The pressure to smile

[Anonymous]

I have always been told that Americans smile a lot and demand that others smile. Happy or not.
A while ago, I lost a child and showed up to work soon after. I was very professional, but not smiling. The clients that I worked with knew nothing about my circumstances. However, I was given a hard time by someone for not smiling enough.
Is there anyway that people could stop asking others to smile? Is it not enough that they are professional and courteous? To me that comment, "smile!" is sooo intrusive.

[Anonymous]

I am very sorry for your loss.

[Anonymous]

I'm also very sorry to hear about your loss.

I hope you are getting therapy to work through your emotions at this time. It sounds like you might have a lot bottled up.

[maynie]

This irritates me also. You never know what people are going through in their lives. Then I just tell myself they're just trying to be friendly and try not to let it bother me too much. I must just look angry all the time because people are always telling me to smile. How I respond depends on my mood. Usually I'm in a great mood, but I'm not going to walk down the street smiling to myself.

[Anonymous]

I am very sorry for your loss as well and I want to give you another perspective.

You did not say what you do for work, but since you mentioned having clients, I am assuming that you are in some sort of service/advisory profession. The "pressure" to smile in these professions is actually part of of the job. When you appear happy and carefree clients and employers will take comfort in the fact that they do not have to worry about what is going on with you and that you will focus on the task at hand (in reality they are kidding themselves). If something is wrong, as in your case, it is a tough thing to handle, but you either have to fake it (as hard as it may be) or let it be known that something is wrong. The latter has it own pitfalls.

[Anonymous]

I am also so sorry for your loss.

Yes, unfortunately American "culture" puts pressure on people to keep up appearances. While I try to keep up such appearances in professional circumstances, though it can be tough (and I admist that I have never experienced such an unbelievable tragedy), I really don't feel like I should have to while at the bank or paying for my groceries. Some days, when I get such comments, I just want to scream F#%&* You and ask them how much they smile when X happens to them. But, I usually just give a very fake smile and walk away, though once or twice I have actually told them to mind their own business and to just do their job...of course you cannot do that in a professional situation. I do understand that these people are just trying to be friendly, but I also find it beyond what is appropriate - just give me good service and leave my emotions to me!

[Anonymous]

Okay, sorry for you loss, can not imagine it. But I don't think it is an American thing to want people to smile. It is more a human thing. I could be wrong but I have lived in lots of countries and visited even more and pretty much everyone smiles and ask what the problem is if you do not smile back especially in a service industry where you are dealing with people. It is natural. Maybe you could be moved at your work to be a lone for a while. I am sure you are depressed and it would be so hard to deal with the request to smile when you feel like crying.

[Anonymous]

Outside of the tourism/entertainment industry, a smile should not have to be part of service, just polite bahavior.
I have heard Europeans say that Americans smile so much, it seems fake.

[Anonymous]

I'm an immigrant. I'd say Americans do have a tendency to appear happier then other people. Happier, more open, more willing to chit-chat, at times too comfortable asking personal questions and also, they are nicer and generally kinder then other people I've encountered (including my own country where we brag about our own hospitality).

Generally I like it better this way. But at times you do not feel like chit-chatting, or telling Nth stranger some personal things about you. It is quite bothersome sometimes. And some people do use a smile like some kind of mask.

To OP, I'm so sorry for your loss. Tell your boss (or whoever it is that is complaining about you not smiling), that you'd rather not have a fake smile, which is bigger turn off, then a neutral face.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Outside of the tourism/entertainment industry, a smile should not have to be part of service, just polite bahavior.
I have heard Europeans say that Americans smile so much, it seems fake.

So glad to be a smiling American. Maybe that is why so many people want in, we are smiiling friendly people.

[Anonymous]

maybe i'm in the minority, as i appear to be the minority in many forum topics here go figure! but it actually does have a cheering effect on me when someone tries to get me to smile. maybe it depends on HOW it is said more than what is actually said, but i sometimes get random strangers cheerfully saying things like why aren't you smiling today and just their cheery well intentioned tone gets me smiling.

i don't understand why someone's cheeriness would put you in a more foul mood if they really had the best of intentions.

[Anonymous]

Everyone at sometimes will mourn, at that time, they don't want to smile, just exist...it's ok.

[Anonymous]

Maybe Americans should be more like Europeans and walk around looking like they do not have lips they are so tight, Maybe that would fix the immigration problem. Worth a try, nothing else is working.

[Anonymous]

To the 12:47 poster, I have also lived in or travelled to some 20+ countries. Yes, people all over the world are friendly - they may smile at you, they may welcome you to their country/homes, they may ask visitors about their home country and appear genuinely interested, but I have yet to have somebody in any of these countries to tell me how to feel (after all, a smile is the reflection of your emotions, at least if it is not fake) and they do not ask intrusive questions of strangers or acquaintances. While there is definitely a positive side to the American culture - where you can have random chats with strangers in the supermarket or at a coffeeshop with no expectations (something that I sometimes miss when I am overseas) - it can be hard for those that cannot, at least temporarily, live up to expectations regarding social interaction in situations that do not necessarily require more than politeness.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I have always been told that Americans smile a lot and demand that others smile. Happy or not.
A while ago, I lost a child and showed up to work soon after. I was very professional, but not smiling. The clients that I worked with knew nothing about my circumstances. However, I was given a hard time by someone for not smiling enough.
Is there anyway that people could stop asking others to smile? Is it not enough that they are professional and courteous? To me that comment, "smile!" is sooo intrusive.

I'm sorry. Your post made ME teary, and I don't even know you. Hang in there. I really don't think that polite people walk around saying, "smile!" By posting here and telling your story, you're reminding all of us not to ever tell another person how they should look or feel.