Controlling, Jackass or What??

[Anonymous]

Thanks, PP you made me laugh!

I am currently trying to make the right decisions for myself.Since I work so far way and attend school, I have been urging him to move in closer. That discussion just leads to fight.

I am really becoming completely over it. I feel finishing school should be on the top of my list. I need him to be supportive but honestly if he can't be not sure if there really is a place for him in my life.

[Anonymous]

I'm assuming it is not a case of "you're living rent free at his place" (in which case his opinion does matter at least somewhat, like it or not.) But scratch that, that is more of an issue for unmarried couples. You're married.

I'm assuming you're not with him because you want someone to support you during your studies.

Then again, if you're married, then you're a team -- I'm assuming he was on-board with this going to school thing initially and that you'll be getting something other than a generic BA or MA and $50k debt. (Sorry, not a fan of the "must go to college for four years NO MATTER WHAT" ideology, or of "I don't know what else to do! I'll go to grad school!" thinking of 25-40 year olds.)

If he has actively resisted moving closer in or getting a second car, then it seems like it more about control than about loneliness.

If he is acting in good faith, then talk about things he can do on nights. Again, if he'd rather complain to you than get a second car or move closer in, then he sounds like he is just going to be unhappy.

If you've been having problems on and off for the duration of your relationship, it's not going to get better when (fill in the blank). My wife and I had issues when we first moved in together and again a few more after we had our kid. But we worked through them.

[Anonymous]

DON'T reproduce with this jackass. Please.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote: I feel finishing school should be on the top of my list. I need him to be supportive but honestly if he can't be not sure if there really is a place for him in my life.

OP, this comment of yours is spot on. If you have no kids, and he is not supportive of your education/life goals, then you should leave him, particularly if you've had other issues. I can tell you from experience, this kind of attitude doesn't get better. Just worse. When you finish school, he will complain about work. Kids only magnify the problem, and should you eventually separate you will still be tied to this behavior via the kids.

[Anonymous]

Agree with the other posters that there are a couple of problems. Personally, I think if you can find the money for a second used car, do it. Also, he's probably bored and lonely. He works from home and you're gone all the time? So he has no coworkers and an absentee spouse? He's probably embarrassed to admit that he misses having people to talk to most of the time. I'm not sure what the solution is for that, but maybe if he knows that your schedule won't be this way forever (it won't, right?) it might be helpful to point out the light at the end of the tunnel? Good luck.

[Anonymous]

Woa, I can't believe PPs are suggesting she leave him because he's complaining a little. I would feel incredibly trapped if I were stuck at home morning to night with no transportation. Even if he is supportive, he might feel bored/annoyed/claustrophobic sometimes. Sounds like you need more quality time together.

Marriage takes teamwork, and it's tough. OP seems ready to throw in the towel too. Why on earth have you been to couples therapy when you've only been married 18 months with no kids?

[Anonymous]

OP, why are you posting here if you have no kids?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:It sounds like what he is saying is "I resent you being gone all the time," where "I wish *I* could be in school" means "I wish I had a reason and the ability to be away from the house in the evenings."

I agree - I think he is trying to say that he wishes you had more time together and that he wishes he could go out and about (using the current vehicle you have without the expense of another). Likely he has tried to say this to you in many ways but has gotten shot down as right now what you want/need/have as a priority is more important than spending time with him or his ability to have some independence from the house. For some couples they agree to these trade-offs because of long term benefits but it has be work for both people for the relationship to survive. He may have thought it would work but now is becoming more and more resentful of being alone all day and all evening with little people contact - works alone from home, never sees his wife. You are *hearing* it now because the resentment is seeping through in his tone of voice and attitude.

I think you both need to sit down and hear each other out..or get counseling. The people who say you should be able to do whatever you want and he has no right to feel anything other than glee or contentedness are way off. That is not what a marriage is about. Two self centered people who care little about the others feelings or needs does not a happy marriage make.