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Having Trouble Adjusting to Life With Baby
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Anonymous
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I’m feeling very down today. DS is 3 months old and I’m having trouble adjusting to my new life. DH and I have always been very active people--we met playing sports and have played on various teams together for years. In the past, our entertainment consisted of hiking, canoeing, fishing, playing tennis, or going out to eat. Obviously, I knew our lives would change a ton with the new baby, but I apparently didn’t grasp just how much. For example, I thought I’d be able to bring DS along to softball games to watch DH play (and get some adult socialization), but DS has to be in bed by about 7:30 or he has a meltdown--so I just stay home. (Last night, we kept him up a half hour later, and it took me an hour to get him to sleep because he was so fussy and overtired.) Up to this point, we’ve had good luck going out to eat, but that’s starting to change too because DS is starting to freak out whenever he’s in his car seat; it’s just not worth it to me to spend money to shove food down my face in 5 minutes because the baby’s upset. Plus, if DS doesn’t nap on a pretty regular schedule, he’s really difficult to deal with. Of course, he’s cute and smiley when he’s well-rested, but those cute moments are such small part of the day.
So, I’m just feeling really housebound. I’m also feeling isolated because when I talk (ok, complain) to DH about these feelings, he gets frustrated with me. He says I should just suck it up and come to softball games, take DS out to eat even if he cries the whole way there and the whole way back, and go on long walks with him even if it’s 95 degrees. He thinks we just need to make him a part of our lives and not worry so much about potential meltdowns. That would be great (and it’s how I hoped it would be), but it seems like DS does a lot better with early bedtimes and regimented naps. So now I’m spending my Saturday holed up here writing this while DH watches golf. Ugh. I feel like the anal retentive wife/mom I never wanted to be. Are we doomed to slowly drift apart because we’re not seeing things from the same perspective? How do I get understanding from and feel connected to DH when he just doesn’t seem to feel the way I do? |
Anonymous
| My DS is 8 wks and I can feel the same way. All my friends are either childless, pregnant or have older kids and no one really lives close or has the same schedule. I am home alone a lot, like 95% of the time. Sometimes I don't even feel like going to Starbucks even though it is a brief excursion because it's just too much. I don't think anyone realizes that I am lonely, either. |
Anonymous
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OP, your concerns and difficulties are understandable. DH and I weren't as outdoorsy or athletic as you and your husband, but we took nice trips frequently, dined out a lot, etc. It seemed we were rarely home. But, the simple fact is that having a baby changes that, and you sort of just have to accept that. It seems like part of the problem is that you have accepted it, but your DH has not. For instance, he still gets to go to softball games, etc., while you're stuck home alone. Maybe you could trade off and each take one night a week to go out with your friends? Or get a babysitter so you can both go (which might alleviate the concern that you're growing apart). Also, does he not understand why you're so reluctant to throw DS off his schedule because you're the one stuck putting him to bed when he's super fussy, or the one dealing with a fussy baby at the restaurant? If so, make him deal with it some of the time.
Lastly, I know it's hard and isolating, but the idea that you should just take the baby along and let him get upset or fussy isn't really fair to the baby. Getting upset and crying is his way of saying he's not happy. As a member of your family, it seems like his comfort and preferences should be considered as well. The reason not to take him out isn't just because it's hard for you to deal with him in such situations; it's because if he could voice his own opinion, he'd tell you he'd prefer to stay home. |
Anonymous
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Surprised I'm not alone in this sense. My DS is 8 weeks as well. We are beginning to settle into a routine, but sometimes feel so confined to the apartment.
What has helped me is taking a walk around our block, showing him the sights. Neighbors stop us to say 'hello', admire him. Sometimes I just go walk the local coffee shop around his feeding time. (It initially felt like too much, but one day I just NEEDED to leave the house.) A change of scenery did wonders, and it wasn't as difficult as I thought. Still miss tons of things I used to do, but new excursions have helped me enjoy him, not feel so confined. I'm also returning to work. For the next month, I've hired a lady to care for him. I took the opportunity to sit and have a meal. Finding some part-time help, just for an evening here or there, could do wonders as well. (Of course, I missed my DS the entire time I was away from him.) |
Anonymous
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Its not all or nothing. Yes you really need to stick to the bedtimes or else you will have a melty baby. So don't go out after 7:30 on a regular basis unless you have a sitter -- sorry, thats the first major thing you have to adjust to. But DO go on walks, hikes, and go to restaurants with baby, even if he is fussy or noisy. Don't worry, the only other people eating at 5pm have small children too. Dont' worry too much if baby doesn't nap at the stroke of 9am and 2pm -- but do realize you can't plan a full day of activities without factoring in naps at all. You can do both -- continue to live life -- but also make the big adjustments that you just have to suck up when you have small children.
