Teens/Tweens Calling DD B*tch

[Anonymous]

At our local community park where DD (14) goes often by herself to play basketball with her sister, there was some altercation with a group of boys who ended up calling her that name. Nothing else happened but DD was visibility upset. I wasn’t nearby it happened, and we couldn’t quite tell which group of boys it was afterwards, but DH did t want me to go yell at them for calling DD names as he is worried that would escalate a bullying situation — he feels DD is has stand up to them and that involving the parents with teens for name calling would make it worse. The boys parents were not there.

To be clear, he doesn’t think it’s a moral exercise where DD has to be strong enough, it’s more he believes us swooping in and yelling means next time they interact with this crowd at the park it would be worse and we wouldn’t likely be there.

I wanted to ream into them and DD just wanted to leave. So?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:At our local community park where DD (14) goes often by herself to play basketball with her sister, there was some altercation with a group of boys who ended up calling her that name. Nothing else happened but DD was visibility upset. I wasn’t nearby it happened, and we couldn’t quite tell which group of boys it was afterwards, but DH did t want me to go yell at them for calling DD names as he is worried that would escalate a bullying situation — he feels DD is has stand up to them and that involving the parents with teens for name calling would make it worse. The boys parents were not there.

To be clear, he doesn’t think it’s a moral exercise where DD has to be strong enough, it’s more he believes us swooping in and yelling means next time they interact with this crowd at the park it would be worse and we wouldn’t likely be there.

I wanted to ream into them and DD just wanted to leave. So?

You really have to find out what happened before you go off.

[Anonymous]

Yep let it be for now and follow your DD's lead. Name calling at that age doesn't call for parental involvement. Girls that age have a way of dealing with it within their social circle.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:At our local community park where DD (14) goes often by herself to play basketball with her sister, there was some altercation with a group of boys who ended up calling her that name. Nothing else happened but DD was visibility upset. I wasn’t nearby it happened, and we couldn’t quite tell which group of boys it was afterwards, but DH did t want me to go yell at them for calling DD names as he is worried that would escalate a bullying situation — he feels DD is has stand up to them and that involving the parents with teens for name calling would make it worse. The boys parents were not there.

To be clear, he doesn’t think it’s a moral exercise where DD has to be strong enough, it’s more he believes us swooping in and yelling means next time they interact with this crowd at the park it would be worse and we wouldn’t likely be there.

I wanted to ream into them and DD just wanted to leave. So?

You need to give more information about the altercation. Did your daughter start the altercation by refusing to share the basketball court? The boys shouldn't be calling names but the name calling does indicate a certain level of frustration being released in an immature way. If your daughter refused to share the basketball court then you need to reprimand her, not the boys. It is a public court meant to be shared by all.

[Anonymous]

OP that stinks. But I agree with your DH. I would teach DD to just walk away.

[Anonymous]

You definitely do not intervene at that age, particularly after the fact.

What are going to do, track them down and say what exactly? And what effect do you think that would have? What is the outcome you are looking for?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:You definitely do not intervene at that age, particularly after the fact.

What are going to do, track them down and say what exactly? And what effect do you think that would have? What is the outcome you are looking for?

I just wanted to make sure our DD knew we had her back. Yeah I’m not changing the boys unless I can track down their parents (and probably apple tree situation anyway)

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:You definitely do not intervene at that age, particularly after the fact.

What are going to do, track them down and say what exactly? And what effect do you think that would have? What is the outcome you are looking for?

I just wanted to make sure our DD knew we had her back. Yeah I’m not changing the boys unless I can track down their parents (and probably apple tree situation anyway)

You need to have her back the way she wants you to have her back. Otherwise it isn’t actually having her back.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:You definitely do not intervene at that age, particularly after the fact.

What are going to do, track them down and say what exactly? And what effect do you think that would have? What is the outcome you are looking for?

I just wanted to make sure our DD knew we had her back. Yeah I’m not changing the boys unless I can track down their parents (and probably apple tree situation anyway)

Would you have her back even if you knew she did something really unfair and that is what provoked the boys? Last year, I intervened when a female student reported two male students called her a b word in the breakout room. It turns out she kept deleting their work from a shared document. They were wrong, but so was she. All three got a consequence. She and her mom hate me now.

[Anonymous]

OP, you have no way of knowing if it's an apple/tree situation. Kids that age experiment with language and it's rarely in a way that we want them to but it is a fairly normal developmental stage.

I recall a certain span of time in my early teen years when I used really foul language. It was a phase, I got over it, and I almost never use any curse words as an adult.

As a mom of boys (who don't curse that I know of but who knows), would I want to know if one of my boys called a girl the b word? Probably, yes. I wouldn't want the girl's mom to come at me though because that would be ridiculous. She would have to provide a fairly neutral relaying of facts. I would talk to my boys generally about language, in a way so that it wouldn't fly back at the girl in question.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP, you have no way of knowing if it's an apple/tree situation. Kids that age experiment with language and it's rarely in a way that we want them to but it is a fairly normal developmental stage.

I recall a certain span of time in my early teen years when I used really foul language. It was a phase, I got over it, and I almost never use any curse words as an adult.

As a mom of boys (who don't curse that I know of but who knows), would I want to know if one of my boys called a girl the b word? Probably, yes. I wouldn't want the girl's mom to come at me though because that would be ridiculous. She would have to provide a fairly neutral relaying of facts. I would talk to my boys generally about language, in a way so that it wouldn't fly back at the girl in question.

My 15 year old girl curses a lot more than my 15 year old boy. She agrees with this assessment. DH and I rarely curse. If someone told me that my son called a girl a pejorative like that, I would want to know, but I’d want confirmation and details from my son before anything else happened. If they told me my daughter did it, I’d be pretty sure it was true. She is otherwise a lovely person.

[Anonymous]

She needs to know how to respond.

I’d say.

That’s right I’m a b and you’re a wuss glad we cleared that up.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP that stinks. But I agree with your DH. I would teach DD to just walk away.

Yeah, there isn’t really anything to do other than to teach her to no engage and leave

[Anonymous]

I hate to break it to you OP but being called the B word is being insulted not "a bullying situation"

really.

[Anonymous]

At that age you have her back by helping her learn how to handle the situation on her own.

You finding the boys are doing anything like that will DEFINITELY make it worse for her.

Lots of shitty things are going to happen to her with men and quite frankly, getting a called a B is minor in terms of what's probably coming. Time to start those conversations if you haven't already.