Sister's husband is awful to her and everyone else

[Anonymous]

I am super close with my sister. Forever I have ignored my brother-in-law's terrible behavior toward other family members, like my parents, and basically everyone he encounters. He's just a rude, dysfunctional person. Now he has turned on me and my husband, treating us like crap, not talking to us, making my sister nervous to visit with us. My sister's kids are greatly affected by their father's behavior - because he treats my sister so crappy, basically the kids do too and they are emotional wrecks. I have just been ignoring all this going on for past few months and continuing my relationship with my sister. Trying to just provide her as much support as possible. But now I am just frustrated with her situation and would like her to stand up for herself. I assume it's a lost cause so I am not inclined to say anything, but I am super sad to see our relationship fade away. I just can't put any more time into pretending everything is alright. Would you say anything to her? Or just let it play out for them and spend less time with her on the phone? I rarely see her because he doesn't like us now. My own teenagers are super upset about it because they are old enough to tell my sister doesn't come around anymore and we don't go over there. Any suggestions for how to address it with my own teens?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I am super close with my sister. Forever I have ignored my brother-in-law's terrible behavior toward other family members, like my parents, and basically everyone he encounters. He's just a rude, dysfunctional person. Now he has turned on me and my husband, treating us like crap, not talking to us, making my sister nervous to visit with us. My sister's kids are greatly affected by their father's behavior - because he treats my sister so crappy, basically the kids do too and they are emotional wrecks. I have just been ignoring all this going on for past few months and continuing my relationship with my sister. Trying to just provide her as much support as possible. But now I am just frustrated with her situation and would like her to stand up for herself. I assume it's a lost cause so I am not inclined to say anything, but I am super sad to see our relationship fade away. I just can't put any more time into pretending everything is alright. Would you say anything to her? Or just let it play out for them and spend less time with her on the phone? I rarely see her because he doesn't like us now. My own teenagers are super upset about it because they are old enough to tell my sister doesn't come around anymore and we don't go over there. Any suggestions for how to address it with my own teens?

Why do you to fade your sister just bc you dislike her spouse? That seems very self-centered.

[Anonymous]

Is he abusing her? Emotionally? Physically? Isolation is a very common tactic by abusers.

Here are some tips to start a conversation: https://www.thehotline.org/support-others/

[Anonymous]

It sounds like he is abusive (do some reading on domestic abuse - emotional abuse is incredibly harmful) to her, and she probably feels like she can't leave.

You can best support her by telling her that if she does leave she has a place to stay.

[Anonymous]

Isolation is a tactic abusers use so their victims think they have nowhere to go.

Make it clear, with words and deeds, that she can always come to you.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Isolation is a tactic abusers use so their victims think they have nowhere to go.

Make it clear, with words and deeds, that she can always come to you.

Yes.

The thing is, she may not be able to get out right now. But one day she may be able to.

I had a friend in an abusive relationship. I read the book "Helping her Get Free" because I was struggling with it. The main premise was that you can not help someone leave who does not want to leave.

[Anonymous]

I would tell her, "I love you, and your husband is at minimum, verbally and emotionally abusive - to you, your kids, our parents, me and my husband. If you want to leave, I will help you. If you don't want to leave now but do want to leave 2 months, a year, 3 years from now, I will help you. You can always come to me. But I will not subject myself to his verbal abuse anymore. I would like us to continue to have our relationship. You are my sister and I love you."

And then don't bring it up again. Keep inviting her (alone or with her kids but not with the husband) to things - lunches, shopping, nails, whatever. When her kids are obnoxious or verbally abusive you can say "Hey! You can't talk to my sister like that! I wouldn't let someone talk to you that way and I won't let you talk to her that way."

[Anonymous]

NP here. I definitely see less of my sister (2 hours away) because her husband is a giant a-hole. I don't necessarily think he is abusive, just a complete jerk. Its sad because I love my sister and her kids, but he just makes visiting no fun. My sister laughs off his a-holeness like she thinks its funny. I definitely cannot tell her DH and I do not like him - she woud get really mad.

[Anonymous]

Stop using the word super. It makes you sound immature and uneducated.

Your teens are old enough for an honest explanation. Stay out of your sisters marriage and yes, you need to back away from that relationship. Find some friends outside of your family.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Stop using the word super. It makes you sound immature and uneducated.

Your teens are old enough for an honest explanation. Stay out of your sisters marriage and yes, you need to back away from that relationship. Find some friends outside of your family.

That's terrible advice. Good grief. The sister is likely in an abusive or escalating toward abusive marriage and backing away is exactly what an abusive husband wants.

OP, listen to the PPs who suggest you ensure your sister knows you will be there for her when/if she ever decides to leave, without judgement. It is critical that she knows this.

You should read up on domestic violence or call a hotline to familiarize yourself with red flags to watch for and suggestions for ways to support your sister and manage your relationship with her and her family. Good luck.

[Anonymous]

Give her the web address of the National Domestic Violence Hotline which is thehotline.org and tell her they have useful information on relationships on their website which she can read. She can also choose to chat with a counselor online or call them 24/7.

https://www.thehotline.org/identify-abuse/domestic-abuse-warning-signs/

[Anonymous]

She needs to get the strength and courage to divorce this abuser. Have her talk to a couple lawyers and find a therapist specializing in domestic abuse, narcissistic and mental disorders. Your sisters husband sounds very toxic.

[Anonymous]

Everyone should stop pathologizing already.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Isolation is a tactic abusers use so their victims think they have nowhere to go.

Make it clear, with words and deeds, that she can always come to you.

Yes.

The thing is, she may not be able to get out right now. But one day she may be able to.

I had a friend in an abusive relationship. I read the book "Helping her Get Free" because I was struggling with it. The main premise was that you can not help someone leave who does not want to leave.

As someone who left, this is absolute BS. I was helped to leave and it made a huge difference.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I would tell her, "I love you, and your husband is at minimum, verbally and emotionally abusive - to you, your kids, our parents, me and my husband. If you want to leave, I will help you. If you don't want to leave now but do want to leave 2 months, a year, 3 years from now, I will help you. You can always come to me. But I will not subject myself to his verbal abuse anymore. I would like us to continue to have our relationship. You are my sister and I love you."

And then don't bring it up again. Keep inviting her (alone or with her kids but not with the husband) to things - lunches, shopping, nails, whatever. When her kids are obnoxious or verbally abusive you can say "Hey! You can't talk to my sister like that! I wouldn't let someone talk to you that way and I won't let you talk to her that way."

This.