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Anonymous
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It gets much better. Hang in there. I was the same way with my firstborn early on...
but by the time he was 6months old..we were traveling and so outdoorsy again. We hiked with him in a backpack carrier up mountains in BigSky Mtn...in the snow...DH (expert X-country skier) even had him on his back for long X-country runs. I am a fairly serious runner and had him out in the jogging stroller all of the time. You will get the hang of it. The first one is such a life-changing experience that it takes a while..and 3 months is still so early. I was still so seriously sleep-deprived at 3 months I def. didn't have my act together. You will be amazed at how much you can still do with 1 baby....but cut yourself some serious slack. It is hard for many...I had a pretty hard adjustment the first 3-4 months after my first. Lifestyle took a serious hit for awhile but it does come back--sometimes a little different. I joined a mom and me pilates class (which is totally not my thing usu) and through it I met my best mommy friend ever. Our kids (boys) were only 3 weeks apart and it helped so much to have somebody going through the exact same thing at exactly the same time. Sometimes no words were needed  . It's like boot camp early on. i found the more I forced myself to get out of the house---the better i felt. i lived in the city and would strap him into the baby bjorn and just walk...for long periods of time..window shop, through the parks etc. my mood was always better (granted it was the Fall not 100 degrees outside!)
good luck! |
Anonymous
| For car seat, u might not know that u can adjust the seat belts' height. My dd was like that till one of my friends told me about it. And my dd is a happy car rider since then. |
michellelsauve
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| The first few months really are tough. Even though you love your baby, you want your old life back. I was so there at first. I think the first thing I did everyday when my husband came home (while on Maternity leave) was hand him the baby and go out for a walk. It's not crazy to mourn your old life, but this too shall pass. Right now find another Mom who is around and is as bored silly as you. It's what kept me sane those first few month. As the baby get's older you will be able to get out more.. |
Anonymous
| I have a 3 month old also and a 26 month old, and I keep telling myself that this too shall pass. This is just one phase in your life where the world does kind of center around baby, but as PP have said, it gets better. I think this is sort of the sacrifice people have to make if their kids require it, for the time being. It gets better, I promise! |
Anonymous
| Based on my experience, one thing that might help a lot is babywearing. Get a comfy sling, or Ergo, or other carrier, and let him fall asleep in that at evening ball games (you may have to walk around until he goes to sleep). Wear him when you eat out if he is happier that way than in the carseat/stroller (my son always was). Strap him on, and go for a hike, etc. Of course it's not the magic do it all answer, but it may help a lot. Good luck! |
Anonymous
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Things change so quickly in the beginning. I know its frustrating but seriously, things will get better. My daughter is 2.5 and I go to softball every week. We go out to eat all the time. We go on hikes often. Different hikes than we used to, but again, as time goes by we get to do more challenging things. We've taken our daughter to New Mexico, Ireland, Chicago, North Carolina, Florida-- in fact, we are on a long weekend right now and she is outside playing with ducks.
Unfortunately I don't have advice on how to make your husband understand. Can you just leave the baby with him for one full day while you go visit a spa or something? Not sure if that is possible, but it sounds like he needs to get a feel for how it is to be the primary caregiver for a few hours at least. |
Anonymous
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I don't have much to add - there is a lot of wisdom in these posts! But, I did just want to tell you to hang in there - I remember that right around 3 months I felt like DS was so old and that I _should_ be doing more. But, cut yourself some slack - 3 months is still very young, and it really will get easier.
Also, I'll second the PPs advice to take a Pilates (or Yoga, or whatever) class - it's so great to see and chat with other moms. Hang in there. It sounds like you are a great mother, and things will get easier. <Hugs> |
Anonymous
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I agree with the suggestion about baby wearing. Once I figured out my moby (there are YouTube videos), I found it a great way to get out of the house. DH and I could take walks together. Not the same as tennis or jogging, the things we used to do together, but way better than being confined to the house all day. Said differently, you may need to make some modifications, but the modification doesn't have to be all or nothing; maybe softball right now isn't going to work for you because your baby can't sit there for so long until older, but maybe more hiking will work? Maybe jogging as a family, or bike riding as a family, are going to work better now? Maybe some things will make good date nights--like tennis.
Maybe you can eat out at 5:00 pm and not at the time your baby wants to go to sleep? Or maybe you're meeting for lunch more often and eating dinner in more often. Also, our baby is now 9 mo and much easier to take to restaurants. Also if you can find a restaurant with a ceiling fan--it's going to be your favorite place ever. Our son likes looking at people, so we go to sidwalk cafes a lot and turn him so he can see the people coming by. So you can also keep experimenting, because he'll change and you may find some things that work well for your child. |
Anonymous
| As many others have said, it will get better. And it will get soooo much better once your baby is past one. They start eating more of the foods you eat, their nap needs change (drop the morning nap), and they are ust so much easier to get out and about with. I have a 2.5 yr old and a 6 mo old, so I am dealing with the loss of freedom we had in having an older child, and while it's not as bad as the initial adjustment to life with a child, it's still taking me back to how trapped I felt when my first was little. It passes. You get back to your life - it's different, sure, but it's nothing like dealing with the demands of an infant. |
Anonymous
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It does get better - but so far, it hasn't gotten easy. DS is 11 months now, and we can take him to restaurants without him losing it most of the time, but he still hates the car.
I don't really agree with your husband's take on things - to me, it seems mean to drag a baby to a softball game past his bedtime. It also doesn't seem like he is giving you the help and support that you need. It may be that you are mourning the loss of your former life, or you may be like me - not an infant person. As your child gets older, there will be more things that he enjoys doing. For example, I took my son to baby swim classes, and he loved it - it was great to see him having such a good time. But I didn't really have any nice experiences with him like that until he was 6 months. To be honest, for me, there was nothing good about the first 4 months - DS screamed all the time, was no fun, and couldn't really enjoy doing anything. But now that he's a little older, we have a lot of fun doing things together - we go to the park, for walks (in the morning, so it isn't too hot). Even going to the grocery is fun, because all of it is new to him and interesting. Better times are ahead, I promise! |