Spouse who checks out when with other adults

[Anonymous]

Does anyone have the phenomenon where ones spouse just turns inward, silent, and uncommunicative towards the family if a grandparent, friend, spouse, or nanny is in the house? And then if alone and forced to be with the kids or in charge of them for some activities, musters up a whole different personality for them (similar to how they are at 8-6pm work)? Said spouse also sleeps a lot, from 8pm to 6 or 7am, and usually comes home or up form home office to eat, not talk, and crash. Mornings are also stressful for them, they tend to focus on inanimate things like putting out breakfast and then disappearing, never sit down and talk/eat w kids before school.

Is this extreme introvert or a thyroid energy issue or a Split personality thigg by? It has gotten to be a lonely marriage, impossible to have a back and forth conversation with them (they peeter out, change topic, or get angry), and the kids are usually ignored by them unless I make him doing stuff only with them, no me or other adult. When there’s another adult around he either walks off or sits with them silently. It’s such a pattern, but disheartening.

[Anonymous]

Um, he sounds depressed, and it’s pretty astounding that you would leap to “split personality” before arriving at an anxiety or depression disorder. Depression is not something he is choosing. You should kindly and compassionately ask him about it, without blame or judgment.

With depression, it can be hard to get out of bed, let alone set out breakfast for others and go to work.

[Anonymous]

I know it's the most hate answer on DCUM but it sounds like a case of undiagnosed/untreated anxiety and ADHD.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Um, he sounds depressed, and it’s pretty astounding that you would leap to “split personality” before arriving at an anxiety or depression disorder. Depression is not something he is choosing. You should kindly and compassionately ask him about it, without blame or judgment.

With depression, it can be hard to get out of bed, let alone set out breakfast for others and go to work.

I agree untreated depression is another possible issue.

[Anonymous]

You say he's fine with the kids on his own so let him manage that relationship. He probably has little today to you or other adults because you and the other adults are constantly micromanaging and judging.

[Anonymous]

Sounds like a depressed introvert. I am an introvert and the pandemic era all day video calls drain me way more than in person meetings and commuting did. Some days being “on” for work drains me completely. I also have ADHD and sometimes my kids constant noise and whining is more than I can bear. It short circuits my brain in a way that I can’t focus on doing anything else - and so I walk away and do laundry or load the dishwasher.

[Anonymous]

Yes, same situation at our house. Diagnosis is ADHD, HFA, and depression. Not all at once. It took maybe 5-8 years to sort through it and we have a diagnosis and some meds now but no easy fix. It’s not their fault, but a person like this can really strain the relationships of the rest of the family with the outside world and will deplete the mental and physical resources of all the adults within the family.

[Anonymous]

In our house, it's because of:

- introversion
- inattentive ADHD
- generally low energy

We're all like that to some degree in the family, so at least there is no judgement!!!

[Anonymous]

I do this. Engaging with my kids can be really draining. If someone else is at my house to engage with them, I take full advantage.

[Anonymous]

Got one who gets up about a third of the way though dinner and either sleeps on sofa or disappears entirely. Other extreme, talks over everyone else. Fun times.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Got one who gets up about a third of the way though dinner and either sleeps on sofa or disappears entirely. Other extreme, talks over everyone else. Fun times.

Have you compassionately brought this up with him? Something is wrong, likely depression or ADHD or anxiety. Those are all disorders that are not the fault of the sufferer. What you are doing is like saying “fun times” because a cancer patient doesn’t have the energy to hike or go on vacation. You’re watching your spouse suffer, and instead of trying to help them, you are mocking them on the internet. Wow.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Got one who gets up about a third of the way though dinner and either sleeps on sofa or disappears entirely. Other extreme, talks over everyone else. Fun times.

Same here.
He’s diagnosed ASD and bipolar. He tires himself out talking or acting at the office and has nothing left for his family once home. Plus the rages if asked by anyone, to be involved.
The kids are in talk therapy so they better identify healthy and unhealthy behaviors.

Try to seek a diagnosis for him. couch it that it’s about his fatigue or depression but those are likely outputs of an underlying disorder here. He’s picking and choosing when to be “on” and it’s clear at home he only wants to be “off.”