Are these red flags, or not? My gut says yes

[Anonymous]

This is going to be super long, so please bear with me. I need answers. I am divorced. Marriage ended in November 2019. In June 2020, I met someone, I’ve been with for almost a year now. However, she has some “friendships” that are questionable to me. First would be the ex fiancé, she broke up with over five years ago now. They still communicate on a regular basis, and claims they are only friends. however the eX, has proven to be shady to me. Seems very needy, recently sent us candy to congratulate us, and then recently told my GF that she pursued another one of my GF’s ex’s, who’s she’s also friends with, on a dating website. I expressed my discomfort with the whole thing, and told her that that was an attempt to stay relevant in her life, and get a reaction. Not to mention that I found it very sh*tty that she would even pursue my GF’s good friend. My GF claims to care less about what she does, and totally disinterested. However, she still communicate with her. But the problem now is that now that I have expressed that I don’t like this person, I believe that the communication continues behind my back. It’s like she can’t see, or doesn’t want to say, what this person it’s really about. I’m just trying to figure out why this friendship is still so important to her.

“Friendship“ number two, that is suspect. This time, it’s a so-called mentor that lived with her for a year, And the reason for this is I’m told the young lady had problems at home. Shortly after we met, she asked her to leave. The story I’m told there is that the mentor does not know her lifestyle, but I call bullsh*t. If you live with someone for a year, and spend time with them, there’s no way they know your personal life. I also believe that the mentee is gay too. In the beginning of our relationship, for the first 2 months, I would ask to come over. She would never let me come over, claiming that it would be awkward, due to the fact that the mentee didn’t know about her lifestyle. Again, BS. This is also another relationship that is maintained on a regular basis, through texting. She downplays both relationships, and doesn’t believe that I’m aware of the regular communication. The mentee doesn’t know about me at all, but the ex does know about me.

In my mind, there’s no way that she has something going on with both of them, but at the same time, she keeps these relationships very separate for me. She has other friends that she openly talk to me about. If I wasn’t aware of these two relationships, I would have to say that she’s perfect. Tells me how much she loves me on a regular basis, very affectionate, and claims she wants to marry me, and spend her life with me. My question is, is my gut right, or am I still suffering PTSD from my ex-wife, who actually did cheat on me?

Part of me wants to end the whole thing, because it’s just too stressful. However, if I did, I know she’ll be very hurt, and not have a clue why I ended it. I don’t know what to do.

[Anonymous]

Yes, they are red flags. Trust your gut.

Sounds like you never really took time to work through your divorce. To get into a long-term relationship 6 months after your divorce isn’t healthy.

Way to much drama here.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Yes, they are red flags. Trust your gut.

Sounds like you never really took time to work through your divorce. To get into a long-term relationship 6 months after your divorce isn’t healthy.

Way to much drama here.

OP. I think I’m trying to figure out how to explain, not one, but questionable friendships?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:This is going to be super long, so please bear with me. I need answers. I am divorced. Marriage ended in November 2019. In June 2020, I met someone, I’ve been with for almost a year now. However, she has some “friendships” that are questionable to me. First would be the ex fiancé, she broke up with over five years ago now. They still communicate on a regular basis, and claims they are only friends. however the eX, has proven to be shady to me. Seems very needy, recently sent us candy to congratulate us, and then recently told my GF that she pursued another one of my GF’s ex’s, who’s she’s also friends with, on a dating website. I expressed my discomfort with the whole thing, and told her that that was an attempt to stay relevant in her life, and get a reaction. Not to mention that I found it very sh*tty that she would even pursue my GF’s good friend. My GF claims to care less about what she does, and totally disinterested. However, she still communicate with her. But the problem now is that now that I have expressed that I don’t like this person, I believe that the communication continues behind my back. It’s like she can’t see, or doesn’t want to say, what this person it’s really about. I’m just trying to figure out why this friendship is still so important to her.

“Friendship“ number two, that is suspect. This time, it’s a so-called mentor that lived with her for a year, And the reason for this is I’m told the young lady had problems at home. Shortly after we met, she asked her to leave. The story I’m told there is that the mentor does not know her lifestyle, but I call bullsh*t. If you live with someone for a year, and spend time with them, there’s no way they know your personal life. I also believe that the mentee is gay too. In the beginning of our relationship, for the first 2 months, I would ask to come over. She would never let me come over, claiming that it would be awkward, due to the fact that the mentee didn’t know about her lifestyle. Again, BS. This is also another relationship that is maintained on a regular basis, through texting. She downplays both relationships, and doesn’t believe that I’m aware of the regular communication. The mentee doesn’t know about me at all, but the ex does know about me.

In my mind, there’s no way that she has something going on with both of them, but at the same time, she keeps these relationships very separate for me. She has other friends that she openly talk to me about. If I wasn’t aware of these two relationships, I would have to say that she’s perfect. Tells me how much she loves me on a regular basis, very affectionate, and claims she wants to marry me, and spend her life with me. My question is, is my gut right, or am I still suffering PTSD from my ex-wife, who actually did cheat on me?

Part of me wants to end the whole thing, because it’s just too stressful. However, if I did, I know she’ll be very hurt, and not have a clue why I ended it. I don’t know what to do.

This is your gut speaking to you. Listen to it. You are not responsible for how she receives the news.

[Anonymous]

I think your red flags are that you and this woman clearly have different expectations about friendships/relationships, and that you are carrying a lot of baggage about your ex's infidelity. I think if you don't trust someone, you shouldn't date them whether or not random people on the internet see red flags. You should probably do some personal work around been cheated on before trying to get serious with a new person.

[Anonymous]

Doesn’t matter if your gut is right or not. This is too much drama. Even if your partner has done nothing wrong, you don’t appear to be in the right place to be getting serious with someone.

[Anonymous]

Tldr

[Anonymous]

You don't need permission to break up with someone, OP. You are not comfortable with your GF's relationships with these people, so whether or not you are "justified" in feeling this way is not really relevant. You feel how you feel, you're not happy, so why stay?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Tldr

+1. Editing, it's a talent.