How to deal with crazy mom

[Anonymous]

My mom is extremely negative. When we're around each other she always goes on and on about how I need to change this or that...I'm not mothering properly etc. I've learned to just let it not bother me. Things came to a head recently when she started yelling and cursing at me in front of my kid on Facetime and saying I'm a lazy mom. I immediately had to hang up. My kid who is 5 was very disturbed and upset that I hung up. How would you handle this situation?

[Anonymous]

Your 5 year old is disturbed you hung up? Why? Your kid is old enough to learn that if someone is saying or doing something mean to them, the best thing to do is remove themselves from the situation. Say Grandma hurt your feelings because of what she said, so it is best to stop talking to Grandma until you guys can have a better conversation.

[Anonymous]

Grandma was upset but wasn’t sharing it in a respectful way. It wasn’t nice fir mommy to hang up but it is okay to walk away if someone is not being very kind.

Hey, would you like to draw a picture to send to grandma that we can stamp and mail? I’ll bet she will be so happy to see your beautiful art.


I’d say nothing else to the child.

I’d have quite the text/email for mom.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Grandma was upset but wasn’t sharing it in a respectful way. It wasn’t nice fir mommy to hang up but it is okay to walk away if someone is not being very kind.

Hey, would you like to draw a picture to send to grandma that we can stamp and mail? I’ll bet she will be so happy to see your beautiful art.


I’d say nothing else to the child.

I’d have quite the text/email for mom.

What would you text or email mom saying?

[Anonymous]

Your kid was upset you hung up? Um, then you need to break down what was going on, and explain to your kid that you guys do not allow people to scream at you. Just like she gets sent to her room when she screams because that's not allowed Grandma is also not allowed to scream.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Grandma was upset but wasn’t sharing it in a respectful way. It wasn’t nice fir mommy to hang up but it is okay to walk away if someone is not being very kind.

Hey, would you like to draw a picture to send to grandma that we can stamp and mail? I’ll bet she will be so happy to see your beautiful art.


I’d say nothing else to the child.

I’d have quite the text/email for mom.

First sentence is fine. Second is disturbing. If your mother behaves terribly, you don't teach your kid to reinforce it in any way. She is still allowed to love grandma, but it is not OK to actively encourage her to do a kind gesture for grandma after grandma was cruel. Sends the wrong message about abusive behavior.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Grandma was upset but wasn’t sharing it in a respectful way. It wasn’t nice fir mommy to hang up but it is okay to walk away if someone is not being very kind.

Hey, would you like to draw a picture to send to grandma that we can stamp and mail? I’ll bet she will be so happy to see your beautiful art.


I’d say nothing else to the child.

I’d have quite the text/email for mom.

First sentence is fine. Second is disturbing. If your mother behaves terribly, you don't teach your kid to reinforce it in any way. She is still allowed to love grandma, but it is not OK to actively encourage her to do a kind gesture for grandma after grandma was cruel. Sends the wrong message about abusive behavior.

+1 teach your kid that it's important to be nice to everyone, and that includes self. But that nice does not mean letting someone take advantage. I would say that it was nice of you to end an interaction that could have gone horribly wrong. Hanging up is the equivalent of walking away from a hot situation which is a tactic that is explicitly taught.

[Anonymous]

Hanging up is a control tactic to get the last word and stonewall someone. It is not healthy in any way.

[Anonymous]

When my mother gets like this, I use my Mom Voice and talk to her like I talk to my toddler. I give one or two warnings and explain the consequence. Then if I am ignored, I hang up.

Act like a child, get treated like a child.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Hanging up is a control tactic to get the last word and stonewall someone. It is not healthy in any way.

I disagree. If someone is screaming and swearing at you, communication has broken to the point where nothing productive is going to happen. It’s fine to say “I’m hanging up now” and do it. This is a great example of setting boundaries.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Hanging up is a control tactic to get the last word and stonewall someone. It is not healthy in any way.

Do you seriously expect the listener to just hang on listening to whatever nonsense may spring forth?

[Anonymous]

I've actually muted my mom a few times when she says crazy things on the phones and my kids are around. They can see her face, but whoops, the sound is out! But they're pretty young, so it's possible to do that.

[Anonymous]

Mute when kids are around.

Use headphones when kids are around, so they can't hear what she is saying.

No longer talk to her when the kids are around.

You know your mom is batcrap crazy, so don't expose your kids to her unless she behaves better when there are other people (ie..witnesses) around. Ask me how I know.