Anyone else nervous about having a second?

[Anonymous]

My husband and I have decided to start trying for a second next month. My daughter is nearly 3 years old and I think it's a good time to start for another. I'm just so nervous about it! I've been putting it off....originally I wanted to start trying when my daughter was 2 1/2. My husband wants another one now, but he's willing to wait a while longer. I'm actually nervous about it because I think if I put it off I'll just worry about it for however long it takes to get pregnant, whether I actually start trying now or a year from now. I want to have another in theory, I just get so nervous about going through the whole process again! I try to remind myself that starting to try doesn't mean I'll get pregnant right away (which is part of what I'm nervous about, so that thought doesn't help) and even if I do get pregnant right away a baby wouldn't be here for the better part of a year. Anyone else feel this way? Does everyone feel this way?

[Anonymous]

Yes - I just started fertility treatments this week and I question if I am doing the right thing. We are so happy with our one and are wondering if having 2 will be hard to manage. I hate feeling this way,

[Anonymous]

I'm 36 weeks with my second and we're super nervous about handling 2 under 2. Our second is a surprise so I don't know if having more control over it would've made a difference in the nerves dept.

[Anonymous]

32 weeks pregnant and still nervous about handling #2 - maybe more so now than earlier, as getting into the uncomfortable part of pregnancy has really made it hit home. Ours will be 2.5 years apart, and #2 was very much planned, but that doesn't make the nervous go away.

But like you, we knew we wanted #2 in theory, so at a certain point we just had to bite the bullet and take the plunge.

Good luck with your decision!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:We are so happy with our one and are wondering if having 2 will be hard to manage. I hate feeling this way,

OP here: This is exactly how I feel. I know I want my daughter to have a sibling, but that's not why I want a second. I just can't imagine not having more children. Originally, we wanted 3 because we are both from families for 3, but now we don't know and don't want to plan that far ahead. I sometimes feel like most people just "know" they want another one and they just do it. It seems like most of my friends with children the age of my daughter have a 2nd already and they just did it....either that or they haven't gotten pregnant yet and have husbands that want to wait longer. Although he's not pressuring me, I'm one of the few who has a husband that is more ready than I am (easy for him, he doesn't have to carry the baby!). Thanks everyone for responding. I really appreciate it.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Yes - I just started fertility treatments this week and I question if I am doing the right thing. We are so happy with our one and are wondering if having 2 will be hard to manage. I hate feeling this way,

This is how we feel too. We always wanted two, but we feel like we have finally gotten our lives back together after having our first. We just started fertility treatments too, and I have doubts every day as to whether we're doing the right thing. I wish that I felt confident that we were making the right decision... like we did when we were TTC #1. It doesn't help that there are some posts on the main board from people who feel like having a second child ruined their lives and that everything was so much easier with just one.

[Anonymous]

I was not quite sure we were ready for #2, then I miscarried and knew that there's nothing more in the world I want right now....unfortunately I am not pregnant again yet....

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I was not quite sure we were ready for #2, then I miscarried and knew that there's nothing more in the world I want right now....unfortunately I am not pregnant again yet....

OP again: I'm so sorry that you've had to go through this and I hope you get pregnant again soon. I know that isn't the way anyone wants to force them into certainty. This is why I posted that not being able to get pregnant is one of my fears. I know that secondary infertility is more common.....so for me it's not even the raising of the child, it's the whole thing. Getting pregnant, worrying about the pregnancy and hopefully adjusting the baby to our daughter's life. I'm not so nervous about the not sleeping or the diapers. Those things are all kind of what comes with having a child, no matter when you do it, and they're all for only a few years anwyay. This is also one of the reasons why I don't want to wait until some bolt of baby-wanting lightening strikes me. The fact is that we never know what will happen, even if it seems like there should be no reason to worry.

[Anonymous]

When we started trying (2 years ago) when DS was 18 months, we were nervous about having kids fairly close together. Now that he is older, I think it would be easier to have an infant (if I every get pregnant). But now I worry about stepping back into infanthood, and having to wait many more years before we can take the kind of vacations that we want, etc.

[Anonymous]

Is it crazy to want #2 so #1 has a sibling (which is the predominant reason in our case).

We are in a good place now with our one. And even with one, you still deal with the challenges of childcare, expenses, doc appts., adult time, clean house, and all the other issues that come with being a parent in the DC area. The thought of adding another one to this mix is frightening. I wonder how some people do it, esp. they average middle class with 2 working parents.

Is the trade off worth it? Will the "gift of a sibling" (hate this term!) be worth the additional hassle for the parents? Is that being selfish? Will my kid hate me down the road?
I do have a few acquaintances with one child and they just feel so comfortable with their decision to have one - they live in other part of the country so is the pressure to have more than one a DC thing?

And now that I have started fertlity treatments and feeling like crap - I just really doubt I can handle it!

[Anonymous]

10:25 - If your primary reason for going for #2 is to give DC a sibling, then I think you should reconsider. There are plenty of only children who had great childhoods and didn't want a sibling. I think that they adjust to whatever their environment is, and they will be fine.

I grew up with two siblings, and I would say that we were never really "close" growing up. Lots of fighting. However, lots of playing together too. Now that we're adults, I speak with my same-sex sibling about twice/month. It's nice to have someone to rely on. However, to be honest, I don't think that I would be friends with either one of my siblings if we weren't related by blood. We're too different.

As we are trying to make this decision too, I do find that I would like to give my DD a sibling. I wonder sometimes if it would help her to feel less lonely and if it would take some of the burden off of us to continually "play" with her. Growing up, I don't remember ever really "playing" with my parents. I played with my siblings. Now, DD looks to us for entertainment. I know that adding a child creates more logistics and challenges. However, I also wonder if it helps free up some "adult time" if the siblings are keeping each other company.

[Anonymous]

OP here: I certainly do not think it's weird or crazy to have a child to provide the first one a sibling! I think it's very common, but some people wouldn't admit to it because it sounds like they're already "favoring" one of their children....even though that's nuts because the other one isn't even born yet. What's funny is that I remember playing with my Mom more than playing with my 2 older siblings! My Mom is very playful with children and very imaginative. I have few memories of playing with my sisters where my Mom wasn't actively involved. Most of my memories with my sisters involve trying to get them to pay attention to me! I remember one of them playing practical jokes on me and I also remember them dressing me up a lot. I have to say that most only children I know as adults are productive and happy. They seem to have good relationships with their Parents and a strong sense of duty in giving their own children siblings. They feel like they've missed something but it's hard to tell if they have.

I guess it seems great from the outside, and it is in a lot of ways. I have a very close bond with one of my siblings and I love my other sibling, but I'm certain we would never be friends if we were not related. That said, I'm not upset that she exists and I don't wish I didn't have her in my life. I think that children just accept whatever is there and they always see some other family's relationships as superior to theirs in one way or another. My husband has 2 siblings also and is close with neither. We are close with both sets of Parents, though. I think if you want another child, you should have one, but I am strongly against the idea that children are born to provide each other with unconditional support. I want nothing more than to have children that love and support each other, but I don't want them to be a burden to each other. You can try your best, but you just can't make something that doesn't exist. The experience of having one is normally beneficial, even if the relationship isn't close.....that said, I'm sure you can have great experiences as an only child too....just most people don't know what that feels like.