TTC has made me a crazy person

[Anonymous]

Since December of 2007 here is what I've been through/done to have a baby:

Acupuncture Feb-May 2008
HSG, B/W March 2008

Pregnant naturally after HSG May 2008; Terminated due to anencephaly August 2008

Federal employee insurance fight Feb 2009-2010 (See LIVID posts in General Parenting) Ended up paying 5000 for terminating the pregnancy.

Spent lots of time on Capitol Hill lobbying to remove the restrictive rider from Federal Employee Health Benefit Plans. 2009-2010

Started Seeing RE in Feb '09. Acupuncturist again March 2009

Two Rounds of Bravelle with TI in 2009

Started Long Lupron IVF Nov '09, cycle cancelled due to poor response, did TI BFN

Next IVF cycle Micro flare protocol Jan 2010 5 perfect eggs (according to RE); 0 fertilized (sperm issue that was unexpected, SA normal and prior pregnancy) Rescue ICSI. Two embryos transferred. BFN

Beginning my next IVF cycle once I get ok from insurance company. Insurance company balking because our MF issues are not the common ones. My husband's sperm would not even try to attach to my eggs.

I've given up:

my hard core cardio/fitness boot camp exercise
caffeine
alcohol (not a big deal)

I've been taking:

Mega doses of Folic (prior neural tube defect)
Prenatal
Vitamin D
DHA supplement
Wheatgrass (helps lower FSH, even though mine is pretty low 7.5)

I've continued acupuncture for well over a year now. I also tried herbs from the acupuncturist, but I had to stop taking them because they upset my stomach. I was in severe pain.

I'm 41 and feel a bit crazy with all this. I want to have a baby, but I feel like over the past couple of years even though I've been doing everything the doctor and the acupuncturist has recommended, I'm never going to be pregnant again.

Eat pineapple after transfer! Take baby aspirin beginning at ER! Stand on your head! Do the Hokey Pokey!

I guess I'm not asking for advice, this is just a vent, but I would welcome any encouraging words. Thanks for listening. (reading)

[Anonymous]

I'm sorry all your efforts have not yet been successful.

You are not crazy, but very dedicated and thorough, which I admire.
It also makes me concerned you are not happy going though all this.

I believe there is an important connection between your mind and body that medical technology overlooks. If you can find a way to relax and enjoy life with your DH, which I suppose also means accepting you might never have a child with your genes, then you will be happier.

And good things come to those who are happy...

[Anonymous]

It helped me to know I wasn't alone. And, trust me, you're not alone. It all does feel like the hokey pokey sometimes and you can make yourself crazy. For me, I had to get off the crazy-making merry-go-round and just take one day at a time. I cut out the acupuncture after a BFN IVF cycle and took up pilates instead because I liked it more. I took months off between cycles (though I was mid-30s at the time) and traveled/drank/kayaked/etc..

Like you, we had male factor issues, which (to be perfectly honest) made my rational side glad since those are often more easily identified and addressed. Not that there isn't still a lot of uncertainty in the whole IVF process. But once we had a handle on those issues, it felt like something was at least under mild control (though not under my control). IVF/ICSI finally worked for us on our third round (fresh (BFN), frozen (M/C) and then successful fresh (DD)).

I will say that I didn't feel like it was absolutely going to work out for us to have our "own" child, and I didn't think that believing in that was a prerequisite for success. Statistically speaking, all of this just doesn't work for some people and I finally got to a place of acceptance that we might be those people. I needed that for my own healing after the M/C. So the next time around, we didn't tell a soul what we were doing, we just marched forward one appointment and one day at a time, and at a pace that felt emotionally manageable to me. I entered therapy to get through that cycle and the early months of pregnancy just to get my internal conversations out of my head and into the air with someone who didn't know us. I've shared a link to this article before, and here it is again -- it helped me a lot to have someone articulate so well how I was feeling:
http://www.nytimes.com/2008/01/06/fashion/06love.html?_r=1.

Please be kind to yourself and do something nice for yourself every day. And know that for all of those nameless faces you pass in the Metro and on the street, there are those of us out here who know what you're going through and that you're not alone.

[Anonymous]

Poster 14:29...very well said. I'm not the OP but your statements have certainly helped me feel better. I have done a lot of similar things as the OP has and am about to start my first round of IVF with donor sperm (husbands sperm is just "bad" to put it simply). But I've am finally at a point in my life where all I can say is, "it is what it is." I have to find other ways to be happy in case having a baby does not happen for me. I don't want to waste the one chance at life that I was given. Good luck OP and to us all.

[Anonymous]

And awesome post 15:17! This post has also helped me! (Poster 15:21). Thank you!

[Anonymous]

OP. I remember those days. You are not crazy and you are not alone. Once I started talking about infertility, I learned that so many people went through the same thing. I now know people who got to their families through many different paths, but they are all families.

