Husband has serious anger management issues

[Anonymous]

Dh must have woke up on the wrong side of the bed this morning. We usually go to the ymca on Saturdays. He goes to personal training, and our 1-year-old 5-year old go to the childcare. Today, he asked if he can go to the gym alone because he needs a break from us. The YMCA is my break, so I said no. He claims he's always the one taking care of them, i.e., carrying the 1-year old into the gym from the car? He refuses to take the stroller. We live in a nine-story building, so we do have a little walk to the parking lot.
The baby is okay with childcare. He doesn't cry at all. He also claims I can't even get the kids to sleep, and he's always doing it. This also isn't accurate. Yesterday I put both kids to sleep. I put the baby down for his nap every day, and I always help one of the kid's sleep. They're both challenging to get to sleep, but my DH doesn't do anything fun with them before sleeping, like reading to them. I feel like DH wants me to sacrifice more than him. Yesterday, for example, I sat out on the balcony eating my dinner, and instead of letting myself enjoy, he was ordering me to watch the baby and telling me I need to get rid of my exercise rower. Still, the baby will use it as a stool to jump off the balcony. He's so paranoid. He sucks all the fun out of everything. The issue is more about his communication style. He thinks yelling at me is justified. Overall I feel he doesn't care about me, and I don't like his constant insults about what kind of mom I am. We have tried therapy. It helps a tiny bit, but I don't see him ever-changing. At his core, I feel like he thinks I am the issue, and if I just listened to him, things would be okay.

[Anonymous]

It sounds like you are both exhausted from parenting, which is normal when you have young kids. I suggest giving each other some time off. He gets a few hours to himself on Saturday and you get a few hours on Sunday. He's burnt out and forcing family time isn't going to help.

I'm not really seeing the anger issue here, but PEP has a good class on managing anger that you can take together. DH and I took it and found it very helpful. I would continue therapy to work on your communication issues, and maybe find a new therapist if it doesn't seem to be helping.

[Anonymous]

He is tired from parenting and so I you. Why not hire some help instead of all the therapies?
DH and I haven't been to gym since children were born, and I could never dream of sitting on balcony when my kids are inside. It shouldn't be a big deal if you have help. It is a big deal when both of you are tired.

[Anonymous]

OP, I think your DH’s behavior indeed sounds concerning and unhealthy and unkind. Totally agree that parenting young kids can make it hard to be your best self, but it still shouldn’t make you cruel to your life partner. Don’t accept this behavior and call him out on it. If he doesn’t care or take your concerns seriously, I would give serious consideration to whether you should stay married to someone who would treat you like that.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP, I think your DH’s behavior indeed sounds concerning and unhealthy and unkind. Totally agree that parenting young kids can make it hard to be your best self, but it still shouldn’t make you cruel to your life partner. Don’t accept this behavior and call him out on it. If he doesn’t care or take your concerns seriously, I will give serious consideration to whether you should stay married to someone who would treat you like that.

OP here. Thank you. We're both extremely stressed but still no excuse. We're the adults here. We need to figure out how to handle the kids without exploding.