About 5 years ago my husband of ten years cheated on me with one of our children's friends mother (and a few other people, that I found out about afterwards) Our children at the time were 8 and 10. The day I found out is the day it was over, my children found out why it ended so abruptly, I thought we were doing good before that and we even spent the previous weekend as a family at the beach. There was no fighting or anything that prepared the kids for this, or me for that matter.
My daughter refused to see him for weeks. They did see me sad, but I never talked bad about their father then or now, I save that for my friends. I would never keep my kids from their father and believe everyone deserves to have a mom and a dad in their lives. After custody was decided my daughter was forced to go, I would encourage it and say you'll have fun, go to a movie, chuckie cheese, dinner, etc. I wanted them both to have a good relationship with both of us. After years of not wanting to go and getting out of it whenever she could and her now being a teenager, she refuses, I still try to talk her into it, telling her she has to have forgiveness in her heart, people make mistakes. He has done some very hurtful things to her beyond the affair.
For years I have been trying to get him to go to her concerts, her sports games, her award ceremonies, show some interest in her life, etc. when he does show up it is rare but I never tell her it is because I have nagged him all week. I can't stand to see her hurt, looking for him and me making up some excuse of why he might not be there again. He went back to the single life, drinking, dating, bachelor for awhile. My question is do I keep trying to get her to go with him, even just for dinner, not for a whole weekend and do I keep trying to get him to be the father she deserves or any father at all at this point or do I just let her see the man he really is and step out of it?
It breaks my heart that he doesn't know her, what an amazing girl she has become, so smart, so sweet, so much fun to be around and that she doesn't have a dad that would give anything to see her, not that has to be guilted into it. I can't imagine going a day without seeing her or talking to her and he goes weeks/months without even a text.
Our son does still go on the weekends he is supposed to and looks forward to spending time with his dad. For years he was supposed to also take them two nights during the week, but never did. After seeing how much my son wanted to see him more, I kept nagging his father to come at least one night during the week to pick up his son for dinner. The nights he doesn't show up, my son is crushed. Or he would say he was coming for them and be one to two hours late, after I made sure the kids were home from their friends and ready to go. He complains to my son about money that he has to give me and that I brainwashed his daughter to not want to see him. My son tells him that's not true, that I try to talk her into going and tells me he just blanks out when he says negative things. This is also another reason my daughter does not want to go, she was sick of hearing the constant complaining about how he would have more money to do things, if he didn't have to give it to me.
My main goal in life is to do right by my kids, no matter what and it's hard when I don't know what that is. I don't want to be in the future looking back and thinking I should have done things differently for them, I want to figure out what it is and do it now. People tell me I am just prolonging letting them know who their father really is by making excuses for him and not telling them the truth. Example: He didn't go to her elementary school graduation ceremony because he thought it was stupid and no big deal "It's not like she's graduating from college" I told her he had to work late. Thanks for reading, any suggestions would be appreciated.

1

1

1

Anonymous wrote:

Sabrina55 wrote:I was not going to post the email because I felt it was disrespectful but at this point I don't care. I do want to see what outsiders think whether I am wrong or not. I am not proud of this email and I am usually not like this but I was mad and wanted to say all the things I kept inside and never said because he always had a way of making me feel I was wrong. I do still keep going back and forth whether I am over reacting or asking too much or should have just focused on the good and been happy for what I did have. I did edit very little just to remove information that would give away who we are, cause this is embarrassing and I did not tell anyone the majority of this, I always just told friends and family good things because I wanted everyone to like him and I don't talk behind anyone's back. I really do appreciate everyone's support and advice. Thank you

A bit of therapy might be helpful, OP. you don't have to go long-term. But this relationship has made you feel very unsure of yourself. A therapist can help you see things more objectively, give coping skills, and build up that self esteem a bit more. Big hugs.

Thanks he did make me feel crazy and therapy I guess would confirm that. I am having a hard time copying and pasting the email the way it was actually written and the way I replied you'll understand when it's posted what I mean, all while still trying to deal with customers. It will be up soon.

