Having Trouble Adjusting to Life With Baby

[Anonymous]

OP that's what babysitters are for.
Hire someone to be in the house with the baby while you guys enjoy a few hours on your own.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:It does get better - but so far, it hasn't gotten easy. DS is 11 months now, and we can take him to restaurants without him losing it most of the time, but he still hates the car.
I don't really agree with your husband's take on things - to me, it seems mean to drag a baby to a softball game past his bedtime. It also doesn't seem like he is giving you the help and support that you need.
It may be that you are mourning the loss of your former life, or you may be like me - not an infant person. As your child gets older, there will be more things that he enjoys doing. For example, I took my son to baby swim classes, and he loved it - it was great to see him having such a good time. But I didn't really have any nice experiences with him like that until he was 6 months. To be honest, for me, there was nothing good about the first 4 months - DS screamed all the time, was no fun, and couldn't really enjoy doing anything. But now that he's a little older, we have a lot of fun doing things together - we go to the park, for walks (in the morning, so it isn't too hot). Even going to the grocery is fun, because all of it is new to him and interesting.
Better times are ahead, I promise!

This was me too, although I'd say for us it didn't get better until DD was a year or so and could hold an iPhone and watch videos in the car! (She really hated the car.). My DD is 3 now and it is much better. Yes, I still have to plan my day in chunks around her 12-2 nap, and yes we still have to be home by 7:30 to put her to bed, but there's so much more we can do in the in-between hours. Plus, I think I have just gotten used to not having the life I used to. I'm currently pregnant with #2 and I'm dreading the first 6 months after that baby is born. Not only will it be a winter baby so I will be more homebound to start with, but having to work around 2 naps (or more!) a day for a long time is really hard. (Plus I'm terrified about the lack of sleep again since DD didn't sleep through the night until about 15 months...).

[Anonymous]

You've gotten some great advice here. I would just add - make sure you find a regular babysitter or 2 and try to get out with your DH once every couple of weeks and by yourself 1x a week. If you don't have folks to ask for a referral (or family/friends that are willing to actually babysit), try sittersity.com or the DC Forum nanny post. You can interview, check reference and even have potential babysitter over one day that you are at homw so you can see how she interacts with your child. Also, what we frequently did was just go out right after putting baby to bed - it was still early enough - and that way we didn't / don't feel guilty about going out since it's not that we are missing any quality time .

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:You've gotten some great advice here. I would just add - make sure you find a regular babysitter or 2 and try to get out with your DH once every couple of weeks and by yourself 1x a week. If you don't have folks to ask for a referral (or family/friends that are willing to actually babysit), try sittersity.com or the DC Forum nanny post. You can interview, check reference and even have potential babysitter over one day that you are at homw so you can see how she interacts with your child. Also, what we frequently did was just go out right after putting baby to bed - it was still early enough - and that way we didn't / don't feel guilty about going out since it's not that we are missing any quality time .

Yes, this. We go out once a week and have a sitter. Yes, it's expensive, but cheaper than therapy.

[Anonymous]

My DS, who is now 3 1/2, had his first restaurant experience at 2 weeks old. We LOVE to eat out, and couldn't take another day of eating carry-out. I had my DS in January, it was cold and wet, and I remember feeling like I was going to explode from only looking at the 4 walls. Once March blew in, I started getting out, and along he went. If we were out during his usual nap time, he would fall asleep, so it's not like he didn't get a nap. Talk to parents who are on their 2nd or 3rd child - you'll get whole different perceptive. Now that he's 3, he's very easy going and adjusts to any place/situation he's in.

[Anonymous]

You have gotten a lot of great advice here! Plus, I hope it is a bit of a relief to know you are not alone (misery loves company and all that). I just wanted to second (or third) the suggestion of a baby and me yoga or pilates class. The classes at Virginia Hospital Center saved my sanity!!! They do not cost a lot and it is a great time for you to see other moms and for your baby to see other babies! In addition, it is not a big deal if you need to nurse/give a bottle or walk around a bit so it is a very comfortable environment. I also liked having a set time each week that I knew we needed to be somewhere -- it was great practice to get us out the door the rest of the week!

