Strategies for anxious child

[Anonymous]

I am putting my 7 year old in therapy for extreme anxiety. Appointments don't begin until the end of this month. So, while we wait, I would sincerely love to hear your strategies for helping your anxious child.

He's in first grade. He makes friends easily. Does great at school. Transitions well. Is emotionally even-keeled.

He really really struggles with performance-based situations, even minor ones. An example would be last night. I took him to the indoor pool (it is a huge pool, which is part of the problem) for a small swim lesson (not swim team), and while he entered the pool building willingly, happily, and excited about swim class, he literally tried to flee out of the building and then he started sucking his thumb, which he has never done in his life, once they asked him to go to his lane and swim with the teacher. He is not scared of water. He is scared of people/performing/uncertainty. The pool is huge (30 lanes), and it was full of kids. It was way too much for him, and he freaked. He does the same with swim team (which we are pulling him off of). He does the same in many other situations where there are too many people or too much uncertainty, or someone is asking him to do something he is not sure he can do or something is hard for him and he is being watched (like during a lesson). He also cannot do small things like ask a pool staff person for a kickboard to borrow. You can see a metaphorical door shut in his face when you ask him to do something small like that, and he shuts down completely.

HE also says he has a tummy ache almost every day before school, which I bet is related to anxiety. He loves school though, so he is able to go without an issue.

I need your tips! We do not yell, scold, shame, punish, or get angry. We give him space, we model situations, we practice skits, we bring him to new places before a lesson actually begins, we talk through situations, we talk about anxiety and how it makes him feel.

[Anonymous]

Try the SN forum. Super helpful there.

In the meantime, can you (gently) remind him of how brave, awesome, etc he is once he gets passed his initial fear of , for example, entering the pool.
Maybe even record him on your phone and play it back to him of his stellar accomishment of swimming a lap (or whatever) to help know he can do this.

[Anonymous]

No answers but dealing with similar situation with my 4 year old and hoping to get some tips here!

[Anonymous]

OP here. Thanks! He entered the pool on Tuesday night without issue. Loved it. We worked up to it for 2 days, toured the pool, talked about what would happen, built up his confidence, etc. He can swim, so we reminded him about this and said to show the coach what he can do, and he did!

I think what happened is that we did all this prep work for Tuesday night, and then did nothing for Wedneday night swim, thinking that the success we had on Tuesday would carry over and extend to Wednesday. Like - if we got over the hurdle of going to a new place, with a new pool and new coaches, and if we exposed to him all that - then future lessons would be easy.

Not. The. Case.

This applies to so many other scenarios, but the pool situation is an easy one to describe in this forum.

[Anonymous]

This book is recommended here all the time, and for good reason: https://www.amazon.com/What-When-Worry-Much-What/dp/1591473144

It is a great book for addressing anxiety and using CBT methods for working with anxious kids. It made a huge difference to my daughter when she was around 9. Highly recommend. There are some others in that series that may also be useful.

[Anonymous]

He's probably tired. That's a lot in the evening for a 7 year old (I also have one who gets anxious at times, as does my 10 year old - and I have major anxiety so they come by it honestly). Tiredness makes anxiety worse. Uncertainty is a big trigger for many people (especially me), and it doesn't sound like this is a 'necessary' activity (like school) so I'd pull him and focus on things that he's familiar with. It's a tough time for everyone right now. Hugs to you, I get it.

[Anonymous]

Another thing... As a mom of a very socially anxious 9 yr. old girl, I think it is hard to overstate the effect that the COVID closures/lifestyle changes have had on anxious kids--and in some ways it has been a positive one (or at least positive in the sense of a temporary reprieve). On a lot of levels, DD thrived when both the school environment as well as classes and activities were taken away and/or limited, AND, here's the kicker--this was not necessarily because she disliked the activities. In fact she missed some (and certainly some people). But I think there was just so much less pressure that it is going to be challenging to slowly rev up again.* So I could see that you DS may both want to take on more activities now, OP, but be "out of the habit" of trying new things and his old methods for coping with even welcome challenges may be a little rusty from disuse.

* And yes, don't worry, we are all rethinking exactly how/whether certain aspects of life should be "revved up"

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Another thing... As a mom of a very socially anxious 9 yr. old girl, I think it is hard to overstate the effect that the COVID closures/lifestyle changes have had on anxious kids--and in some ways it has been a positive one (or at least positive in the sense of a temporary reprieve). On a lot of levels, DD thrived when both the school environment as well as classes and activities were taken away and/or limited, AND, here's the kicker--this was not necessarily because she disliked the activities. In fact she missed some (and certainly some people). But I think there was just so much less pressure that it is going to be challenging to slowly rev up again.* So I could see that you DS may both want to take on more activities now, OP, but be "out of the habit" of trying new things and his old methods for coping with even welcome challenges may be a little rusty from disuse.

* And yes, don't worry, we are all rethinking exactly how/whether certain aspects of life should be "revved up"

Yes, PP, I think you are so right. He loves school, but during K (the year school shut down), he would gnaw on his shirt collar all day and pick his nails, out of anxiety I'd assume. He does great at shcool - loves it, teachers love him, he has friends, blah blah. School ended - shirt gnawing ended, nails grew. School is back - and he is so happy about it - and he is back to picking his nails and slweeping with a long forgotten stuffed animal. And then these isntances like I describe at swim team and with a few other things - are SO BIG and SO DRAMATIC that it is throwing us. But you're right - his coping mechanisms are rusty.

[Anonymous]

I found anxiety free kids by zucker a really helpful resource. My child is 4 so the kid exercises part (workbook) I mostly haven’t tried yet.

[Anonymous]

Following for tips. The one thing that really helps with my anxious kid is me changing my expectations for the first few times we do anything. I realize my kid needs to observe and discuss new things alot before participating. So if he misses the first quarter of the first few soccer games because he needs to get his head around how the game works, then that's what we'll do. I used to find it really infuriating (and still do sometimes) but have to remind myself the alternative is him locking up and melting down.

[Anonymous]

OP, what type of therapy are you going to start for your DS (as you mentioned above). We have not had much luck on this front given that our anxious kid is so reluctant to engage w/ therapists or small groups, etc.

[Anonymous]

You need CBT. Start small very small but don't avoid situations.

I had a kid quite like this but a bit younger - like 5.

The swimming thing is something you'll need to work up to maybe in another environment. For us swimming well is non-negotiable as a life skill.

Asking for a kickboard from a stranger is a hard ask even for adults. Like, even I might feel awkward doing that. He needs skills and strategies and maybe you helping to learn to do it. Or a friend helping.

DD absolutely thriving at age 13 and doesn't recall ever being like this - she still has some anxiety issues like all of us, but they are just normal things, she's in travel sports now and is a star and a leader. We got some CBT therapy and CBT books. I pushed probably too much at first, and made some mistakes but glad I stuck with it.