I was not going to post the email because I felt it was disrespectful but at this point I don't care. I do want to see what outsiders think whether I am wrong or not. I am not proud of this email and I am usually not like this but I was mad and wanted to say all the things I kept inside and never said because he always had a way of making me feel I was wrong. I do still keep going back and forth whether I am over reacting or asking too much or should have just focused on the good and been happy for what I did have. I did edit very little just to remove information that would give away who we are, cause this is embarrassing and I did not tell anyone the majority of this, I always just told friends and family good things because I wanted everyone to like him and I don't talk behind anyone's back. I really do appreciate everyone's support and advice. Thank you

Anonymous wrote:and, for some perspective: I have a stepchild. I mix my money with my spouse's income, and it all goes to our family expenses; housing, food, activities, camp, clothes, etc. Supporting my stepchild--financially and emotionally--was part of the deal when I married my spouse. It's a package deal. I do not 'subtract' expenses for stepchild because I am not biologically related. While I understand why a PP felt that your fiance did not have an "obligation" to support your kids (but did have an obligation to share expenses) I would seriously question why you would want to marry someone who did not view you or your children as family.

You can't help who you love and it really hurts to feel that he can just walk away and move on like nothing happened and not even care, while I am hurt, crushed and questioning myself and for him to doubt that I did love him.

Sabrina55 wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I posted before, but working adults in the household generally should be 50/50 contributors. Whose kids are whose don't matter. This percentage can be changed if someone is making significantly more or less.

Now, if I had kids and was living with a fiancé who was not their father, I would expect to pay kid stuff like clothing, helath insurance, field trips, big Christmas presents, etc.

Which begs the question, was he one for buying gifts? Did he buy you things? Your kids?

That guy has some SERIOUS issues with money. I wonder what his childhood was like....

He bought me gifts for occasions, I bought all the gifts for the kids and put both our names on it. He bought them one gift each EVER, years ago and that was as a thank you for them helping rake one of his houses and he gave them a dollar for every bag they filled. I NEVER EVER expected him to pay for kids clothes, activities, health related stuff.

One of the sweetest things I can remember, our first Christmas together, my son brought his own money to school without even telling me and bought him Football Glasses of the team he likes, from the school fundraiser and surprised him with his own gift.

Anonymous wrote:I posted before, but working adults in the household generally should be 50/50 contributors. Whose kids are whose don't matter. This percentage can be changed if someone is making significantly more or less.

Now, if I had kids and was living with a fiancé who was not their father, I would expect to pay kid stuff like clothing, helath insurance, field trips, big Christmas presents, etc.

Which begs the question, was he one for buying gifts? Did he buy you things? Your kids?

That guy has some SERIOUS issues with money. I wonder what his childhood was like....

He bought me gifts for occasions, I bought all the gifts for the kids and put both our names on it. He bought them one gift each EVER, years ago and that was as a thank you for them helping rake one of his houses and he gave them a dollar for every bag they filled. I NEVER EVER expected him to pay for kids clothes, activities, health related stuff.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I feel oddly excited about this whole outcome. If DCUM in any way contributed to the demise of this relationship and his leaving the house for good, mission accomplished! OP, good luck. You are so much better off!

This.

Probably best for OP to have ended the relationship but now that we have "mission accomplished", what are those who urged her to end the relationship going to do to enable OP to meet the shortfall in whatever her SO was contributing?

Actions have consequences but she is left alone to deal with the consequences.

