What's up with men and their video games?
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Anonymous
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My DH is addicted to video games. After work, he doesn't interact with me or the kids but goes downstairs and play his games. It is to the point it is affecting our relationship and his relationship with the kids.
We both work out side the home so I understand stress and the need to release some. I have stress too but I suck it up at least long enough to spend what little time I have in the evenings and weekends with my kids. I don't understand why he doesn't want to interact with them or me or see the need to help out around the house. Does anyone else have experience with this kind of problem and what did you do about it? |
Anonymous
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My DH isn't into video games, but my teenage sons are. Here's what I do for them and maybe you can see if your DH would go for the plan:
I limit them to 1 hour per day. I have a timer I set when they begin and when it goes off, that's it no games. Before they can play, however, they must have all their homework and chores done. For DH, I would compromise on the work angle before playing video games. He may need to relieve work stress as soon as he gets home. As long as he is willing to limit the time to a reasonable amount that he has time to spend each day with you and the kids, I think both of you would be happy. Seems like from your post that there is also an issue about house work responsibilities distribution. My husband and I came up with a chart system for us and the children so we all know what we are responsible for and work is shared among all members of the family. Even toddlers should have chores (ie. helping clear the dishes from the table, picking up their toys, sorting laundry into color piles, etc.). The goal for children is not perfection, but to let them learn that they have a responsibility to the family to contribute and so they can have pride in what they are contributing. Positive reinforcement (a rewards system) is the best way to keep all members on track vs. harping on when things gets screwed up. Hope this helps. |
Freeman
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| Video games aren't the problem. The problem is that your husband is ignoring you and the rest of the family, as well as his responsibilities around the house. It wouldn't be any different if he went downstairs and watched TV or read books. If you focus too much on the symptom of playing video games, you'll lose sight of the actual problem. Talk to him and find out why he's doing what he's doing, while also explaining how it is affecting the rest of the family. You need to make sure he understands how you feel about his actions, and then the two of you can try to work out the issues together. I don't think the PP's idea would work well, since treating your DH like a child will not likely help the situation. The equitable sharing of chores is good, but not when put in "No video games until you do your chores" context. Even if it worked, do you really want another child instead of a DH? |
Anonymous
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Dh here. I have a Wii, but frankly, I don't have the attention span for it. I agree with Freeman -- it's not the video game itself. If it weren't video games, it would be something else.
Funny story: The Wii was a Father's Day gift. And I've got a few games for it, but mostly it's the kids who use it. They discover it on and off and might play endlessly for a weekend but then don't pick it up again for three months. |
Anonymous
| Is he playing an MMO, like World of Warcraft or Second Life? Maybe he has a girlfriend online... |
Anonymous
| It must be Diablo 3. Since its release, I've had a tendency to not spend as much time with wife or kid. |
Anonymous
WTF!!! DH will have some explaining to do tonight! |
Anonymous
People addicted to MMO's are getting a big rush of dopamine. Does your husband have a history of drug dependency or depression? If he's blowing you off and emotionally detached; be concerned. It's very common to develop deep emotional attachments in their guild- these are people they are spending 3+ hours a night with. Contrary to popular belief, attractive, educated adults (probably not unlike your husband) are there: women too. There were numerous emotional affairs happening in my guild and caused a lot of turmoil. Maybe he is just playing a game- but that level of detachment is a warning sign. -ex gamer http://www.olganon.org/?q=forum/17 |
Anonymous
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Agree with PP. DH was depressed and addicted to gaming about 10 years ago following his father's death and it wasn't pretty. People in his guild did have affairs with each other and the woman involved was what we'd think of as normal, home on maternity leave and addicted to gaming, too (in retrospect, possibly dealing with PPD).
Playing that much every day to the neglect of his primary relationships is prima facie evidence of an addiction (not to sound like a lawyer, but it is). Just like drinking or smoking up every evening to the point of neglecting his primary relationships would be. Yes, it might be just misuse, abuse, or dependence, but only the difficulty of breaking the habit will tell. You need to approach this like a substance abuse problem, get advice, and take action in that framework. |
Anonymous
So is there an AA type group for gaming addicts? How does one get their spouse help for the problem? |
Anonymous
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www.olganon.org. They have a weekly meeting in Bethesda. It's standard 12 step stuff. A heavily addicted gaming spouse probably will just scoff when confronted....they are just playing a "game". This is what can make it particularly self destructive. People spend money they don't have, get involved with their gaming friends and ignore their real lives....The dopamine high from gaming is hard to break from, as is having a secret social life that doesn't involve paying a sitter, making plans, driving, any real demands....
If the gamer wont get help, consult OLGA as well for online support. Consider seeing a therapist that specializes in addiction as well, (gaming specific specialists are uncommon) |