Time-outs for almost three-year-old

[Anonymous]

I don’t like time-outs but nothing else is working. I’ve reserved the time out for when Our 2 yr/10 month old hits the baby or endangers her in some way. I’ve been speaking very sternly and sending him to his room where he just sits in his chair. I started doing it because I feel such anger at him hurting her but it also seems to be good for him. Then we talk about what happened and he loses whatever he was playing with when the altercation happened for the day.

Please do not tell me he isn’t getting enough attention! I’m off work and have been since covid hit and we have a wonderful and engaged nanny. And DH is still working from home so he’s available and playing with our son all but 8 hours a day. DS has someone’s attention all the time.

I’m at my wits end. He cannot hit or hurt the baby or anyone. He’s starting preschool in a couple weeks and I don’t know if that will help this behavior.

Anything else I can do? How long should he be in time-out? Thank you.

[Anonymous]

2 mins. It’s supposed to be a minute for every year of their age. I did the bottom stair because it was more boring than her bedroom.

[Anonymous]

How are they interacting when he's not hitting? How old is the baby? Are you getting him involved with the baby? (Bringing you a blanket or binky, picking out a book, etc.)

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:How are they interacting when he's not hitting? How old is the baby? Are you getting him involved with the baby? (Bringing you a blanket or binky, picking out a book, etc.)

OP here. The baby is ten months and crawling. He says he doesn’t like her and has never wanted to be involved with her. He’s only shown a protective or caring moment when we first started feeding her and he’d say, “she doesn’t like that! Stop giving it to her!”

She wants everything he’s playing with and we stop her and tell her that he’s playing with x right now. He also has cars and beloved stuffed animals in his room that she can never play with. They will roll the ball to each other but that’s about it. We are very fair about taking turns. We tried reading to them together but she annoys him and won’t sit still. If I am playing with her, he wants whatever we’re playing with.

[Anonymous]

Is he getting enough attention from YOU? You can't just pawn him off onto other people while you coo over the newborn and assume he's not going to be jealous of all the attention you're lavishing on that new baby.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Is he getting enough attention from YOU? You can't just pawn him off onto other people while you coo over the newborn and assume he's not going to be jealous of all the attention you're lavishing on that new baby.

YES. I can’t stress this enough. YES HE IS GETTING MY ATTENTION ALL DAY. He gets most of my attention and we spend all morning, just the two of us, together outside every weekday. I never exclude him from anything I might be doing with the baby. Never. He’s never been pawned off on other people! His nanny is a former preschool teacher and he happily runs off to do fun things with her. Plus she’s been his nanny since birth and he loves her. He’s also very close to his dad and does a lot with him.

[Anonymous]

It’s such a common phase, OP. My older DS would act lovingly toward his baby brother by hugging him WAY too hard and rocking him so hard the baby’s little feet would fly up. He was clearly trying to hurt the baby but harder to discipline because he’d say he loved the baby.

[Anonymous]

OP this is normal, and the solution is to prevent him from hurting her because impulse control is still something a 2 year old struggles with.

We put a gate up at this age and the baby got his own space so he wasn't always getting into his older brother's stuff.

[Anonymous]

Have you thought about a childcare arrangement that allows him to be away from the baby? Perhaps he needs to engage socially with people other than your immediate family? He is obviously having a difficult time adjusting to a new sibling and outside simulation might help.

Also, time outs don't work. I say this as an early childhood teacher. The kid just sits there and thinks about how much you suck. Plus, it tells them that when they have big feelings they get sent away, which in turn creates more big feelings and shame.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Have you thought about a childcare arrangement that allows him to be away from the baby? Perhaps he needs to engage socially with people other than your immediate family? He is obviously having a difficult time adjusting to a new sibling and outside simulation might help.

Also, time outs don't work. I say this as an early childhood teacher. The kid just sits there and thinks about how much you suck. Plus, it tells them that when they have big feelings they get sent away, which in turn creates more big feelings and shame.

OP here. Not childcare but preschool. He’s starting the transition this week and will be in preschool five hours starting the last week of August.

