4 yo told black preschool worker he "doesn't like brown people"
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Anonymous
| Preschool that we love and have sent 3 of our kids to told me today afterschool that my youngest, 4 yo son, told a black "floater staff" that "he doesn't like brown people other than John (his bestie)." I am utterly floored and responded thanking them for alerting us, telling them that it does not reflect our values at home and we are very shaken by it and that my son would be apologizing and writing a card to the staffer. Ugh. We had a serious heart felt discussion about how we it hurts feeling to say unkind things to them about their skin or bodies and that skin color is a very sensitive topic. He was very upset and I think realized it was a big deal, but I'm jsut so taken aback by the whole thing. We are a super progressive family with diverse friends (who we haven't seen much of thanks to the pandemic). I just am floored that my son would say this because we definitely have talked about race and have diverse books. (older kids so we talk about race in appropriate ways in the family.). I am also just mortified about what the staff must think of us. Any advice, commiseration? Ugh. just feeling awful. |
Anonymous
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My son said something like this when he was in kindergarten (to me)..and I was horrified too... and DH isn’t even white! He’s in third grade now and would never say anything like that. We have had a lot of discussions with our children but it does need to be addressed and not ignored. Think of it as a teaching moment and hope this article helps!
https://www.google.com/amp/s/www.todaysparent.com/kids/preschool/do-you-think-your-kid-might-be-racist/amp/ |
Anonymous
| Have you read the Nurture Shock chapter on race? https://www.newsweek.com/even-babies-discriminate-nurtureshock-excerpt-79233 Just keep talking about it in an age 4 appropriate way. |
Anonymous
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Oh, I feel for you, OP. One of my kids said something like that when he was 4. He didn’t like our new au pair, and we told him that it wasn’t kind to tell people that you don’t like them, so he decided to say that he hated everyone of her nationality as kind of a workaround.
(She was Mexican, and it was 2015. DS told everyone at preschool, “I don’t like tacos. I don’t like burritos. All Mexican people should go back to Mexico.” Of course, he didn’t understand the larger social context and why we were mortified. He was just trying to express that he didn’t like this one person.) Of course, he would never say anything like that now, but it was tough at the time. |
Anonymous
| I think this is much more common than you would think. When my daughter was three, she thought very dark-skinned people were scary, despite having a [lighter] dark-skinned mom and caregivers, and an incredibly diverse, progressive sets of toys, books, and even TV shows that we watched at home. We talked about it a lot, and she got over it, but it was incredibly upsetting at the time. |
Anonymous
| Don’t worry about it! My daughter who is of mixed Indian and Iranian ethnicity was terrified of old white people until she was about 2 years old! She would cry like crazy whenever approached by them in public. Tan or brown people didn’t scare her. Go figure! |
Anonymous
I remember a kid telling my (white) mom that she was very old -- mom was in her 50s. Kids just say the most random stuff and sometimes have no idea what they said means or implies. |
Anonymous
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It’s possible he meant it very literally. Like, the only brown person he likes is so and so, because that is literally the only brown person he has played with and he only likes his friends. And maybe in the adult hearing that is where this other meaning is getting projected on. Does that make sense?
Kids are very literal and earnest. I wouldn’t want people’s reactions to be traumatizing for him. |
Anonymous
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Shall I tell you a funny story to make you feel better?
My White mother married my Asian father, back in the Jurassic era. When my mother's 5 year old nephew first met my father, he pulled at the corner of his eyes with his fingers to make them like slits, because that's what he noticed first about my father. That same year, when my parents visited my father's home country, my father's 5 year old niece first met my mother, and she pushed at the corner of her eyes to make them rounder, because that's what she noticed first about my mother!!! They told me that story so many time when I was growing up, and I always thought it was hilarious. Kids. What can you do? |
Anonymous
| Ugh, that is mortifying. |
Anonymous
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Kids are struggling to express themselves. As a BIPOC, I would say just continue to educate but don’t project your white guilt/shame onto this situation and make this about whether you as parents are bad. Yes it is mortifying and I too have been mortified when my kids at that age said similarly cringeworthy things about, e.g., old people.
Social anxiety begins at this age and children are just trying to manage it all. Probably this person talked to him and he was having a 4 year old moment about not wanting to be engaged so he pushed back in this inappropriate way. I would suggest having him get to know more brown people as people/friends instead of trying to make some big amends to this one person. It’s not about this one comment per se, more about his environment and community. |
Anonymous
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PP here — I would also not tell him skin color is a sensitive topic. That’s not quite the right message. You can tell him yes, so and so is brown and we think that’s beautiful. We are friends with/kind to people regardless of the color of their skin. Calm voice. Shaming him and making it taboo isn’t what helping with the strong message he needs to hear from you about values.
Deep breath... it will be ok! |
Anonymous
Lol. |
Anonymous
+1 |
Anonymous
When I (white woman) was in my early 30's I went to pick my daughter up from elementary school. A kid took one look at me, knew I was there for DD but wasn't exactly her mom, and yelled, "DD! Your .... grandma is here!" |