Extended family pressure - only sandwich kid on the continent

[Anonymous]

Covid was a revelation to me. But I have cousins my age who have all, and I do mean all, moved to different countries with their own kids.

So their parents are calling me - for favors like mowing their lawn, for check-ins, for grocery help, for prescription pick-ups, for everything. I've recently just started telling them I won't be available now that Covid is over.

But whose responsibility do you think it is to check-in on all of these elderly relatives when their own children have essentially abandoned them?

[Anonymous]

It was enough caring for my own parents. so all these other demands would seriously stress me the eff out.

A lot of these tasks can be outsourced. I'd reach out to my cousins and say, hey, can you set up a lawn service plan for your folks? or, cousin Mary, could you set your mom up for prescription delivery?

Good for you to draw your boundaries.

[Anonymous]

Why did they move away? Work? Education? The desire to be in another country?

Is the move permanent or temporary?

Abandoning sounds melodramatic. Ou need to tell us the context of your story.

[Anonymous]

Are you related to the lady who posted complaining her extended family didn’t help her out with elder care for her dad while she was abroad?

[Anonymous]

your obligation is first, to your children, then, to your husband, then, to your parents, and then, to your siblings. other relatives - as the time permits.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Are you related to the lady who posted complaining her extended family didn’t help her out with elder care for her dad while she was abroad?

No.

[Anonymous]

If you care about these elderly relatives (which hopefully you do), I would call the cousins abroad and note that you would love to help occasionally but are busy with work/home/family and suggest a nice lawn care and grocery delivery (Instacart?) services. I’m abroad and happily throw money at this issue for my older parents and if you were my cousin, I would save my favors for the most desperate of situations that can’t be hired out.

[Anonymous]

Are they paying you? I have a cousin in my hometown who probably does favors for my parents say four to six times a month (pick up the mail, take their car to get checked, etc), but I venmo him money at a rate of around thirty per hour.

[Anonymous]

OP, can you give us some more information?

What is the reason your cousins moved overseas? What were their circumstances? Did they not coordinate any care at all for their parents? They could organize some help from afar.

How old are your cousins' parents? Are they ill?

Did they ask you to do things for them from the start, when their children moved away, or did you start volunteering?

How long has this been going on?

[Anonymous]

Mowing the lawn and picking up prescriptions can all be done by other people for money. Perhaps you could call the cousins and tell them they need to hire people to help.

Then ask them to do weekly or more often phone check ins, and only call,you when something seems wrong.

[Anonymous]

I'm horrified that you are the only one local and you want to abandon them too. Help out as you can, ask their children to help support financially if you need it, or just pay for it to get done. They're your family for God's sake.

Your children are watching, they see how you treat others, including relatives.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I'm horrified that you are the only one local and you want to abandon them too. Help out as you can, ask their children to help support financially if you need it, or just pay for it to get done. They're your family for God's sake.

Your children are watching, they see how you treat others, including relatives.

Sorry, but if they've never actually helped the OP with anything..why should OP be at their beck and call?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I'm horrified that you are the only one local and you want to abandon them too. Help out as you can, ask their children to help support financially if you need it, or just pay for it to get done. They're your family for God's sake.

Your children are watching, they see how you treat others, including relatives.

Completely 100% disagree. People are responsible only for parents, grandparents and older relatives who significantly contributed to their upbringing. Anyone outside this scope who has direct descendants can be provided emergency support- until their own kids arrive.

Op, start saying no. Be firm and do not waiver. You are not hospice or elder care services. You have your own immediate family to raise and support

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I'm horrified that you are the only one local and you want to abandon them too. Help out as you can, ask their children to help support financially if you need it, or just pay for it to get done. They're your family for God's sake.

Your children are watching, they see how you treat others, including relatives.

Completely 100% disagree. People are responsible only for parents, grandparents and older relatives who significantly contributed to their upbringing. Anyone outside this scope who has direct descendants can be provided emergency support- until their own kids arrive.

Op, start saying no. Be firm and do not waiver. You are not hospice or elder care services. You have your own immediate family to raise and support

Also, lawns are a privilege not a right. Maybe these people need to move.

Prescriptions are more important but maybe they can set up automatic delivery.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I'm horrified that you are the only one local and you want to abandon them too. Help out as you can, ask their children to help support financially if you need it, or just pay for it to get done. They're your family for God's sake.

Your children are watching, they see how you treat others, including relatives.

Have you taken care of numerous elderly relatives who expect you at their beck and call? All at once?

It's hard enough caring for just one's own parents and children. To add in all these other demands? No. It would suck your soul dry.

You're either foolish or a martyr.