How to handle family member who is always badmouthing kids (and their parents)

[Anonymous]

I don’t want to overstate the problem, as it’s taken me decades to fully grasp it and come to a breaking point— so it’s (obviously?) not that extreme.

My SIL, with whom I was closer in my early 20s, is IMO a compulsive judger of people, but very particularly of children (and their inferior parents). This is DH’s brother’s wife.

I’ve always noticed it, but I think when I was younger and spending more time with her (and was not yet a parent myself), I took her assessments at face value. But I avoid hard judgment almost to a fault, perhaps giving some “irredeemable” people too many chances with me. And kids? I’m even less inclined to conclude anything about them.

Since we moved away from SIL and family 15 years ago, we see them less, and with that distance, it’s become starker and starker how negative she generally is, and how much she feels compelled to basically badmouth other people, but very VERY especially kids. The last time we were together for a couple of weeks, I was really put off by it when she did it— in this case, largely about her students— she’s a teacher!— and her kids’ classmates. I told myself, well, when my kid gets older, maybe I will also viscerally hate anyone who is mean to my kid! It hasn’t happened yet— my kid was 3 then and 8 now— but sure, I could see at least feeling strongly about a really nasty bully. But then… I’d recall all kinds of things she’s said about even her own nieces and nephews.

Then she just visited us, and literally spent the first 45 minutes talking smack about her nieces and their parents (her brother/SIL). It’s not subtle because she is very clearly disapproving in strong terms, but it’s true you can also tell she loves her nieces and nephews. SOME of it is said in an affectionate or lighthearted manner, but there’s only so much I can take after a while. When you’re calling them monsters and saying you’d spank their little bottoms, and really clearly sitting in superior judgement of their parents’ parenting, calling it out and giving many examples, photos, videos… For an extended period of time! The part that started to tick me off the most was that it was more of a conversation with her own kids (now very young adults)— and one they’ve clearly had many times. But it was performed to the rest of us-- we were clearly the audience. Whether conscious or not, it was like she was serving us with a warning that she is clearly going to (and already has) talk/ed sh!t about our kid and our parenting.

What do you even do with that?!

Most of us feel self-conscious if our kid acts out around other people— especially judgmental people. So that makes me want to avoid her even more. And this is so freaking blatant, albeit in a passive-aggressive way. Not to mention the raised eyebrows I get over this and that… she’s obviously watched us like a hawk ever since she met my kid as a newborn and her eyes popped at the kid’s lack of socks and she (also passive-aggressively) tried to show me how to hold my kid “correctly.”

I was quite close to saying, “Wow, I’m so sorry you have to witness your brother’s clearly inferior parenting. That must be so difficult. For you.” Or, “Wow, that sounds really bad. Have you called CPS yet?” (They gave a preschooler juice in an open cup, they didn’t immediately punish a 2-year-old for being defiant, they let a kid sass them.)

I’m just not sure what to do going forward, but I’ve had enough. I just have. I were more confrontational per above, it’s about 50/50 whether she’d feel chastised or snap back at me and start an airing of grievances. I could ignore her, but I also don’t want my kid to be subjected to all that, either.

Ideally, I would find a way to get her to stop completely. If I could cut her off, which I can’t, I almost would— because I don’t need the stress of her constant judgment. (But I’m having other issues with her and feeling reactive right now.) The most important thing to me is not to subject my kid to this stuff, and secondly, not to listen to it or participate in any way. Can I just walk out next time SIL gets into a whole rant? Get my kid’s attention and do something else with her in another room? Even if I’m polite and smile and act like it’s unrelated, SIL will pick up on it and I’d guess feel a bit ashamed (ultimately she does all of this because she’s extremely insecure) and also kind of ticked off at me, but oh well.

I don’t think I can be super direct and say, “SIL, we don’t speak negatively in this house about blah blah” or whatever.

The thing is, I’m not exactly Miss Mary Sunshine. I come from a culture famous for complaining, even! I’m pretty flexible and forgiving… But I can’t deal with this anymore. It’s been more than 25 years!

Anyone else been through this, and what did you do?

[Anonymous]

You need to be clear with her that you don’t want to hear it. And it will mean distancing, too, because it will be hard to break a lifelong habit.

[Anonymous]

“Wow Larla! Can anyone do anything right in your eyes?”

“Sounds like you have a lot opinions about how people raise their kids. It’s your lucky weekend that you’re here. We’ll certainly give you plenty to discuss with how we’re raising Pierpont.”

“So anyway, has anyone seen ‘Black Widow? I heard it was great.”

“So you didn’t like how the kids were behaving. Okay. Did anyone hear if it was going to rain later?”

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:“Wow Larla! Can anyone do anything right in your eyes?”

“Sounds like you have a lot opinions about how people raise their kids. It’s your lucky weekend that you’re here. We’ll certainly give you plenty to discuss with how we’re raising Pierpont.”

“So anyway, has anyone seen ‘Black Widow? I heard it was great.”

“So you didn’t like how the kids were behaving. Okay. Did anyone hear if it was going to rain later?”

Some variation of these last two could work, thanks PP.

I realize I could be super blunt, but one thing about my SIL is she's not completely oblivious, and she gives passive-aggression-- but also picks up on it. Being blunt may be both less effective and unnecessary.

I wish things weren't like this-- she really does have many wonderful qualities and can be very funny and giving. But she is deeply insecure and raised by a mother (also a lovely woman in many ways) who does the same thing and did the same thing to SIL's face about herself when she was a kid. So it's pretty deep.

[Anonymous]

One micro-interaction that was interesting-- SIL was talking about one of the kids, something to do with a diaper change, and something sassy the kid said or did. And one of the few times I engaged, I asked how old the kid was (to picture the "sassy" interaction-- 1 year old is different from 5!) and she and her kids briefly got a deer-in-headlights look and looked down and said the kid was 3.5, but she was almost potty trained and mumble mumble.

I wasn't judging the lack of potty training! They know my kid was very young when she was PT, so maybe they felt insecure about it and thought I was judging, but I wasn't asking in reference to that at all.

But I did think that made them realize how much badmouthing they were doing and that they were actually making their family "look bad" (in their opinion re: the potty training). I think it was shortly after that when they finally changed the subject. So I do think subtly making SIL notice what she is doing might be enough to cut it off in the moment.