I have two beautiful children now and the other day I was driving behind a car with a vanity plate that said: EF FRTLES. It took me a minute, then I laughed out loud and started to give the driver a big thumbs up, only to realize that the two muchkins in the back of my car probably meant I was now the target of the curse.

You'll get to your family, one way or the other, and it will probably feel like the only right and best family you could have had, once you are there. But the road is hard. And, even if you do finally end up with kids that are biologically yours, you'll still cheer for the EF FRTLES vanity plate.

[Anonymous]

OP here. Thanks for your replies. I forgot to mention that I also tried seeing a therapist who is also a hypnotherapist to help me relax. Just getting to those appointments stressed me out as well as drained my wallet, so I stopped. I didn't feel like it helped. The relaxation techniques didn't really work for me. I tried them for months and was never able to "let go."

I also tried yoga. Lots of different styles, classes and studios. I hated all of them. I'm a hard core cardio junkie, yoga did nothing but irritate me. It felt like pretend exercise. I think it would have been fine as an addition to my hard core boot camp, but as a substitute, I was just annoyed. It was also way expensive. The place that had the most convenient classes for me was 270 for 20 sessions. If I went every day, that is a month's worth. Yikes.

Part of the reason I sound so cranky in my first post is that I am on the BC pill portion of the microflare protocol. BC pills make me bitchy. I can't wait to start stimming so I can get my generally happy mood back.

I appreciate your comments about being kind to myself, but honestly I have no idea what that means. I eat right, exercise(just much lighter than I used to), give in to junk food cravings every once in awhile, I get massages, pedicures, see friends, go on vacations, etc. My husband and I are very happy together and financially secure. I have hobbies and participate in volunteer causes that are important to me.

If any of you can tell me the secret to turning off the "What if this doesn't work?" dialog in my head, I would be very appreciative. I am generally a person that takes action to fix things and I can't seem to "fix" this, so it is making me nuts. That's why I feel like I am trying everything under the sun to have some control over this process.

Thanks for reading.

[Anonymous]

have you tried going to a support group? Resolve has some great support groups for both women and couples. Also, the accupuncturist at Heal from Within runs a great support group that is free with a $10 donation to Resolve.

For me, support groups have been key to getting through this with my sanity somewhat intact. But know that you are not alone and many women (and men) feel this way. I have to say, I felt the same way as you about giving up cardio (I love to run) and trying to do yoga instead (which I hate).

[Anonymous]

It helped me to have a clear plan with dates. Our plan was three IUIs, three IVFs, and then move onto donor eggs. Our issues were entirely about my age, one tube, and ovulating only 10 times a year. No male factor...which made TTC feel like "my job/challenge/issue", not "ours".

It helped me to sit down with a calendar and plot out our strategy. I felt better to actually say the words out loud and discuss our options. We didn't put a price limit but I know couple who did that too.

Ask all the hard questions that are in your mind- what if ICSI doesn't work...what then? Have you talked about getting a donor (egg or sperm)? What other options are available to you? Internanational donor? Family help? Serogacy?

Thank you for your work on the Hill. You have made a big difference in the lives of many woman. I wish you all the luck in the world...

[Anonymous]

15:17 again. For me, the "be kind to yourself" is for people who can get down on themselves about the whole process, as in, I shouldn't have had that coffee today b/c I'm stimming -- that kind of thing. That doesn't seem like you at all, and it does sound like you're approaching all of this in such a healthy way. And as for the dialog in your head, I'm afraid I have no secrets or good answers. That dialog was a steady drumbeat for me during the whole process; I just tried to keep it muffled in the background while bringing other stuff to the forefront. Repainting most of the rooms in the house helped (choosing paint colors was crazy-making for different reasons, but it was a great distraction!), and I did a bunch of gardening too.

[Anonymous]

I'm so sorry for everything you have been through - infertility is exhausting mentally, physically and financially.

I'm not sure if I have the answer for you on how to survive the infertility rollercoaster but I can speak from my experience of what helped us. We went through 9 IVF cycles - most with PGD to conceive our 3 kids (singleton and a set of twins). My husband has a chromosome abnormality which increases our chances of having miscarriages and a Trisomy 13 or 14 baby. We have never been pregnant without IVF. It took 4 IVFs to conceive our toddler and an additional 5 IVFs to conceive our twins. Of those 9 cycles - I was cancelled on one for poor response, had a chemical pregnancy on another and suffered from 2 ectopic pregnancies on 2 others.

I agree with the poster who said you need to have a game plan - an idea of what you are willing to do and it's ok if you deviate from that plan. But personally I'm a A type control freak and I felt like that gave me some type of control. We deviated from our plan - we said we'd do 2 more IVF cycles to conceive a sibling for our first child - when we actually did 5. But by the time we got to that last cycle we had both finally resolved that that would be our last cycle. We took a long time off from cycling between cycle #8 and #9 and it was wonderful. We felt alive again - we enjoyed ourselves again - we traveled - we ate out - we weren't bound to a schedule or a calendar like IVF requires of you. I was so sick of putting my life on hold so we could cycle - we had missed out on so much so we could stay local and go to all of those monitoring appointments, etc.

