Spouse and I completely differ re: retirement plans

[Anonymous]

Both still want to work, but can do so remotely, it’s more on location. My husband wants to stay near the kids, despite them saying they have no idea where they will be. I’m fine with doing that, but I want to spend more time up north at our beach place with my family. I’ve lived away from them more than 30 years now and simply want to be up there more. Husband is non-committal about it. I have no problem going up without him, but there’s a part of me that feels guilty doing so. When I try and talk to him about even a 5 year plan, I don’t get much and it’s very frustrating. The kids are now grown (youngest is 20) and being up north will actually put me closer to college age DS. Would be happy to be here through the holidays and Jan/Feb/Mar but would love to be up there starting in April through late October. I could spend so much more time with my family and friends that way. Husband is a bit of an introvert so we have no real couple-friends here. My friends here would love to visit me up North (and have when I’ve gone up).

Anyone else finding themselves at odds with their spouse on future plans?

[Anonymous]

OP, thank you for posting this!

We've been married for 21 years and the last kid will be out in 2.5 years. My DH wants to retire in 4 years. We live in Los Angeles.

DH is from Virginia. I'm from a beach town in California and I always thought we would move there. Every time we'd visit that town, we'd look at houses and nothing was right.

About five years ago, when I showed him something I thought was awesome, and he didn't like it, and suddenly I realized that the reason we never make progress with discussing the future is that our visions really don't have an intersection in the Venn diagram. Not only in imagining our style of house, but our idea of retirement home etc.

Then this fall, he suddenly went on a tear about how due to years of mismanagement, California is becoming a pit, and it's ridiculously expensive etc etc....and no way in hell would he be retiring in CA and he's thinking Florida or South Carolina, blah blah...

And I was thinking, "WTF?" and also, "is there any WE in this discussion?"

So suddenly the Venn diagram circles got really far apart!

I'm totally ignoring all this. I just can't deal with this on top of some of the stressors that come with teenagers. I'll just worry about it after the kids are out. I figure we'll both be a little more relaxed and maybe there will be a way to figure it out that we haven't thought of yet (other than divorce or death, ha ha!)

[Anonymous]

Instead of trying to plan for the very long term, just look for this immediate term (before your kids become parents). My in-laws eventually moved close to us, but there were many years of empty nesting where they lived where they wanted and we lived in NYC doing the professional grind.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Instead of trying to plan for the very long term, just look for this immediate term (before your kids become parents). My in-laws eventually moved close to us, but there were many years of empty nesting where they lived where they wanted and we lived in NYC doing the professional grind.

This is good advice. Why think in terms of "forever?" Besides, you're not really talking about "retirement" if you both plan to keep working. Retirement means you stop working. You're just talking about what to do when the kids leave home.

[Anonymous]

I know several retired couples who are at separate residences (where they prefer to be) some of the year and together some of the year. I kind of like that at a certain age you can say “I know you love to golf if Fl all winter, but that not my thing and I’ll be at the Cape house - see you in the spring!”

[Anonymous]

Op, spend more time -where you want- but in smaller increments. Expecting a 5 year plan is not reasonable.

It isn't certainty that will being you peace.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP, thank you for posting this!

We've been married for 21 years and the last kid will be out in 2.5 years. My DH wants to retire in 4 years. We live in Los Angeles.

DH is from Virginia. I'm from a beach town in California and I always thought we would move there. Every time we'd visit that town, we'd look at houses and nothing was right.

About five years ago, when I showed him something I thought was awesome, and he didn't like it, and suddenly I realized that the reason we never make progress with discussing the future is that our visions really don't have an intersection in the Venn diagram. Not only in imagining our style of house, but our idea of retirement home etc.

Then this fall, he suddenly went on a tear about how due to years of mismanagement, California is becoming a pit, and it's ridiculously expensive etc etc....and no way in hell would he be retiring in CA and he's thinking Florida or South Carolina, blah blah...

And I was thinking, "WTF?" and also, "is there any WE in this discussion?"

So suddenly the Venn diagram circles got really far apart!

I'm totally ignoring all this. I just can't deal with this on top of some of the stressors that come with teenagers. I'll just worry about it after the kids are out. I figure we'll both be a little more relaxed and maybe there will be a way to figure it out that we haven't thought of yet (other than divorce or death, ha ha!)

He is wrong not to talk it through. He is right on California though. You just can't see it due to your memories of what it was to you. Now if you have 20-40 million, I think you can recreate the California of your youth in Malibu or La Jolla or SB.

