Divorcing an unstable narcissist/ Post separation abuse a thing?

[Anonymous]

Things have escalated for the worse over the last 5 years and no amount of quiet, tiptoeing or basic questions are not met with his shouting and nonsense. He’s doing it to the kids now that they’re older as well. I live in fear of him and in fear of a divorce process with someone this stunted, mean, and selfish.

Anyone coped Ok and stayed versus slogged through a crazy divorce and crazy coparenting time with an abuser who won’t leave? I think things are untenable and I may have a nervous breakdown thinking through how bad the options are.

[Anonymous]

Another thing- sometimes I do about back or repeat my reasonable comment, then he escalated more until he flips a switch and plays a victim. “Don’t say that”. “Don’t call me that”. “You’re terrible” are his final Go To’s

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Another thing- sometimes I do about back or repeat my reasonable comment, then he escalated more until he flips a switch and plays a victim. “Don’t say that”. “Don’t call me that”. “You’re terrible” are his final Go To’s

Can you give more examples of his responses? Honestly, these don't seem that bad. But, we don't have the whole story.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Another thing- sometimes I do about back or repeat my reasonable comment, then he escalated more until he flips a switch and plays a victim. “Don’t say that”. “Don’t call me that”. “You’re terrible” are his final Go To’s

Can you give more examples of his responses? Honestly, these don't seem that bad. But, we don't have the whole story.

Make a comment
He shouts Shut Up.
Repeat comment and what he had agreed to do (only a handful of things ever)
He shouts and insults me.
I can walk away leaving original issue unresolved, or I can take on the escalation. Eg if I say Don’t act like a jerk, he suddenly plays the victim.

He does this every day now. Used to be once a week and before that once a month.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Another thing- sometimes I do about back or repeat my reasonable comment, then he escalated more until he flips a switch and plays a victim. “Don’t say that”. “Don’t call me that”. “You’re terrible” are his final Go To’s

Can you give more examples of his responses? Honestly, these don't seem that bad. But, we don't have the whole story.

Wow. Way to gaslight instead of addressing the actual concern. Do you think you just saved a marriage to a narc?!

[Anonymous]

Yes, the abuse can and sometimes does continue. But it’s much more limited in frequency and duration, so life is better.

[Anonymous]

Are kids involved? Then yes, could be ongoing via them. Keep kids in therapy.

[Anonymous]

How old are kids?

[Anonymous]

You might be able to make it til kids are off, depending on many factors not stated here. It might be impossible to gain peace if you divorce. It is so hard to say how to do it.

[Anonymous]

Hi- kids are lower elementary school, spouse has ASD/bipolar II rages where he is just emotionally and verbally cruel to me, anything sets him off, he neglects us most of the time, and has money and narcissist tendencies. He lies a lot, I almost suspect dementia.

Anything you’ve read about living with this type is true.
—Op

[Anonymous]

Separated and divorced from someone with these issues, it has been incredibly abusive, but I am able to deflect most of it from DC which was my main concern. Has taken a huge toll on me personally though. The separation itself heightens the abuse but overall the abuse cycle is unchanged.

[Anonymous]

Maybe go talk to a lawyer (without him knowing) so you can know what to expect from a divorce/custody agreement. I think your life CAN get better if you can get away from him, but it could take years of fighting custody, etc., which will wear on you and the kids. It's a calculation only you can make.

[Anonymous]

Split from my emotional abuser. To my surprise, he basically, didn’t take the custody he was offered, so the kids live with me 100% and visit him.

You cannot survive for another 10 years living with him, and your kids will learn lifelong awful patterns. It helped me to recognize that all my choices are bad. My only option was to pick the least bad one.

The least bad option is separating. Even in the worst case scenario, with only 50% custody, you will be able to achieve the most important thing - a calm, loving and stable home for your kids.

After separating, for years I thought the right thing to do was to co-parent. With a normal co-parent that may be true, but with an abusive or mentally ill parent, the best thing is to grey rock, communicate only by email text or other written forms, and parallel parent.

Now I take no responsibility to coach or support DH’s parenting. He is a grown man and can reach out directly to school, aftercare, activities, etc. I do not help or communicate on anything unless critical to kids (like healthcare). When he comes to pick up kids, he waits on porch or in car. We have very little interaction, which is better for kids. If he starts getting cranky or nasty with to me, I simply stop responding.

Over time, with very strong and consistent boundary enforcement, he has learned implicitly, that if he wants any interaction at all, he has to be polite to me or he will be excluded. YMMV.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Split from my emotional abuser. To my surprise, he basically, didn’t take the custody he was offered, so the kids live with me 100% and visit him.

You cannot survive for another 10 years living with him, and your kids will learn lifelong awful patterns. It helped me to recognize that all my choices are bad. My only option was to pick the least bad one.

The least bad option is separating. Even in the worst case scenario, with only 50% custody, you will be able to achieve the most important thing - a calm, loving and stable home for your kids.

After separating, for years I thought the right thing to do was to co-parent. With a normal co-parent that may be true, but with an abusive or mentally ill parent, the best thing is to grey rock, communicate only by email text or other written forms, and parallel parent.

Now I take no responsibility to coach or support DH’s parenting. He is a grown man and can reach out directly to school, aftercare, activities, etc. I do not help or communicate on anything unless critical to kids (like healthcare). When he comes to pick up kids, he waits on porch or in car. We have very little interaction, which is better for kids. If he starts getting cranky or nasty with to me, I simply stop responding.

Over time, with very strong and consistent boundary enforcement, he has learned implicitly, that if he wants any interaction at all, he has to be polite to me or he will be excluded. YMMV.

+1000
90/10 here.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Split from my emotional abuser. To my surprise, he basically, didn’t take the custody he was offered, so the kids live with me 100% and visit him.

You cannot survive for another 10 years living with him, and your kids will learn lifelong awful patterns. It helped me to recognize that all my choices are bad. My only option was to pick the least bad one.

The least bad option is separating. Even in the worst case scenario, with only 50% custody, you will be able to achieve the most important thing - a calm, loving and stable home for your kids.

After separating, for years I thought the right thing to do was to co-parent. With a normal co-parent that may be true, but with an abusive or mentally ill parent, the best thing is to grey rock, communicate only by email text or other written forms, and parallel parent.

Now I take no responsibility to coach or support DH’s parenting. He is a grown man and can reach out directly to school, aftercare, activities, etc. I do not help or communicate on anything unless critical to kids (like healthcare). When he comes to pick up kids, he waits on porch or in car. We have very little interaction, which is better for kids. If he starts getting cranky or nasty with to me, I simply stop responding.

Over time, with very strong and consistent boundary enforcement, he has learned implicitly, that if he wants any interaction at all, he has to be polite to me or he will be excluded. YMMV.

am curious if these types, who work a lot as well, drag things out in court or are capable of mediation or settling? communicating with them is so tough even words have different meanings than normal.