
DH forgot my birthday I had to remind him after some days. He brought some flowers apologized, expected that I should be happy and asked if the sulking will be soon over. I asked him to take back his flowers. I never get flowers (not even for Valentine’s Day). Btw he forgot Valentine's Day this year. His excuse: I was traveling. I get flowers when he needs to apologize for something major. We both work full time jobs and long hours. He doesn’t lift a finger to help with the kids (evenings or weekends). I had to vent. |
Poor OP! Your vent is fully justified, but will not get you anywhere. If you want to have the life you deserve, act so that he understands he needs to correct himself.
1. Make a short list of every important item he should be doing/contributing to (leave out the small stuff), including the practical (chores) and psychological (birthdays, attention to your feelings, etc). 2. Wait until you have his full attention and say you need to have a serious discussion. Say: 3. You appreciate his working so hard for the family. 4. But over the years he has made you unhappy because he has failed to do X, Y, Z - on your list. 4. You have managed to multitask AND think about him too. You expect him to do the same, as in any healthy relationship. 5. You need to be respected, have not been respected in the marriage, and therefore are taking a well-deserved vacation without him (and/or the kids). Goodbye. When you come back, you hope he will have learned to treat you correctly. People will not stop walking all over you if you don't *show* them you are not a doormat. |
PP here; you can also ask him what you should be doing better to make him happy. In conjunction with a damming comparison of how much he does and how much you do, it's a way of saying he really does not have a leg to stand on. |
So what now, OP. You rejected the apology, leaving DH at a loss. What do you think he should do now so that this doesn't happen again? What should you do to move past the "punishment" stage.
You were treated badly, and you should be upset, but I think sulking for a few days wasn't a good strategy. |
I'm sorry that you are experiencing this. If it gets so bad that you feel helpless or completely powerless, try couples therapy. A spouse who is treating you this way is being insensitive and unfair. |
OP, it's sad that your husband forgot your birthday. Did you tell him directly that you were upset? Or did you, in fact, sulk? Because if you sulked, I can see why he was upset. And asking him to "take back the flowers" is immature. In a marriage, you need to act like a grown up person. He forgot your birthday, he didn't beat you up or insult you. It sounds to me like he doesn't have a chance to make anything up to you -- you just create new drama. Ugh. |
OP here. Should I wait until he insults me or beats me up before reacting? As for asking him to take back his flowers, I really meant it. Flowers from him are always when he acts like a jerk... always sad or upsetting occasions. Flowers can also be given in happy times. |
he beats you up? |
Did he act like this before you were married...if so...it's just the way he is, which is terrible. You can most certainly try talking to him about it and you should but I think he seems set in his selfish ways. |
OP, sounds like there's bigger issues here than forgetting a birthday. Your marriage won't succeed if something as commonplace as forgetting a birthday leads to a three day sulk. As I said above, he did screw up, no doubt. But holding that inside for three days - I think you need to grow up.
I still can't get passed the sulk (or the flower return) - not really into drama, myself. I think what you want from DCUM right now is validation that you are right and husband is a schmuck. Good luck with that. |
I think my birthday is a big deal but I dont expect anyone to remember it without a reminder. I talk it up weeks in advance. That way people dont have an excuse. To this day my husband thinks my bday is on the 23 when it's on the 26th. He gets the two days mixed up because his grandma is on the other. |
How can he not help with the kids? Do you just take it on yourself or ask him to get involved? |
get rid of him. he's aloof and unproductive. |
If these events are important to you, it would probably be more productive to remind him when they are coming up. |
Am I the only one that doesn't see this as a big deal? All these holidays- birthdays, mother's day, valentine's, xmas, etc, etc - so what?
Do you love him? Does he love you? Does he need to waste money on some gift for you to know that? If the only way he can show you he cares about you is on these specific days with material items then are you even in love? You both work, full time, why stress about remembering a few days a year? Why not just make it a point to make it known to each other, always-everyday, that you love and care for each other. Words are free. Express your love that way, it will last forever as memories and reassurance instead of some material possession that will get broken/ go out of style/ wither and die/ collect dust. |