Newly separated -- rollercoaster of emotions - ecstatic then lonely

[Anonymous]

Hi there moms, been recently separated and now that I'm settling in a little and our toddler seems to be settling in as well, I am going through a roller coaster of emotions -- first I felt liberated, ecstatic, free but when something exciting happened at work, I missed having someone to share the news with.. Is this normal? I have no desire to have the DH back in the house or go back to the state of perpetual depression and survival mode.. would love some advice. thanks

[Anonymous]

Sounds normal to me. Of course you are going to miss having someone (anyone) to talk to on an adult level. You have to remind yourself being drama-free is worth not having a sounding board living with you.

For me, I call my sister or a friend. I'm also making a pointed effort to cultivate new friendships when I meet other moms in the neighborhood, church, work - so I can have a sense of community and someone to talk to. When I was married, I let all those relationships slide and became very isolated and focused on my family. It was a deficit for when I became a single mom.

I'd say what you are feeling is totally normal. Your emotions probably won't stabilize for 6 months or so - divorce is a MAJOR life change. Even when you life normalizes, your child will hit another milestone for mentally processing the divorce all over again (~ age 5, ~10, ~15) and you'll have to navigate rocky waters again for him.

It does get better, the raw edge of the emotions wears off, you think of him less and less, attraction gets blunted if it's not already, and you reach that point where you feel neutral about him. Well, ideally anyway. It's been 13 years with my ex, and I honestly don't think about him anymore unless he's late with c/s or it's a holiday and we need to discuss our plans.

[Anonymous]

Are you in therapy? That might help. They've seen it all ...

[Anonymous]

totally normal. I've never been married, but before my daughter, I was able to date pretty frequently, and I was able to go out with friends pretty much whenever I wanted. These days I definitely feel more isolated than I used to. Single can be lonely; it's definitely inferior to being in a happy relationship. That said, it's definitely better than being in a bad relationship, so try to remember that. And definitely work on those female (and male, for that matter) friendships - if you can strike the balance between being able to share your problems without feeling like you're dumping on them all the time, your friends can really help fill the void left by a husband-shaped hole in your life. Hang in there!

[Anonymous]

I'm in the exact same boat. Sometimes I can't believe that it's actually going to happen (we're taking the separation slowly) and I get depressed when he starts the planning conversation, because I see that he's not wavering. Other times I'm so ready to be done with him and just move the hell on, and I'm annoyed that it takes a while. I don't want to put the brakes on, I really want out... but I want HIM to have second thoughts.

And I feel the same thing... something a work, a funny joke, a weird noise at night... I still default to telling him right away, but then I remember that I don't actually want his input or opinion. It's just habit. That impulse lasts a minute, I'm sad for 10 seconds, then I remind myself that the companionship came with endless drama and disappointments, and I buck right up.

[Anonymous]

OP here -- thanks for all the support and helpful advice on this post -- it's been about a month now and the more settled I become, the more emotions I am feeling -- before DH moved out, I was numb since that was the only way I could cope and function and get the separation agreement done and get him out of the house. it's definitely hitting me hard that I am on my own -- and it is lonely and scary-- especially since DH saddled me with the mortgage b/c he has been unemployed for the last two years and basically I am still paying for everything including health insurance for him. I have to remind myself and regain perspective on how bad the marriage was - that it was one way, I did all the work (literally meaning paid the mortgage, childcare, expensese for our child and the house and bail out the SOB's credit debts) while DH sat around, not even helping around the house, while he "looked for work" for two years -- this is also a repeat behavior since he did this before our child was born for three years when he was not working and since that time, he has had five jobs in four years -- getting fired every time.. but of course, it was never his fault - talk about lack of awareness and accountability! Reminding myself of all the disappointments, lack of partnership and rage I felt puts my perspectives in check that although I feel lonely and scary sometimes that I actually have hope for my and my child's future -- without rage and crazy making situation that has consumed my life for the past decade where I existed mostly in a depressed and survival mode. Anyway, would love to hear from other moms going through this and also some ideas on how to move on -- any ideas on support groups? thanks..

[Anonymous]

I'm a widow. The worst part of my "recovery" was facing the fact that I would never share my life with anyone in the same way that I did with my husband, unless I remarRied. Since I will NEVER get married again, I had to find a DIFFERENT way to share my life.

Step 1 - Do for others.