Breaking the news to a friend who is experiencing fertility issues

[Anonymous]

Ivf vet here - I never understood being upset when others get pregnant. Pregnant women are everywhere.
Just tell her you weren't trying not to get pregnant (or lie, say you had been discussing it for a while). If she is mature, she knows her fertility has nothing to do with yours. If she is your friend, she'll be happy for you. She might distance herself but she'll still be happy for you.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Just tell her you weren't trying not to get pregnant (or lie, say you had been discussing it for a while).

Unlike the previous poster who has been through this, I haven't however I can not imagine lying being the best approach. Especially since I think you said that she has asked if you are trying in the past. Its a really hard position, and I can see the benefits to a lot of these approaches. Privately telling her somewhere that is easy for her to leave, or telling her over the phone, or in an email. The problem is choosing the right approach depends a lot on your friend and how she will react to each of these. You know her better than the people on DCUM. I cant imagine sharing/hearing news like this with someone I am really close to over email - its something I would want to tell them in person or hear from them if they live far away. Best of luck. I would probably acknowledge that it might be hard to hear and you completely understand that she might want some time/space to process but that you are still there for her when she wants/needs.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Ivf vet here - I never understood being upset when others get pregnant. Pregnant women are everywhere.
Just tell her you weren't trying not to get pregnant (or lie, say you had been discussing it for a while). If she is mature, she knows her fertility has nothing to do with yours. If she is your friend, she'll be happy for you. She might distance herself but she'll still be happy for you.

+1. Took me over 2 years to get pregnant during which maybe 25 couples we're close to (friends, cousins, SIL) have had babies, including some oops ones. I think I would have been a complete wreck if I felt sad/ needed to cry each time I heard of a pregnancy or baby. Just let her know you understand that the news may be hard for her initially, and if she doesn't really want to be a part of your pregnancy.

[Anonymous]

I was very worried about this same issue. Two of my friends are going through IVF and have had miscarriages. I was very scared, but they are good friends and were really happy for me. I told them in person. I think it is more personal than email.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Ivf vet here - I never understood being upset when others get pregnant. Pregnant women are everywhere.

This. I don't expect the world stop reproducing just b/c my husband and I are dealing with infertility/IVF. I actually got tired of being handled with kid gloves during the process. I had a coworker who handled it well -- came into my office, said she wanted to let me know privately, then left.

[Anonymous]

I am an IVF vet as well. I really appreciated when close friends let us know in a sensitive way they were pregnant. I did the same with my infertile BFF when I got pregnant both times. Felt a little hurt when my sisters waited months to tell us...we were the last to know. I think they were trying to spare our feeling though since we were fresh from another IVF round failure.