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Is this a little weird?
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Anonymous
| Not weird or inappropriate. However, allowing a woman who only "recently" started dating the dad to decide appropriate contact with the daughter would be weird and inappropriate. |
Anonymous
| All that said OP, it could still be a problem. There could be something inapprpriate going on. |
Anonymous
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Snuggling up to dad may be the only "constant" in the daughter's life given the traumatic childhood (mom going crazy, divorce, and then death by car accident (no time to say goodbye) ).
The physical closeness may be very comforting and now it is sorta a "fall back"...almost like a newborn sucking just to be comforted, not necessarily in need of nourishment. What about the older brother - anything "unusual" with his behavior or talk? This clingy/affection bond will eventually end - I can't imagine 5 years down the road an 18 year old still snuggling up to daddy. However, the bonding/comforting may take on a new look - maybe frequent phone calls, constantly looking for reassurance, etc. |
Anonymous
OP here. "Recently" was a year ago and they are talking about marriage.... |
Anonymous
| My first instinct is that it's weird. But my instinct would be the same whether a 13 year old was crawling into bed with mom or dad...it's not just that it's dad. I think OP said it's been several years since the mom died; if it had just happened, I wouldn't think twice about it. In any case, I'm sure she'll grow out of it soon. I don't think the friend is in a position to say anything negative about it--even if they have been together for a year. |
Anonymous
| Not weird at all - definitely not weird. This is her only parent. She's had a rough time. Closeness is natural in any case and esp in this one. I'm sorry to say but it sounds like jealousy to me, and that doesn't sound peachy. |
Anonymous
| I have a 15 year old niece who does this with her dad - and she's had no trauma to her life. Just a very close relationship with her daddy? I don't know but it makes ME uncomfortable to see the two entertwined on the chair in a room of people. So, OP, I can see why it seems weird to you and your friend. |
Anonymous
| I don't think it's weird. Just sad - I think that dad's right that the problem here is that the daughter is having nightmares and not able to sleep on her own. She might benefit from someone to talk to - counselors are often good for grief - that might be something your friend could suggest to help with the real, underlying problem. As for the symptom, I don't think there's a problem with a kid seeking comfort from her surviving parent this way. (Don't think the reaction is "prudish" - think that folks just have different comfort levels with physical closeness - you'd mentioned that you and your friend fall on the non-co-sleeping line, so perhaps not surprising that she has some level of discomfort, but really don't think it's a good idea for her to voice it. That just suggests something ugly about something that isn't.) |
Anonymous
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If the genders were switched, I don't think this thread would even exist. That family is doing the best they can now that Mom is gone.
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Anonymous
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You wouldn't think it was weird if a 13-yr-old boy was sitting on Mom's lap or sleeping in bed with her? (Serious question, not being sarcastic).
I guess in a way all this relates to an even deeper and more complicated question relating to blending families. So, she is serious about this man, it's been a year, they're talking about marriage... but the deeper issue is that there will be a whole lot of tough issues to face. No, it's not the role of a girlfriend of a couple of months to start meddling, with whatever good intentions, in a complicated family situation like this. But if he wants her to marry him and be his children's step-mother... if she is going to have him be step-father to her son... then somehow or other, sooner or later, just like any other married couple, just like any other people who share a household and a family, they will need to find a way to talk about ANY issues that make one or the other really uncomfortable, be they parenting issues or housework issues or whatever. |
Anonymous
If they are talking marriage and she is concerned about the behavior, then I think she should mention her discomfort before she walks down the aisle. Not a good idea to go into a marriage with outstanding/unraised "issues". |
Anonymous
People - ESPECIALLY adolescents with surging hormones - have sexual responses in large part to the secondary sexual characteristics of the gender to which they are attracted. I am in no way saying this daughter will want to be attracted to her father - or even allow herself to experience this consciously. But it happens with adolescent children (ever hear of "MILF"? that's a term that was invented by teens about adult parental figures in their lives, although not necessarily their own parents). And it happens in the reverse from parents to children (and here I am talking about totally normal parents with no abusive tendencies whatsoever). That's why cultural incest taboos exist - to keep both children and parents from acting on these simply physiological realities. |
Anonymous
| I remember crawling into bed with my dad when I was 13, if I had a nightmare and couldn't go back to sleep. There was nothing sexual about it, I just didn't want to be alone in my room thinking of scary things. |
cmkeough
Member Location: Arlington, VA
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Member Location: Arlington, VA
Offline
|
HI there. I don't know that I would call it prudish as a few years ago I was dating a guy who had a teenage daughter (about 13 when we first started to date). Her mother was still part of her life as the parents had joint custody (literally 50/50). When I first began dating him his daughter would do the same exact thing, and yes...it was very weird for me to witness. She also did it when she first met my parents - sitting on his lap, asking him to cut her meat, etc... My mother even commented saying that it was odd.
After the daughter and I became closer to one another and it wasn't a "competition" in her mind things were fine. She would occasionally go and sit on his lap but it wasn't a type of babyish behavior or one that seemed weird. I think in my situation and possibly in your friends situation it was one where the teenage daughter had the affection of her father, great, perfect. Then along came another woman that she had to share with her father...who's supposed to be "Daddy's little girl". Reverting back to a behavior to gain her father's attention and affection without even necessarily realizing it either, a subconcious act (at least that's what I told myself). I would tell your friend to spend some quality time with the teenage daughter alone. Doing girly type things, this worked like wonders for me. I also didn't "compete" either, as I felt that we each had two different types of relationships with "Sam". I would also suggest that your friend and his daughter still spend some quality time together too, without your friend. Whether it's dinner, game night, movie, watching TV (without the GF there). A good way so that the daughter may not see her as such a threat too would be if the boyfriend asks in front of the daughter, "Do you want to come to dinner/movies/or whatever" that the friend reply (in front of the daughter) No, why don't you two spend some quality time together and we can do "X" on Friday." Hope that helps. BTW, the guy and I eventually broke up but for reasons totally unrelated to the daughter. As I said, the daughter and I ended up having a fantastic relationship after some time and it was harder breaking up with her than it was with him. Best of luck to your friend. |