Will my son ever be able to pack a suitcase?

[Anonymous]

Just a rant: DS, 14, turns all his homework in on time and gets straight As, so I know he has some level of organizational ability. In all other areas, he’s a total slob! I ask him to do the dishes and three will get broken and the stove and countertop will still be covered in dirty pots and food. There are probably 12 pairs of dirty socks under his bed. He could not find a misplaced object if it had blinking lights and a “this way” sign. He forgets to put the milk back in the fridge regularly. If I go to sleep before him, I will wake up to every light in the house on and maybe the fridge door open. Today, I told him to bring his clean clothes and his suitcase up from the basement so he could pack for the wedding we’re going to. He goes to the basement, kicks a soccer ball around for a while and comes back up, empty handed. I tell him again. He brings the clothes and suitcase up and, five minutes later, assures me he has packed. He just zipped the clean clothes into the suitcase! He was going to go to a wedding with five socks, a pair of shorts and two t-shirts. Meanwhile, DD, 16, has packed (including a toothbrush!) and fed the dog. Reader, am I teaching my son that a woman will always clean up after him or is he going to grow out of this?

[Anonymous]

Yes, you are.

He has no consequences for being a slob?

My elementary kids weren’t allowed to leave their bedroom on Monday until they passed my inspection. If they don’t do their chores they lose their screens.

[Anonymous]

you have to teach him. for packing a suitcase, have him make a list of what he'll need, with amounts (like X pairs of socks for an X-day trip). Look at the list with him and ask him to add certain things (like if you know you'll go swimming and he doesn't have a bathing suit on the list).

Then have him pull everything out and put it on his bed, putting a checkmark next to each thing. Again, check it--ask about a few things on the list and make sure they're there. Then he puts it all in the suitcase. If there are some things he needs right up until he leaves and so can't pack, have him write those down and tape the note to the suitcase, and remind him to gather them before you leave.

He isn't magically going to know how to do it. Some kids might. Yours clearly doesn't. That's ok, but you can give him practice and support now.

[Anonymous]

Teach him to make a list. Bring it to you and you edit/add for completeness. Then he packs according to the list and checks things off as he goes. You do final inspection of the list and the suitcase. This is how I taught my at DC 9 years old. By the time DC was in HS they were completely independent in doing the process from beginning to end. I never had to inspect anything anymore.

[Anonymous]

As someone who also has both genders for kids it amazes me how much my daughter seems to have just learned by osmosis, or taken the initiative to figure out, that my sons just let wash over them.

I’ll be watching this thread for advice on what to do when you have to teach your son stuff you never had to teach your daughter, because I need to learn too.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:As someone who also has both genders for kids it amazes me how much my daughter seems to have just learned by osmosis, or taken the initiative to figure out, that my sons just let wash over them.

I’ll be watching this thread for advice on what to do when you have to teach your son stuff you never had to teach your daughter, because I need to learn too.

I’d only believe your osmosis theory if you can swear on a holy book of your choice that you and your spouse equally share chores interchangeably. Otherwise, she’s just following your lead and he is following your DH’s.

[Anonymous]

I think it's a personality thing. My oldest is a total space cadet about these things. My youngest was born knowing how to do this stuff and does it better than I do.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:As someone who also has both genders for kids it amazes me how much my daughter seems to have just learned by osmosis, or taken the initiative to figure out, that my sons just let wash over them.

I’ll be watching this thread for advice on what to do when you have to teach your son stuff you never had to teach your daughter, because I need to learn too.

It’s the opposite at our house. We are at the beach with tidy and organized DS, 12. Older son just got home from college and called to rant about how our DD, the eldest (also home from college) has left dishes everywhere, and failed to scoop the cats’ litter box or get them fresh water. He and our younger DS have always loved having an organized space, though all three are able to completely overlook a dirty counter. DH is more tidy than I as well, outside the kitchen at least.

[Anonymous]

You teach him by letting him pick and live with the consequences. If he has one pair of shorts, that’s what he has. He will remember the next time.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:You teach him by letting him pick and live with the consequences. If he has one pair of shorts, that’s what he has. He will remember the next time.

OP again. Yes, I believe in natural consequences as a learning tool, but in this case the natural consequence would be a punishment for me!

Thanks for the reminder about lists. I used to make checklists for him when he was younger, but it seems like he should be able to do some of the things he’s done many times before with lists, modeling, help and nagging (packing a suit case) by himself by now. I’ll try that again.

It’s frustrating!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:You teach him by letting him pick and live with the consequences. If he has one pair of shorts, that’s what he has. He will remember the next time.

OP again. Yes, I believe in natural consequences as a learning tool, but in this case the natural consequence would be a punishment for me!

Thanks for the reminder about lists. I used to make checklists for him when he was younger, but it seems like he should be able to do some of the things he’s done many times before with lists, modeling, help and nagging (packing a suit case) by himself by now. I’ll try that again.

It’s frustrating!

You can check when he is done and tell him to do it again if he didn’t do it right. Just make him figure it out. (Or at least figure out to check a YouTube video lol.)

[Anonymous]

He sounds as if he has ADHD. My son with ADHD needs step by step instructions, repeated several times, before he gets the hang of something.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:As someone who also has both genders for kids it amazes me how much my daughter seems to have just learned by osmosis, or taken the initiative to figure out, that my sons just let wash over them.

I’ll be watching this thread for advice on what to do when you have to teach your son stuff you never had to teach your daughter, because I need to learn too.

I’d only believe your osmosis theory if you can swear on a holy book of your choice that you and your spouse equally share chores interchangeably. Otherwise, she’s just following your lead and he is following your DH’s.

DP. I back up pp. My DH shares household chores equally, and is, if anything, neater and more organized than I (thank you, U.S. Army). Letting things “wash over them” is a perfect description. DC knows that certain things happen around the house, but he is totally oblivious as to exactly how. He has to be taught everything. He does his laundry now, but there was nothing about the process that was intuitive to him, and the first several times he did it, I had to go walk him through the process again (water temperature, how many clothes to put in each load, etc etc). Same with packing. I think he can do it now, but it took many times of me helping him to various degrees. And he’s a very bright kid and has a lot of common sense about other things in life.

[Anonymous]

You actually need to teach him to do things. To some, these things are intuitive. To others, they are not. So to pack the suitcase - sit him down and ask him to think about what he might need done the trip - and have him write a list. Ask him some questions: how long will you be gone? What will you do while there? Is there a dress code for anything? What about his toiletries (contacts, toothbrush, etc)?

[Anonymous]

It has to be important to him for him to do it right. If it's not important to him to have the right clothes for a wedding or a swimming suit to swim in then make it important to him by imposing consequences as others have suggested. If he doesn't like having to make a list and get it checked by you then maybe he will be motivated to do it correctly on his own. Either way you have to instruct and help him at this point so he can do it on his own later on. Saying he ought to be able to do it right by now is arbitrary.