Discussing gender when a 3yo has questions

[Anonymous]

My sweet and usually shy 3yo recently asked - quite loudly - if the salesperson helping us was a boy or a girl. I truly don’t know. Perhaps they were gender non-conforming. They had fem long hairstyle but otherwise presented more masculine. I didn’t give it any thought until my 3yo announced her question.

I did not - and still do not - know how to respond. In the moment I stammered trying to think of the right thing to say until my 6yo piped up (like big sibs like to do) that “it wasn’t an appropriate thing to ask because sometimes people feel different on the inside than they look on the outside.” The sales clerk than changed the subject by asking my children a question about the backpacks we were buying.

On one hand it felt like a parenting win with the 6yo because we’ve been discussing a young friend who is transitioning (tho I now realize that we haven’t discussed non-gender conforming and I wonder if her “it’s not appropriate to ask” could be considered offensive). But I also felt like an idiot because I had no idea how to appropriately respond to my 3yo. And, I’m sure my face showed it.

Can anyone share the right response and reaction? I want to get this right but feel like a dinosaur.

[Anonymous]

i say “it doesn’t matter.” because it doesn’t and eventually they will stop categorizing people.

[Anonymous]

I don’t know, and the important thing anyway is that we’re kind to everyone.

[Anonymous]

I would say I’m not sure and it doesn’t matter. What matters is that they are helping us buy our backpacks. Then try and divert. I would then discuss later the importance of not asking stuff like this in front of the person.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:i say “it doesn’t matter.” because it doesn’t and eventually they will stop categorizing people.

I don’t like this answer because it does matter to some people (including some LGBTQ+ people, I’m not just talking about gender essentialist).

What I tell my four year old is “some people are girls, some are boys, and some are just people. If you’re ever not sure and need to know, the best thing to ask is “what are your pronouns?” And then use whatever they give you because people get to choose for themselves.”

It’s not a super easy concept for a young child to get, but if you keep saying it, it sinks in. It’s been harder to explain race and racism, honestly. It’s one thing when your kid says “I don’t like boys because I’m a girl and I only want to hang out with girls.” That’s a developmentally appropriate statement (kids this age are very into sorting people and figuring out which categories they fit into). But when that becomes “I don’t want to play with that boy because he has dark skin and I have light skin, and I only want to play with people like me,” your brain kind of explodes.

But one thing I’ve learned is to keep reminding myself my kid has no context. For anything. It is my job to give her context. It’s important to explain things without judging them for what they are saying. I really work at teaching empathy— how would you feel if someone told you that you didn’t look like a girl? How would you feel if someone said they didn’t want to play with you because of what color your skin is? And then listen patiently to the answers and talk them out. And don’t expect to “fix” it in a day. If you really want them to learn this stuff and be tolerant people, you have to do it the hard way and teach them the underlying ideas. You can’t just say “it’s rude to talk about this” because then they stop asking questions and who knows what they come up with in their own without discussing it with you.

[Anonymous]

A couple thoughts I had from reading your post, from the perspective of someone who lives in a very gender nonconforming area and who has a trans son (so I’ve fielded similar questions and I’ve seen my son handle them).

Not to be picky, but it’s gender no conforming rather than non-gender conforming.

Second, coach your kids to try not to ask questions about personal appearances or bodies in public or at least not in front of the person. We did the squeeze-if they needed to tell me something but they weren’t sure it was appropriate, they’d squeeze my hand so I’d know they had a question when they were little. Usually I could tell what was coming and address it before they blurted something out, like when we saw a little person at the grocery after watching Snow White. But mostly it took a few embarrassing moments and gentle reminders and they got it.

Third, please don’t say it doesn’t matter or you don’t know someone’s gender in front of the person, but you can ask their pronouns if you need to. I think more appropriate would be a gentle reminder to your child that it’s not polite to discuss appearance or bodies like that. If the person in question hears, they can volunteer their gender if they want, and if they’re not within earshot you can answer a little more candidly.

Encourage your kids to use “they” to refer to someone if they don’t know whether to use “he” or “she”.

Sometimes my (adult) son wears earrings and paints his nails, and while he looks more boyish than feminine, he’s short and wearing earrings and nail polish. Sometimes I can see people wondering if he’s a feminine young man or a really butch woman with some feminine accessories. Sometimes people just go with “they” if they’re not sure and need a pronoun, and sometimes they’ll guess. If they’re use “she”, we just correct them nicely, but we don’t if they use “they”.

