would be a little easier to digest). Which obviously you realize. Send an email. |
Anonymous
| Email is the kindest way so she can react in private first. |
Anonymous
This. Having been in your friend's shoes, face to face or over the phone made the news more devastating. I didn't have time to be genuinely happy for my friends, because I was too sad about my own situation. Email will give her time to process and be genuine. |
Anonymous
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As a good friend of yours, she will be happy for you in spite of possibly envying you as well. It's only natural.
I would just tell her I have some exciting news and then tell her I was expecting. Keep it short and sweet and do not gloat or dwell on any details. If she asks any questions, of course answer them, but keep it light. Watch her reaction carefully. Who knows? You may just THINK she will not take it well. She may in fact be thrilled for you!! |
Anonymous
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I would not assume the friend will be jealous. I pretty much never was through 2 miscarriages, 5 rounds of IVF, and surgery to remove scar tissue. But you also can't assume she won't be.
I'm with PP's on the email route. It basically removes the pressure to say something appropriate in the moment...and gives some time to process. Though I'll be honest, I would've hated if it was done in a way that singled me out as being unable to process the information. I prefer a quick announcement rather than something prefaced with how hard everything has been for me, and I don't know if you can hear this etc. I was generally always happy for my friends, I just simultaneously felt sad for myself...so it wasn't always easy to react appropriately or with enough enthusiasm. But I already felt isolated enough going through IF to not also have people assume I couldn't function at all around normal life events....like people get pregnant sometimes. |
Anonymous
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I was in a similar situation when I got pregnant with our first several years ago. I told her over email, and said that I wanted her to know from me first before the news became widely known. I didn't get into a long, drawn-out email or presume to know how she'd feel, because who knows, really.
She was very appreciative and said she was happy for us while still feeling sad, and then we went from there. Just as being sensitive in the telling is important, so too is how you discuss the pregnancy. I'd let her take the lead on it, i.e., if she asked how it was going I'd tell her, but I wouldn't complain directly to her or go into a ton of detail. It just didn't feel right. You're a good friend to be thinking of how to handle this situation. Hope this helps! |