What to say to someone whose spouse has died

[Anonymous]

I have a distant relative who lives far away that I see very infrequently but they have been important to me with career advice and we text/email 3 or 4 times a year.

Their spouse died a few months ago. I never met the spouse. I sent a card and left a message right after but tonight I have a call planned with them and I'm nervous about what to say. Do you have any advice on how to talk to someone who has lost someone recently? I feel awkward because I can't say ' your spouse was so great' because I didn't know them...

I'm so awkward on the phone and tend to babble and I'm just trying to come up with a plan.

[Anonymous]

You don't talk about the spouse, unless led into that conversation by your friend. Instead, you focus on this person and how s/he is coping since this sad event.

Acknowledge that this must be an incredibly difficult time for them, and you are so sorry for their loss. Beyond that, let them take the lead on how much they want to discuss it.

[Anonymous]

"I was so sorry to hear about Rob; I wish I'd gotten to know him. I can't imagine how you're feeling. How are you doing these days?"

And then just ... LISTEN. Suss out whether she wants to talk about him or be distracted from grief with bs news about your summer. Be prepared for it to switch

[Anonymous]

What YOU say? You don't need to be worried about you. Listen. Maybe share a memory. But mostly listen.

[Anonymous]

Say how sorry you are for their loss/ask how they are coping/say you’ve been thinking of them/praying for them. Common pitfalls to avoid-not bringing it up for fear of upsetting them, telling them it happened for a reason/focusing on losses you’ve had.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:What YOU say? You don't need to be worried about you. Listen. Maybe share a memory. But mostly listen.

Oh brother. Are you new here? Do you realize how many threads there are about people not acknowledging someone’s loss. Then there are bunch of threads on people saying the wrong/insensitive thing. OP is asking for guidance on how to acknowledge the loss.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:You don't talk about the spouse, unless led into that conversation by your friend. Instead, you focus on this person and how s/he is coping since this sad event.

Acknowledge that this must be an incredibly difficult time for them, and you are so sorry for their loss. Beyond that, let them take the lead on how much they want to discuss it.

Disagree. You can't just ignore it.

[Anonymous]

You can say you've been thinking about them, how sorry you are for their loss and that you know it must still be so hard for them - then listen and let them talk as much or little about it as they want.

I am awkward in these situations too, but just be genuine and it's even ok to say "I don't know what to say" or "there are no words."

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:"I was so sorry to hear about Rob; I wish I'd gotten to know him. I can't imagine how you're feeling. How are you doing these days?"

And then just ... LISTEN. Suss out whether she wants to talk about him or be distracted from grief with bs news about your summer. Be prepared for it to switch

Best advice.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:You don't talk about the spouse, unless led into that conversation by your friend. Instead, you focus on this person and how s/he is coping since this sad event.

Acknowledge that this must be an incredibly difficult time for them, and you are so sorry for their loss. Beyond that, let them take the lead on how much they want to discuss it.

Disagree. You can't just ignore it.

No, no, PP isn't saying ignore the death and the loss, PP is saying don't talk about the deceased spouse. OP was specifically worried about what to say given that he/she didn't personally know the deceased spouse. PP is saying instead, correctly, to focus on their relative and how he is doing.

[Anonymous]

Thank you everyone. This is really helpful.

[Anonymous]

A dear friend's DH committed suicide not to long ago. I, like you, did not know what to say. In talking to her, I learned that she just needed someone to be there to listen to her, to understand her pain, to tell her that it was ok to hurt, and help her keep focused on the kids. She had great counseling options but having friends who check in for just no reason to say "Hey, I"m thinking about you. I love you. How are you today" or "I know today sucks. It's ok to cry. We'll work on making tomorrow better" is really clutch. Also, the check ins, calls, and care will need to happen for years to come. Helping hands come in very heavy in the beginning but seem to wane after a few months, but the pain is there for years.

She doesn't expect you to know what to say so let her know that you're thinking about her.

Keeping your cousin in my thoughts.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:"I was so sorry to hear about Rob; I wish I'd gotten to know him. I can't imagine how you're feeling. How are you doing these days?"

And then just ... LISTEN. Suss out whether she wants to talk about him or be distracted from grief with bs news about your summer. Be prepared for it to switch

Best advice.

Yes, this is good.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:"I was so sorry to hear about Rob; I wish I'd gotten to know him. I can't imagine how you're feeling. How are you doing these days?"

And then just ... LISTEN. Suss out whether she wants to talk about him or be distracted from grief with bs news about your summer. Be prepared for it to switch

Best advice.

If you've ever had any grief counseling the first message is to not NOT talk about the deceased. Bring them up by name, acknowledge they existed. Simply say "I'm so sorry. Tell me about Bob.". Did this recently with a friend whose brother had recently died from suicide. I never met the man, so I simply said "Tell me about Bob". She got a smile on her face and proceeded to talk forever. I just listened (great advice) but never be afraid to call the deceased person by name.