I was never a fan of time outs either but when he hurts the baby, I need him away from me for a few minutes. He complies and does seem remorseful. We try to deal with his big feelings as best we can when he’s calm but he has to stop hurting her. What can we do to get him to stop? She has big feelings too.

[Anonymous]

You're describing a routine where he gets jealous of the baby, which will happen no matter how much attention he gets, and then does something that shifts all the attention to him. I'm guessing you're stopping playing with the baby to walk him to his room, make sure he's sitting, and then you're talking about it afterwards? That's a powerful reinforcer.

When it happens pick up the baby, go somewhere else and do something fun. Don't explain. Don't talk to him at all. Just say "Let's go somewhere safe" to the baby and leave. In a minute, when he rejoins, let him as long as he stays safe.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP this is normal, and the solution is to prevent him from hurting her because impulse control is still something a 2 year old struggles with.

We put a gate up at this age and the baby got his own space so he wasn't always getting into his older brother's stuff.

OP I think this is the best answer so far. Time outs if he does hit but in order to prevent that - separation. Make it physically impossible for him to hit his sister.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:How are they interacting when he's not hitting? How old is the baby? Are you getting him involved with the baby? (Bringing you a blanket or binky, picking out a book, etc.)

OP here. The baby is ten months and crawling. He says he doesn’t like her and has never wanted to be involved with her. He’s only shown a protective or caring moment when we first started feeding her and he’d say, “she doesn’t like that! Stop giving it to her!”

She wants everything he’s playing with and we stop her and tell her that he’s playing with x right now. He also has cars and beloved stuffed animals in his room that she can never play with. They will roll the ball to each other but that’s about it. We are very fair about taking turns. We tried reading to them together but she annoys him and won’t sit still. If I am playing with her, he wants whatever we’re playing with.

Rolling the ball together is a great start! Maybe you already do, but everytime she smiles or laughs, I would reinforce to him how much she likes him. She's smiling because she loves being with him, she's not just a sister but his friend, etc.

Also, maybe if he was interested in telling you what she didn't like then, he might be interested in telling you about other things she doesn't like? I might start by just asking about everything. If baby wiggles away during reading time, before you move her, perhaps ask your son about it, "I don't sister likes this book, what do you think?'

Hitting may be common, but I think if you can get him a little more involved, it may lessen a bit.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:You're describing a routine where he gets jealous of the baby, which will happen no matter how much attention he gets, and then does something that shifts all the attention to him. I'm guessing you're stopping playing with the baby to walk him to his room, make sure he's sitting, and then you're talking about it afterwards? That's a powerful reinforcer.

When it happens pick up the baby, go somewhere else and do something fun. Don't explain. Don't talk to him at all. Just say "Let's go somewhere safe" to the baby and leave. In a minute, when he rejoins, let him as long as he stays safe.

OP again. No, I tell him to go to his room and he walks there on his own and all my attention is on the baby as is the nanny’s as well. I don’t want to tell my son he isn’t safe and I don’t want to take her away from something fun because her brother hit her.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:How are they interacting when he's not hitting? How old is the baby? Are you getting him involved with the baby? (Bringing you a blanket or binky, picking out a book, etc.)

OP here. The baby is ten months and crawling. He says he doesn’t like her and has never wanted to be involved with her. He’s only shown a protective or caring moment when we first started feeding her and he’d say, “she doesn’t like that! Stop giving it to her!”

She wants everything he’s playing with and we stop her and tell her that he’s playing with x right now. He also has cars and beloved stuffed animals in his room that she can never play with. They will roll the ball to each other but that’s about it. We are very fair about taking turns. We tried reading to them together but she annoys him and won’t sit still. If I am playing with her, he wants whatever we’re playing with.

Rolling the ball together is a great start! Maybe you already do, but everytime she smiles or laughs, I would reinforce to him how much she likes him. She's smiling because she loves being with him, she's not just a sister but his friend, etc.

Also, maybe if he was interested in telling you what she didn't like then, he might be interested in telling you about other things she doesn't like? I might start by just asking about everything. If baby wiggles away during reading time, before you move her, perhaps ask your son about it, "I don't sister likes this book, what do you think?'

Hitting may be common, but I think if you can get him a little more involved, it may lessen a bit.

OP again. Good suggestions. Thank you.