Aging parents using my sibling and me as pawns

[Anonymous]

They are aging and are getting on each other's nerves. It's like all the fractures in their marriage have turned into full-blown breaks. Dad vents to me about Mom; Mom vents about Dad. Does the same to my sister. Then expects us to be go-betweens and mediate or "talk" to the other parent about their behavior. I am sick of it.

Father outright refuses therapy. Mom is open to it but considers herself a blameless victim.

HELP. Is this a common old-person dynamic? I am sincerely about to lose it.

[Anonymous]

Yessss. My parents do this too. My wimpy dad texts me “can you please tell your mom you want her to come to the restaurant too?” Or he asks me to plan things all the time. Then he will text me not to respond back because he deletes his texts he sends me so she won’t read them. I’ve told both of them I’m not in the middle and won’t play this game. My mom yelled at me once and said she should be able to complain to me about my dad because who else could she complain to? Ugh

But daily I am so glad they’re married still. They help each other so much through home maintenance, health crises and love being grandparents together. So much would fall on me if they weren’t married.

[Anonymous]

Refuse to be the go between

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Yessss. My parents do this too. My wimpy dad texts me “can you please tell your mom you want her to come to the restaurant too?” Or he asks me to plan things all the time. Then he will text me not to respond back because he deletes his texts he sends me so she won’t read them. I’ve told both of them I’m not in the middle and won’t play this game. My mom yelled at me once and said she should be able to complain to me about my dad because who else could she complain to? Ugh

But daily I am so glad they’re married still. They help each other so much through home maintenance, health crises and love being grandparents together. So much would fall on me if they weren’t married.

Same here, PP. My in-laws are divorced, still argue, but DH has to do 2x the work. Eyes wide open.

[Anonymous]

I shut my parents down when they start to do this. I literally and very obviously change the subject and refuse to engage:

Mom: "Your father threw a fit today about the late trash pick up..."
Me: "Did you see the Muppet Show is back on Disney+? Remember who we all used to watch it together?"

I also do this when then try to bi*ch about my siblings to me. I think they know what I'm doing, because they will chuckle occassionally, but it works.

[Anonymous]

OMG it is the worst! I should have shut it down much earlier. Both my parents were bat shit crazy and believed therapy was only for crazy people. Their marriage became even more dysfunctional with age and their self awareness and boundaries went out the window. The times my dad ended up in the hospital they always called in a social worker because the 2 could not communicate without bickering. They were infuriated when this poor sweet soul would try to help them communicate like normal people. It's even worse when one passes away and the other cycles between wanting endless sympathy, bashing the dead parent and telling sob stories about how they were a victim.

[Anonymous]

Old age is for many a loss of cognitive function and a return to toddlerhood.

If your parents behave like this, you are genetically inclined that way too, when the time comes.

So for your own sake, explain to your kids about diminished responsibility and model good care-taking.

[Anonymous]

OP, my parents do this to me and it has gotten way worse as they have aged. Finally, I put a hard stop to it, called it out, and only check in briefly on weekends. I keep conversations light and non confrontational and go back to my life. Once I started doing this, apparently my father called a therapist. I would bet that he won't follow through but I am not playing go-between on their 60s marital drama anymore.

[Anonymous]

If you can... have them and sibling come over for dinner

"mom dad, you know we love you guys to death and we love hearing about the good days you have together. But if the both of you are not willing to talk to a professional, please stop calling me and sis to complain about each other."

it likely wont stop it, but at least you've gotten it off your chest, and the next time one of them calls you... and they start talking about how crappy the other one is being, the phone has an off button...

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:If you can... have them and sibling come over for dinner

"mom dad, you know we love you guys to death and we love hearing about the good days you have together. But if the both of you are not willing to talk to a professional, please stop calling me and sis to complain about each other."

it likely wont stop it, but at least you've gotten it off your chest, and the next time one of them calls you... and they start talking about how crappy the other one is being, the phone has an off button...

It depends on the level of crazy. My parents-both ivy grads with fancy advanced degrees considered themselves the epitome of perfection. If we confronted them like this all hell would have broken loose and it would have erupted into them fighting even more and blaming us. With them you have to take the more passive route of just not reinforcing-change subject. You could gently and politely say "I am so sorry you are struggling. I know you will figure this out or find a top marital therapist." That would have set off yelling too, but nothing like if we ganged up on them.

[Anonymous]

Similar situation here. My parents both retired at the exact same time, and neither of them had much in the way of hobbies or decent-sized circles of friends. They refuse to travel, because of their dog. Retiring at the same time was a mistake for them, and they bicker constantly about everything. Too much togetherness. As the only child, I hear ALL about it.
Sorry, OP. No real advice, other than to try to change the subject. That works on occasion for me.

[Anonymous]

When you have kids they say if they whine to tell them

"Mommy can't hear you if you whine, try saying it nicely and I'll understand"

and it works

you need to apply the same premise to aging parents

"I'm sorry I cannot engage with this conflict. Speak to each other about it, not me."

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Refuse to be the go between

+1

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:They are aging and are getting on each other's nerves. It's like all the fractures in their marriage have turned into full-blown breaks. Dad vents to me about Mom; Mom vents about Dad. Does the same to my sister. Then expects us to be go-betweens and mediate or "talk" to the other parent about their behavior. I am sick of it.

Father outright refuses therapy. Mom is open to it but considers herself a blameless victim.

HELP. Is this a common old-person dynamic? I am sincerely about to lose it.

I respond the same way they did all the years my brother was abusing me as a child. I tell them to stop complaining and grow up.