[Anonymous]

I also wanted to add that your DH needs to spend a significant amount of time alone with your baby...that way he knows you are not crazy and complaining about nothing. Once you two are on the same page, you can figure out how to make some things work together. That alone will help you feel less isolated!

[Anonymous]

And just to add insult to injury, when baby is a toddler, you will look back to this time and wonder WTH were you thinking as your toddler melts down for no apparent reason. some people are not infant people. I am not a toddler person.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP that's what babysitters are for.
Hire someone to be in the house with the baby while you guys enjoy a few hours on your own.

I agree with this, and with so much of the great advice above.

It really does get easier with time. Yes, we've found that both bed time and nap time (once DD got on a schedule) are things we need to respect at all times. I can count only a few times we've missed naps or delayed bedtime, and there was hell to pay each and every time. It sucks to feel housebound, but it sucks worse to upset your child's rythmn.

Back to the babysitter point. In reading your post, the part that jumps out at me is not so much the fact that you miss your old lifestyle (although there is a bit of that, understandably). It's that you and your husband aren't yet on the same page about all this.

So yes, get a babysitter for a few hours each weekend until you and DH are able to synch up again. Maybe some of your babysitter time should be during the day so you can do outdoorsy things together without DC. And yes, of course, you should try to include DC in your activities as much as possible. This will be SO much easier once the fall rolls around and the weather's better!

Good luck to you. This is all so very normal, and you all will get through it together. Just do whatever you can to stay connected to DH and keep the conversation going.

[Anonymous]

You have to have your time, it's impossible to stay with baby all the time and not get crazy. Get a nanny and you will enjoy your life much better.

[Anonymous]

I was single and had a really great social life when I got pregnant, so I had a hell of an adjustment to parenting life. For me, though, the baby months were actually not so bad. My daughter could and did sleep pretty much anywhere, so for the first 8 months or so, I took her EVERYWHERE I went, including happy hour. (I'd have one beer.) She's a toddler now and I've had to adjust to the rigid 1-3 naptime and bedtime by 8:30. And it's definitely more challenging to take her to restaurants, which I did a lot of when she was a baby. Toddlers really don't like sitting still. Or not throwing food.

Face it, your life isn't your own anymore. The next couple of years you'll have to kind of suck it up. For now, take the baby to softball games during daylight hours if it's not too hot. The weather won't be this ridiculous forever - you'll be able to take walks all this fall. In a few years, you'll be able to go to your child's softball games. When football season rolls around, have your friends over or have friends host parties at their house, so you can watch the games with friends. (my daughter was usually the only kid at the playoff get-togethers and she got passed around to all my female friends, who loved holding babies.)

Also, you should consider getting a regular babysitter - even once a week will help. You could use the time to play on a team and go out for drinks afterward. I also agree with the others - if DH gets time off, so do you. My ex has my daughter 2 days a week, so I get to work out longer and go out with friends, and it really helps. The problem here isn't all about the baby - the problem here is also that DH's life hasn't changed as much as yours has, and he doesn't get that. I've had similar conversations with my ex.

good luck. I'd say "it gets easier" and it does...eventually.

[Anonymous]

OP, oh, I feel for you. My advice is to definitely stay true to your bedtime schedule. Naptime will most likely fluctuate greatly until one year of age, and by 18 months, your toddler will probably be taking only one nap a day with regularity (fingers crossed). My 10 month old DD is a happy, playful baby, but she likes to sleep in her crib and doesn't do well if she's forced to stay up too long in between her two daily naps. For sure, it's easier to deal with a well-rested baby than an overly tired, frustrated baby. Stick to your guns if it's working for you. BTW, in regard to napping and fussiness, the 8-12 week period was the toughest on us, so far.