I felt like I needed to take control of my life again and stop letting infertility control us. Have an honest conversation with yourself, your husband and your medical team about how many cycles you're willing to do, what options will increase your odds for pregnancy. For us - we knew we had to put a period to this at some point. I needed to feel like we were moving forward in an efforts to have a family and if it wasn't going to be through IVF - it was going to be somehow. You can only handle so much emotionally and physically. We had decided when trying to conceive our first child that that 4th cycle would be our last - my body just couldn't take it anymore - I was responding so horribly to the highest dosage of meds. I had finally resolved that I wanted to be a mother - not pregnant. I was ok with looking at other options to expand our family other than doing IVF. It took me a long time to get there and ultimately that 4th cycle did work for whatever reason.

Sometimes I think it's a numbers game - if you try enough times that it eventually will work for you. But it's also good to have a Plan B and a Plan C in your pocket just in case. Mentally I needed to have other options as a back up plan in case IVF wasn't our path to having a family.

I think when you are cycling - you need to be positive and believe that it can work. Because if you don't believe that - than why bother going through 10 weeks of hell to try and get pregnant doing IVF. I also think it's important to remember who you were before you knew you had infertility issues - enjoy the things you used to do - don't let the cycle consume you. You need to keep your mind occupied with things other than shots, appointments, ultrasounds, etc.

And finally - I also went to see a therapist which I highly recommend - keep looking until you find one you connect with. Mine worked with my clinic and she was a life saver. I had no friends that were going through infertility. Infertility essentially destroyed my relationship with my family b/c they are strong Catholics who disapprove of IVF (and sadly treat my children differently b/c they are a result of IVF PGD). Having a neutral 3rd party to just listen to all the emotional baggage was HUGE and I think you need to be calm and clear emotionally to survive the horrible infertilty ride.

Hang in there - I hope this is the one for you.

[Anonymous]

Agree wih the PP's: you need a Plan A, Plan B, Plan C. You need someone to talk to -- Resolve was great, I too found a great therapist, my BFF is using me (which surprises me). I read a lot of books, not just about women and fertility, but funny, trash books -- a new distracting hobbby which was fun. My family wasn't supportive either but, surprisingly, I found a lot of people I knew who had been through this. They are awesome. I also planned something every other month or so that I/we could only do when not pregnant, "I'll either be PG or I'll do X" type of stuff. Like a pistol shooting class at the NRA, a cheese tasting at Cheestique in Alexandria (soft unpasturized!), night of sushi ... I think I ate a bunch of cookie dough one night. You get the idea. FWIW, I did get PG and have a healthy happy baby now. You have more people cheering you on than you know.

[Anonymous]

Op here. Thanks for all your replies.

I'm not one that gets down on myself for IF. I'll have a glass of wine every once in awhile, have advil when I'm not in the TWW, and when I said I gave up caffeine, I should have said "I've gone down to 1 8 oz cup of half caf I brewed myself." I've talked to my acupuncturist and my RE about it, and the 50mg or so of caffeine that I'm getting isn't going to be the reason I'm not getting pregnant. Honestly, for me, its not the caffeine per se, it's the umm . . .digestive effects of coffee with a little caffeine in it.

I do have a plan, sort of. My plan is to do this round of IVF down here and if it doesn't work go straight up to Cornell. I have a referral from my primary care provider alreday. (once it comes in the mail) I'm going to make an appointment because I know it takes a long time to see a doctor up there. My insurance plan right now covers 3 IVFs at 50% and we have the money to pay for our portion of those. I can also switch to another insurance plan next year (I'm a Fed) and have another 3 cycles covered at 50%. (I'm pretty sure that we could handle paying the 50% for those, too) Whether its a good idea is another story, because by that point I'll be 42.

The bigger issue becomes whether or not we spend a bunch of our savings on donor eggs or the adoption process.

The support groups are a good idea and I'll look into them. Fortunately for me I have an incredibly loving, supportive family. They will be thrilled to have a grandchild regardless of how the grandchild came to us. They will also be just fine if we don't end up with a child.

The most disturbing for me is the dialog that happens every night at 3:30-4:00 in the morning. (I fall asleep no later than 10:00 so I get some sleep every night) I have no trouble falling asleep but I regularly wake up an worry about getting pregnant and the whole process. This happened no matter how hard I worked out either. I used to do an hour of hard cardio/weights boot camp (Sargeant's Program) every morning and it didn't make a difference in my sleep. I was always up way before the alarm. Now with the BC pills I have nightmares that wake me up, instead of just waking up. I can sometimes fall back to sleep, but it is not really that restful, I'm dreaming the entire time.

I keep telling myself that I've been pregnant before, so I should be able to do it again. (The acupuncturist says that this is an advantage over a woman who has never been pregnant; the RE says that it doesn't make a difference)