[Anonymous]

I faced some problem; frankly decided I’d spent most of my life compromising what I’d like, working to help others get what they wanted, while they showed little interest in my wishes. Figured had buried my parents and raised my kids, time for me to build a life I like. My husband and I live separately; we visit and travel together, but he does not want any change, is not willing to consider moving and I do not want to spend the rest of my life running a house for his comfort. Works well for us; unorthodox but we each live as we like. About time too!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I faced some problem; frankly decided I’d spent most of my life compromising what I’d like, working to help others get what they wanted, while they showed little interest in my wishes. Figured had buried my parents and raised my kids, time for me to build a life I like. My husband and I live separately; we visit and travel together, but he does not want any change, is not willing to consider moving and I do not want to spend the rest of my life running a house for his comfort. Works well for us; unorthodox but we each live as we like. About time too!

How far apart do you live?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP, thank you for posting this!

We've been married for 21 years and the last kid will be out in 2.5 years. My DH wants to retire in 4 years. We live in Los Angeles.

DH is from Virginia. I'm from a beach town in California and I always thought we would move there. Every time we'd visit that town, we'd look at houses and nothing was right.

About five years ago, when I showed him something I thought was awesome, and he didn't like it, and suddenly I realized that the reason we never make progress with discussing the future is that our visions really don't have an intersection in the Venn diagram. Not only in imagining our style of house, but our idea of retirement home etc.

Then this fall, he suddenly went on a tear about how due to years of mismanagement, California is becoming a pit, and it's ridiculously expensive etc etc....and no way in hell would he be retiring in CA and he's thinking Florida or South Carolina, blah blah...

And I was thinking, "WTF?" and also, "is there any WE in this discussion?"

So suddenly the Venn diagram circles got really far apart!

I'm totally ignoring all this. I just can't deal with this on top of some of the stressors that come with teenagers. I'll just worry about it after the kids are out. I figure we'll both be a little more relaxed and maybe there will be a way to figure it out that we haven't thought of yet (other than divorce or death, ha ha!)

You’re welcome! I know what you mean about is there any WE in this discussion. I’m willing to split the time, he’s not. Looks like I’ll be going alone.

[Anonymous]

You can always start living the life -you- want when retirement comes. You do have to be able to finance your vision on 1/2 the assets. The other spouse often "comes around". When the time comes, do it. You aren't helped by endlessly talking about it. That will just mean years of disagreement and debate. It doesn't result in a better plan. Not unless the change can happen in the very near future - like 6month. If, when the time comes, you know what you want, act to put it in place.

[Anonymous]

We're planning our retirement in yearly increments. We want to spend time in a lot of places before we get too old and want to settle. We have no idea where that's going to because we want to be in a location convenient to at least one of our kids. I would never want to buy a house to start of my retirement. I would consider getting a long-term rental in a desired location and see how it goes.

[Anonymous]

OP, you living for a month near your family might be ok for your marriage. A month every so often. Husband visits for part of the time. There will be a zillion ways for this to work. Don't argue about it now.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I faced some problem; frankly decided I’d spent most of my life compromising what I’d like, working to help others get what they wanted, while they showed little interest in my wishes. Figured had buried my parents and raised my kids, time for me to build a life I like. My husband and I live separately; we visit and travel together, but he does not want any change, is not willing to consider moving and I do not want to spend the rest of my life running a house for his comfort. Works well for us; unorthodox but we each live as we like. About time too!

GOOD FOR YOU!!! And I am genuine and don't mean that sarcastically (you never know with DCUM haha).

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I faced some problem; frankly decided I’d spent most of my life compromising what I’d like, working to help others get what they wanted, while they showed little interest in my wishes. Figured had buried my parents and raised my kids, time for me to build a life I like. My husband and I live separately; we visit and travel together, but he does not want any change, is not willing to consider moving and I do not want to spend the rest of my life running a house for his comfort. Works well for us; unorthodox but we each live as we like. About time too!

How far apart do you live?

We live about 3 hours apart in different properties we own. Works for me; I have zero interest in having a relationship with another man, just want some time to myself to do things I enjoy. It’s true luxury to stock the fridge with food I like, not have to make meals for somebody else, run decisions about going out or not by him all the time. He is so preoccupied with activities he likes that I frankly doubt he notices I’m not there - other than having to do his own cooking and laundry now and again. I’ve wondered if he has some Aspergers from time to time. I can’t change his behavior, but figure after several decades it’s okay for me to grow a life I enjoy, rather than trying to live his. No big argument, no legal separation - and I hear of more older couples doing this. Maybe we’re trending!