Hiring family member for childcare

[Anonymous]

We hired my 19-year-old cousin to watch our kids over the summer and we want to extend the arrangement part-time into the fall because it looks like our schedules will mesh this semester.

My cousin attends the same university my wife works at and so she’s been watching our kids occasionally her freshman year and we hired her full time over the summer while our kids are out of school. We also have her staying with us until dorms reopen in about a week. It works out perfectly. She’s incredibly mature and great with our kids. She also is able to stay in town and avoid going back home for the summer which is definitely a win for her as well.

My only issue is her mother (my aunt). She has always been an absolutely impossible person to be around for more than an hour and it seems like even her own daughter can’t stand her.

They had a rocky relationship her entire childhood and it got worse once she became a teenager but I wasn’t aware of until I got closer to my younger cousin.

But my aunt will not stop contacting me asking about her daughter or calling my parents to have them call me and ask me about her daughter. I don’t get into their relationship but this woman is so unbelievably controlling she can’t handle not knowing what her 19-year-old is doing every second of the day. She has tracked her phone since she was 10 and had software installed that made it possible for her to read her texts and see what websites she visited. My cousin was able to purchase her own phone and plan back in May so now her mother is losing it because she can no longer invade her child’s privacy so she’s trying to use me as the spy and gets angry when I don’t oblige.

The arrangement we have works great for everyone and we’re all happy but I hate dealing with my aunt. I’ve told her numerous times I won’t play spy or meddle in their relationship but then she just goes and harassed my much older parents.

[Anonymous]

Posted to soon.

My question is, is their a way I can word this to my aunt that’s more polite than; “I need you to stop contacting me about your daughter. I’m about to block your number. You also need to stop contacting my parents about her as a) they don’t know b) they’re both older and in poor health and your constant calling is worrying them. Your relationship with your daughter isn’t my business. We’re thrilled to have her work for us but your meddling is making us second guess this decision. I’d hate for her to be punished for your actions. I promise you that won’t help your relationship at all.”

[Anonymous]

Can your parent who’s the sibling of the aunt talk to her and clue her in?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Can your parent who’s the sibling of the aunt talk to her and clue her in?

Neither of them are her sibling. My late uncle was her husband. My dads brother. My mother is the one most likely to talk to her but my mom is the most passive person on this planet. Plus their both in their late 60s.

[Anonymous]

I would not punish your cousin for her mom's actions. That's crazy and sad.

You need to gray rock this aunt. Do not answer the phone. Do not answer texts. Is she coming over in person?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I would not punish your cousin for her mom's actions. That's crazy and sad.

You need to gray rock this aunt. Do not answer the phone. Do not answer texts. Is she coming over in person?

No. She lives 800 miles and 4 states away thankfully. She has two kids at home that she’s always been way easier on. It’s such an odd dynamic.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I would not punish your cousin for her mom's actions. That's crazy and sad.

You need to gray rock this aunt. Do not answer the phone. Do not answer texts. Is she coming over in person?

No. She lives 800 miles and 4 states away thankfully. She has two kids at home that she’s always been way easier on. It’s such an odd dynamic.

That’s easy then. You don’t need to make any dramatic statements to her. Just ignore the barrage of communications and tell your mother not to involve you if the aunt asks her.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Posted to soon.

My question is, is their a way I can word this to my aunt that’s more polite than; “I need you to stop contacting me about your daughter. I’m about to block your number. You also need to stop contacting my parents about her as a) they don’t know b) they’re both older and in poor health and your constant calling is worrying them. Your relationship with your daughter isn’t my business. We’re thrilled to have her work for us but your meddling is making us second guess this decision. I’d hate for her to be punished for your actions. I promise you that won’t help your relationship at all.”

I think what you have is fine, except I would end it at the bolded. There's no polite way to word it, and you have to be blunt. Give her the warning and then follow through with blocking. Also show your parents how to block her. She sounds toxic.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Posted to soon.

My question is, is their a way I can word this to my aunt that’s more polite than; “I need you to stop contacting me about your daughter. I’m about to block your number. You also need to stop contacting my parents about her as a) they don’t know b) they’re both older and in poor health and your constant calling is worrying them. Your relationship with your daughter isn’t my business. We’re thrilled to have her work for us but your meddling is making us second guess this decision. I’d hate for her to be punished for your actions. I promise you that won’t help your relationship at all.”

I think what you have is fine, except I would end it at the bolded. There's no polite way to word it, and you have to be blunt. Give her the warning and then follow through with blocking. Also show your parents how to block her. She sounds toxic.

+1 I'd be blunt once but take out the part about second guessing the decision to employ your niece, she sounds awesome. And then do not engage with her at all.

[Anonymous]

If you don’t want to say something outright, here’s what I would do:

1. Ignore all calls.

2. If she texts, wait several hours to respond, or even wait until the next day.

3. If she asks about her daughter, just text back “I’m not sure, you’ll have to ask her”. Or if it’s something really intrusive, like asking what she did Saturday night, just reply “I’m not sure”.

Repeat. Repeat. Repeat.

Which you may have to do anyway, since people like her don’t respect boundaries. You can yell until you’re blue in the face and they still will walk all over you.