What to do About a Spouse Who Constantly Undercuts Your Parenting?

[Anonymous]

Say, you tell the kids they need to be dressed and ready to go to schoool by 7:30 or you don't give them a ride and spouse says "Dont be so hard" and then drives them late every single day

Say, you tell them they need to lock up their bike or it will be stolen. Bike gets stolen and spouse says "Sorry there are terrible people out there- we ill get you a new bike"

Say, you tell them they need to maintain a 3.0 if they want to have a phone. Grades com en at 2.6 so you take the phone. Spouse thengives it back while you are out of the house.

What would you do? Don't suggest "have along talk about how this makes you feel" because we've had that a dozen times.

[Anonymous]

I think you need spouses agreement before you make rules for the kids. Trying to get their buy in after you've already given a rule isn't going to work.

[Anonymous]

No my spouse does not do that and it would infuriate me if they did. I would seriously raise hell.

[Anonymous]

Stop parenting. Let them be a single parent since thwy wnat to make all the decisions.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I think you need spouses agreement before you make rules for the kids. Trying to get their buy in after you've already given a rule isn't going to work.

I agree. Talk about the rules and the consequences in advance. And if they don't follow through, make sure they bear the consequences entirely -- you never drop the kids off late, replacing things comes out of your spouse's discretionary money, etc. If you take the phone away, hide it.

[Anonymous]

NP. When you talk about the rules and consequences in advance, be ready to discuss priorities and the kids' path to get back on track. How will they earn money towards a new bike? When will they qualify to get their phone back? How long is the walk to school if they miss the bus? Which issue to tackle first? If the kids are lacking skills, what will you do to help them?

I agree that a "talk about how this makes you feel" is not in order. A talk about how to get the kids from their current level of functioning to independent adulthood is, and what is appropriate given their ages. Some parents go "easy" on their kids because drawing boundaries and helping kids rise to higher expectations takes more work than ignoring the slipping grades, and shelling out $ for a new bike.

[Anonymous]

Maybe you should stop being such a hard ass and accept that the other parent has just as much right to parent their way as you do yours.

[Anonymous]

Time to choose some consequences that spouse cannot undercut. The consequence of being late is that Parent 1 will not give you a ride, you have to take your chances with Parent 2. Change the phone login to something that only you know, and disable features from the account rather than taking the physical phone.