Plan wisely. If you only have a two hour window between naps, be ready to walk out the door as soon as your son wakes up. Two hours is enough time to enjoy a meal out with your husband, visit with other parents or friends, or even pop into an art museum for a fast gallery tour. Also, if you're not already doing so, hand off your son to your husband a couple times a week, so you can go for a workout or get a mani-pedi. It may serve a dual-purpose: you'll get a break and your husband may develop a different perspective about how difficult it is to watch an infant all day, every day. Oh, and find a trusted babysitter now if you can bear it, so you can have a couple hours to yourself/yourselves. It will become more difficult and stressful to introduce a stranger to your older infant.

Have a heart to heart with your husband. Communication is key here. My husband and I are great communicators, and yet, since having a baby, meltdowns are definitely more likely to happen between us. Be really honest about how you're feeling.

Ten months into it and I can say, it's getting easier. Yes, there are lots of new challenges, but the exhaustion is waning, and my husband and I are getting better at juggling.

[Anonymous]

Great advice from above PPs.
I want to follow-up on the point about the early bedtime. Why not just adjust your schedules to fit? Maybe DH keeps one softball night a week, so that's his night out. But otherwise, just adjust your day to start (and end) earlier. Maybe you two get involved in activities/groups that meet earlier in the day, or OP yourself make a routine that involves you and baby earlier, so at least DC has had a full day before bedtime.
I know meetup.com has some new parent walking / hiking groups; you could do this on the weekend.

My DD is 1 year and we are still trying to adjust; but it's a lot easier to work within the fixed boundaries (i.e. baby) then try to fight it.

Good luck, OP. Sounds like you a concerned and caring mom and you should pat yourself on the back for that.

[Anonymous]

OP, there are a few lucky duck moms on here who said that their babies napped anywhere, and they took them everywhere. Sounds like you don't have that kind of baby. Which isn't the end of the world - in fact YOU need the naps too, so even now when we have a 2.5 and 6 mo, we look forward to 'naptime' in the afternoon on weekends when both kids are asleep (and us too!). Our older one still won't nap anywhere but daycare, the car, or our house.

It took us a little while to figure it out, but invite people over and, as some PPs, mentioned, go for walks after dinner. You are lucky - my #1 had a much later bedtime, which made dinner parties tricker; if yours is in bed at 7:30pm, then that leaves a big window for socializing! So just make people come to you and stick to easy dinners or takeout and board games.

Also, try some local day hikes; even the Smithsonians if you don't want to be out in the heat. Naptime does count if it's in the car (if you go to Shenandoah, that's at least a 2-hr nap either way and you might get in a 1-hour hike after the feeding/burping/diaper change!). Yes there will be a few minutes of crying but the baby will probably pass out after that if they were ready for a nap when you left the house. Also consider switching to a convertible seat shortly; the infant seats aren't nearly as comfortable. Try to plan EASY, simple activities, and don't let yourself get disappointed if things don't work out as expected. One thing your DH has to learn is that the baby is person #3; personalities start super-early and you can't expect them to be brought along like a dog. So they need equal consideration, too.

Also, consider joining a gym with childcare (some do watch babies). I personally could never have brought #1 to baby/mommy yoga - he was just too fickle - but if you can work around his schedule then that would be less stressful. Because I'm sure you realize that some days, the stars have to align for you to even leave the house. It's even hard when you're trying to get someplace at a certain time.

Hang in there!

[Anonymous]

Lots of great advice from the PPs.

And on the babysitter front, if cost is an issue (and I know how frustrating it is to bay someone to sit in your house while the baby just sleeps!) try to hook up with another set of new parents and swap. So one week you or your husband go to their house and sit, and the next week they return the favor. That way you both get some much needed together time, without having to pay extra. And one night a week relaxing at a friends house watching TV / reading a book / working on the computer is pretty easy on you, too.