Grief
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Anonymous
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It has been twenty-seven days since I miscarried at fifteen weeks. I am trudging through the days, going to work, keeping home life going, returning to "normal," whatever that is.
I've been through miscarriages before (two others this year, in fact), and I've been through grief before, and i know i will get through this in time, too. But oh, God, right now I am just so angry, and so sad. I want my baby, and my baby is irretrievably gone. When will it get better? When will I stop crying? For those who have been through this...what helped you? |
Anonymous
| OMG virtual hug coming your way, it's so hard bc your hormones and your emotional disappointment are so raw. I have been there and it will get better but it really sucks. |
jindc
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I have nothing to add other than a hug, and my hopes for you that with each day, things get easier.
Sending love |
Anonymous
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I am so terribly sorry for your loss. I have been through two miscarriages over the past year and had a difficult time with the grief afterwards, compounded by the fact that we have been TTC for almost two years. What helped me is realizing that I have suffered a real loss, though people who have not been through it may not see it as such. I have tried to give myself the time and space to grieve, and been frank with my family and close friends that I am in pain from this process, rather than pretending that everything is fine. They may not know what to say and they don't always say the right thing, but it was somehow helpful to openly acknowledge that this is hard and I need support from the people who love me. I also began keeping a journal, which is a helpful way of venting my anger and working through my feelings. Ultimately, I realized that I needed additional support and also began seeing a therapist. She has been very kind and helpful.
I don't which, if any, of these strategies may be right for you, but I have walked a path similar to yours and have some idea of your hurt. I can tell you that I have begun to feel better, although I have my setbacks and bad days. It will get easier, even if it is hard to see how or when. I let go of the idea that there is a specific timeline for feeling "normal" again, and am allowing myself go through this process, while trying different strategies for coping and healing. I hope my input helps, if only to let you know that you are not alone in this crummy experience. |
Anonymous
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I am so very sorry for your loss and will keep you in my prayers. I, too, miscarried but not far along. I felt tremendous grief for the first few weeks, then it slowly goes away. I do however remember that day every year because it falls on Palm Sunday. It's been 16 years.
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Anonymous
| Therapy. |
Anonymous
| So very sorry for your loss. It takes a long time to get over a miscarriage and it's even harder if you're simultaneously TTC. Writing about my feelings really helped me, as did taking periodic breaks. We're at four years and eight losses and the only way we've been able to keep going is because we periodically stop for a few months to give us time to catch our breath. Take a vacation if you can, not just from TTC, but from everything. We went to Jamaica and just floated in the ocean for a week. Therapy also helps. {{{hugs}}} |
Anonymous
| I lost my first pregnancy at 17 weeks and it took months to recover. I've lost two pregnancies since then, at 5 and 10 weeks. I think you just get to a new normal. The grief slowly gets more manageable, but it doesn't go away. it's been 15 months since my 17 week loss and i still think about him every day. Therapy helps. Talking to others that have been there is good. Not judging yourself is huge. Let yourself have bad days and sad moments and just let yourself feel what you feel without telling yourself how you "should" feel. You'll be ok and you're not alone. Hugs to you. |
Anonymous
| I just wanted to tell OP that I'm really sorry about this. |
Anonymous
| I'm so sorry OP. I find Glow in the Woods to be a comforting place where I can be with others who have lost their babies and want to talk about it and support each other. Sending you my best. |
Anonymous
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OP, I'm sorry. I had a miscarriage from my ectopic in May. For weeks I just did not feel better, then the grief lifted a bit. With an ectopic, it takes weeks for the pregnancy hormone to leave your body. I can honestly say that I felt a mood boost when I finally got to zero.
Even my best friend did not understand my continued grief, even though she's been with me through my entire ttc process, at 3 weeks or so after I told her I was sad and she said "still"? She's even had a miscarriage--but when she was young and was able to get pregnant on the next try. Who forgets a lost child in 3 weeks? People may not understand but on ttc forums, you will find a lot of validation for your feelings. I haven't forgotten, and Christmas is going to be REALLY rough, because that is when my baby would have been born. And there isn't another one in me to replace him/her. I think about that baby every day, but it's a lot less painful than those first few weeks, when I cried every day. I highly recommend finding a therapist. The ttc process does not get easier, and while she couldn't reduce the grief--you just have to feel that--working with my therapist has helped me to rein in my emotions in other areas of my life, which helps tremendously. Now, when I get anxious about work, or relationships, the CBT techniques we've used in sessions kick in and keep me from succumbing to irrational emotions, even while under the influence of fertility drugs. I am so sorry. Lost Pregnancies is a horrible club of which to be a member. |
Anonymous
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Thanks, everyone -- this is the OP.
Thank you for sharing your experiences. It's comforting to hear from others who've been through this. And it confirms for me that I'm doing all the things I should be, and that (ugh) I just have to ride this damn grief out. I am seeing a therapist (someone I used to see years ago) and it's been very helpful to re-connect with her, especially since she already knows me well. I'm trying to just roll with the punches, to accept that some days will be okay and some will be crappy. And I'm trying as best I can to remember that it will get better with time. (It doesn't help that as we're going through all this, my own chronically ill mother is slipping rapidly into dementia, which has been incredibly painful to witness on so many levels. It breaks my heart that even if I do ever have a baby, at this point my mom will never really know that child and the child will certainly never know his/her grandmother.) On Friday evening when I posted, I was having one of those despairing moments that you all are probably very familiar with. Thanks for letting me express that anguish on these pages. It helps to have this supportive and understanding outlet. I've observed that DCUM is not always the kindest place, but I have to say that it has been a huge source of generosity and comfort for me these past months. |
Anonymous
| Lots of love and support coming your way. i lost a baby at 20 weeks last November and it has taken almost this whole year to not cry everytime when i think about her. time and therapy helped me. and just knowing that it is ok to feel sad about it. what bothered me a lot was how little understanding there was from friends and family. that was your baby, that baby was real and this is a real loss. be patient and kind to yourself. anyone who has been in your shoes, really feels for you. best wishes. |
Anonymous
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I will second that friends and family don't get it. Seek support on forums where others share your experience.
I will never forget my m/c, and it was early. When you struggle for over a year, and with tens of thousands of dollars, that BFP is a BABY, it's all your hopes and dreams come true. It is the one biological child I've had. Honor your feelings. The pain lessens (though it creeps up in odd moments, but passes faster than it did in the beginning), but I know I'm not going to forget. Friends who had m/cs younger do seem to forget, but for me, knowing that may have been the only chance I had at a bio child, it's all the more painful. |
Anonymous
| I'm so sorry for your losses. I had 2 losses and found counseling with a therapist who specializes in fertility helpful. You can find them through Shady Grove. I saw Erica Hanson. I also joined a RESOLVE infertility support group with my husband and that helped tremendously to feel less alone on this difficult journey. |