Chances are, if you really couldn’t tell their gender, it’s probably not the first time they’ve been in that spot. While I wouldn’t say people enjoy others not understanding their gender (based on my experience), it’s more important to the person to present their style/aesthetic than it is to present a binary gender option and conform to fashion and gender norms. My son and I have talked about it because I was worried he’d have hurt feelings if someone called him she because he wasn’t clearly presenting as male. He said he’s aware and as long as people aren’t intentionally rude, it’s not usually a big deal or hurtful. And when kids ask inappropriate questions, those aren’t usually a big deal, but how the parents respond can be worse than the initial question. Like when the parents act like it’s something shameful to talk about instead of just giving an answer. He said he remembered when he was little and kept pointing out a very tall man and how I acknowledged it but he wouldn’t stop until I finally took him aside and said he’s tall but he’s a person and did the how would you like it speech. But then I told him when we saw him again, he should be polite and say hi when we passed him,

[Anonymous]

Sorry, hit enter too soon. Anyway, the point was that I encouraged him to speak to the man in a polite way and he got to see that he was just a normal person. He said he wished parents would do something like that, encourage the kids to say hi instead of trying to shut them up and act like he’s a bad guy or someone scary they should avoid.

[Anonymous]

This is a question that is not new for a 3 year old. Just because everyone wants to do the right thing here doesn't mean a wrong thing took place.

In simple terms, your daughter apparently saw long hair on a man and never noticed before? Or, for whatever reason, her brain couldn't in the moment reconcile the category and asked.

She didn't know it was a rude question, and arguably, coming from a 3 year old, it isnt.

Overthinking every single moment around gender won't make you less of a dinosaur.

It sounds like you were just embarrassed by your kids question. Maybe that is more the problem here. Should you be? IMO no you shouldn't. She is 3.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:i say “it doesn’t matter.” because it doesn’t and eventually they will stop categorizing people.

This is the best answer so far, if you're right in front of the sales person. It's developmentally appropriate at that age for children to categorize, since it's the way they come to understand their world.

[Anonymous]

Instead of it doesn't matter, say I don't know and we don't really need to know that for this person to help us. We can ask them their name so we can talk to them. In the car I might talk about what made them not sure and then talk about how any person can have any hair, wear nail polish, wear a skirt.... We don't need to know if they are a boy a girl or no conforming or non binary or anything else.

Because while it does not matter for this interaction, calling the person appropriately in name and pronoun does matter

[Anonymous]

I just would say to my one child who said lots of f’d up things.

It’s not polite to talk about people or ask them personal questions.

She’s fat
That boy is wearing nail polish
Is that a boy or a girl

These are sadly things kids say.

You quietly say, “it’s not polite to ask strangers personal questions”

My son asked the checkout person, “do you make a lot of money”
I said, “joe that question is not polite, a better question would be, do you like your job?”
Joe “do you like my job”
The cashier laughed. “Yes I like my job” and “I ish I made more money”
Me “everybody wishes they made more money”
Cashier “sadly that’s true”

Personally I would have said “it’s not polite to ask people personal questions”
Then I would have said to the cashier, “sorry, still learning”

It’s horrifying at the time but remember you are horrified because you have a hood heart and don’t want to hurt anybody.

[Anonymous]

Oh this has reminded me of being 7 years old in Paris with my parents in a restaurant and I asked them "is the man at the next table a homosexual?" and they just said "yes"

I wish they'd told me to be quiet / mind my own business.

I still feel ashamed to this day.

[Anonymous]

“I don’t know but we should be kind to everyone since they are helping us”

[Anonymous]

When my daughter was three she constantly misused pronouns. She really didn't know when someone was a he or a she--including herself. I was cool with this. I think if I'd been a different kind of parent she'd probably have transitioned. She had no particular attachment to one gender or another.

When she was four, she saw her friend William pee. "What is that???" she came running out of the bathroom to ask me. I explained. She shrugged. Life went on. When she was five, her friend S saw her pee. "Where is her penis??" he screamed. We explained. Life went on. This is kind of how I think it should be.

If you are clutching pearls that our kids were all going into the bathroom together, I don't know what to say. They've all become happy teens who don't worry about gender.