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Relationship Discussion (non-explicit)
Controlling, Jackass or What??
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Anonymous
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Hi , I am trying to figure something out...Maybe you guys can help! I will try to make this as short as possible.
First we live in Loudon Co. DH works from home. I work full time in Arlington plus I am in school full time. We have one vehicle. So, I am pretty much gone five days/evenings a week. I get home about 11. Dh is constantly making insulting comments regarding the vehicle. He "wishes" he could go to school, etc. FYI, the man has degrees-numerous degrees. So, I am thinking he is trying to make me feel guilty for being gone. I also feel it IS a control issue. THere are other issues which I am positive he tries to control. I am working really hard in school-made Dean's list for the Summer semester so I don't feel I warrant this extra stress. I am lost as to what to do. I have told him several times I find the comments unnecessary but to no avail they are continuing. Help!!! Thank you! |
Anonymous
| Definite jackass! My DH worked from home when I was in grad school full time and never once made me feel guilty about taking the car all the time or not being home much. We also had a toddler who he stayed home with on the weekends-often times all day-while I was at school working. He should be more supportive of your going to school AND working!!! |
Anonymous
| Tell him to cut out the BS and tell you what is really bothering him. Ask him why he wants to go to school if he already has numerous degrees. Point out that you are in school, and doing very well btw (congrats on that), so that when you graduate, you will get a good paying job that will help your family achieve its financial goals, not to mention to accomplish your personal goals, which I would think is important to him (happy DW). If that fails, perhaps some counseling? |
Anonymous
| I think it's natural for him to feel a bit "trapped" at home--even if what you're doing is hard work. He probably also feels lonely, working from home and then having you gone so many hours. |
Anonymous
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Is there any way for him to be able to get out and about or is he housebound? One car in DC or Arlington is different than Loudon I'm guessing. Any money for a used clunker?
People with multiple degrees tend to be restless and happiest in school. Being somewhat under house arrest and jealous of you being in school when it's his "thing" are probably making him irritable. How long have you been together? The 2 of you really need to talk. |
Anonymous
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Thanks for the advice.
We have been together for six years but married only 18 months. We have been to counseling in the past. So there have been other issues as well. I am just thinking this may be the one which pushes me over the edge. I have suggested moving closer in or buying another vehicle. But those suggestions do not fly because he doesn't want to move in closer. Or I get told we don't need another car! So this is the confusing part of it all! Ugh.... |
aprilmayjune
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| I am a housewife, and we also live in Loudoun County. For quite a while we only had one car, and my husband has a crazy schedule, so I am able to relate to your husband. It's hard to be housebound for long periods of time. Unless you live within walking distance to a park or anywhere he might want to go, it can be very isolating. Do you guys have any kids? That could add to his stresses also.. |
Anonymous
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No kids! We have two dogs.
I will add he is older than I am. So, I believe he used to be able to do whatever , whenever the mood hit him. I try to encourage him to get out of the house when I am home as well as offered for him to take me to work on Fridays when I do not have class. But, that is just too much work for him... |
Anonymous
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It sounds like what he is saying is "I resent you being gone all the time," where "I wish *I* could be in school" means "I wish I had a reason and the ability to be away from the house in the evenings." Which is not inherently jackass-ish, but obviously he's expressing it in a passive-aggressive insulting way and that's being a shithead.
I would tell him that he agreed to this arrangement, you only have one car that you need for school, he's a grown man, and he can figure out how to get himself out of the house in the evenings. Surely there are buses, or he can walk or make friends with neighbors or have a friend come get him to go to the movies or whatever else. Trying to guilt you into stopping school is not okay, especially not if there's already a large disparity between his education (and presumably corresponding income) and yours. That's the flag that this is about control; things have maybe been uneven in the past in his favor, and he doesn't like the idea that they could balance out more. |
Anonymous
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It seems simple to me: you are gone long periods of time and he misses you. But he sure is expressing it inappropriately. He should join a club or activity so he has some things to do while you are out. PP has got it right.
The answer is to get another (used) car. And ask him to meet you at the job once a week for lunch. You really need to find more time to connect as a couple. When my friend did her PhD, her relationship to her husband suffered - they both knew it but hung on. |
Anonymous
i agree with this, the man (yes, he is being a jackass) is just craving a little extra attention. |
Anonymous
| You definitely need a second car. |
Anonymous
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One- If the car is in your name he an say nothing to you.
I personally would tell him to F-Off. He can do whatever he wants, just as you have the right to. Unless you have a reason to feel guilty you shouldn't. Also great job on making the Dean's list! |
Anonymous
| All the more reason to live somewhere Metro accessible, even if it is a smaller home. |
Anonymous
Maybe he's jealous of you being young and going to school and having a very active outside life. He sounds old and bitter and moving in closer or getting another car will not solve that.  He needs to realize that he needs to support you and if he doesn't, well, then you can kick his old, saggy ass to the curb!
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