This is true, even though the contribution was not as much as everyone said it fairly should have been, it was helping. As I reflect on everything that had gone on over the years that brought on so much of this resentment, there are things that I just let go over and over, because I spent so much time trying to prove to him that I was not the type that needed or expected expensive things, or cared about money, this is obvious to everyone around me, but I do now really think he was able to make me feel that I was wrong so many times and horrible about myself and always trying to change things that bothered him, to make him happy, no matter what I did it was never enough and most times not even acknowledged. Everytime we went anywhere with the kids I paid for everyone, including him because he said he shouldn't have to pay to go to an amusement park or a kid related vacation since it is not something he wants to do and always made me feel like he was doing me a favor by coming with us. He went food shopping once or twice a month, I did the shopping for things needed in between, since he was paying when he went, he got to decide that my razors, ice cream I like, kids juice boxes and mini muffins etc. were too expensive and wouldn't get them and then made me feel horrible for asking for them in the first place. My kids are not big eaters and we are all actually underweight, so he might have a point if we just sat around and ate all day. There is so much more, I have truly tried to stick to the financial part of this. Does anyone think his % of contribution should differ if our income was the same amount?

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP please keep coming here and keep the conversation going. This forum can be quite resourceful. Do you live in the area?

Thanks, I do not live in the area. I am debating whether to post the email I was sent last night from him and my responses to it, curious as to how those responses would be.

OP, I totally want to see it. This guy is fascinating to me, as I could not personally imagine being such a manipulative asshole.

Also, why are you now posting anonymously instead of with the username you registered last night? That's the sort of thing that makes people call troll.

I didn't realize I was, I never logged off, it was the first time I posted today and I just clicked the link in an email letting me know someone left a response. Sorry, really not a troll (even though yesteday was the first time I have ever heard that expression)

Anonymous wrote:OP, I cheered out loud when you said he left.

You can find a roommate to live in your house and pay some rent to make your financial burdens easier. I'd go with a single older woman if I were you.

Thanks, I really think I will look into that. I do have a spare bedroom and it is a decent size house. I've had roomates in the past and it worked out pretty good.

Anonymous wrote:You've barely mentioned your kids. I'm still having a hard time believing this all went down in the course of one day. You joined yesterday, posted, keep editing your original post...didn't answer anyone's questions about your kids, their ages or feelings? Where is the blended family? That's when two adults make a conscious decision to join their lives together and their children (or one spouse's children). All you've talked about is how you love him and wanted to be loved by him, and the finances. This is all very strange to me. I'm not trying to be mean or rude, just telling it like I see it with this one.

I joined yesterday, cause like I said I have never posted on a site before. I edited my original post to add things like the help he did around the house to make it as unbias as possible to get a fair response. My kids are 13 and almost 15 and I did say one is three years away from college and the other received a state award. This post was to get insight on how to fairly split bills, finances. Also, has not been in the course of a day, maybe you missed a few pages.

Anonymous wrote:

Sabrina55 wrote:

Anonymous wrote:You make zero references to your children and I find that really sad. Do you not care how they are seeing their mom being treated? Do you not care that you aren't setting a good example for them? All I've heard is ME ME ME...not what is best for you children.

I am always thinking of my children and anyone that knows me knows that I put them before myself. I was told so many times how it bothered him that I put them before him, so how could I expect him to put me before his family. I was trying to weigh everything, the contribution he was giving helped enough so they could have some extra's instead of that money going to the other half of the electric bill, that is also why we are still in this house because they love it and after what they have been through I did not want to have to move them out of the house they have known their whole life. I am realizing more now, that is why I am doing this.

So it is better for them to stay in the house and see their mom treated like crap? Ok then. You need therapy to work on your issues.

They did not see their mom treated like crap, I was not sure of how people handle finances with future step children and one owns the house and the other lives there. Again, that is why I was asking how other people usually handle the finances of blending a family. I have stayed in this house for two years before we were together, that has nothing to do with the amount he should be chipping in. Recently there have been alot more expenses that are out of my control then there was years ago. Which is also why I was wondering what is fair a % from each income, split things 3/4 and 1/4. I did not know that when I was struggling more and things were going downhill fast that he would not step up. I was hoping to get guys opinions also to see how they feel about finances with someone with kids, when they don't have any.

Anonymous wrote:Best wishes OP. change is hard even when it's for the best.

You sound like a very caring person and you will find someone who is worthy.

Thank you, I hope your right.