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Need advice - MIL issue
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Anonymous
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Ok, I need some reality checks here to make sure I'm not completing overreacting. MIL has always been passive-aggressive with me, although I've pretty much ignored all of it in the five+ years DH and I have been married. That said, the in-laws have "forgotten" my birthday for three of the five years. I can understand once, even twice (my bday is 2 days before Xmas, a pretty crazy time no doubt), but "forgetting" three times in five years?
Then, fast forward 3 months later, MIL writes a note to her 4 kids (DH included) and 1 son-in-law, cc's me on it (I guess I'm not warranted to be on the "To" line), and says she wants all the kids to get together because 2 of the daughters and her son-in-law all have birthdays in March and she wants to have a big celebration. Finally, she also relays that, while in Vegas recently, she played all of their birthday numbers (including son-in-law), but didn't win big. Of course all numbers were listed except for 23, the number/date of my birthday. I wrote a quick response back stating that she "should have played 23" and that no, we wouldn't be traveling 2+ hours to stay the weekend up with her in order to celebrate everyone's birthday. I've pretty much just hit a wall and have decided that, if they're not going to treat me like family, then I'm not going to be part of the family. We're slated to go up for Easter weekend and MIL wants me to leave my 2.5 year-old DS up there for a few extra days. I'd rather not give the family any opportunity, so long as they continue to treat me as a second-class citizen. I hate to use my son as a punishment chip, and my husband says he has "loyalty on both sides" so he clearly has no spine. I just am sick of them walking all over me, over and over. I'm leaning strongly towards not even going this weekend, and I think my husband should back me up. What do you all think? |
sunnyskies
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| Wow, that sucks! But why do you think MIL does not like you? There must be more to this story.... |
Anonymous
| What does your husband say? Are you able to talk about it with him? Perhaps a gentle but firm conversation between him and his mom could set her straight? |
Anonymous
| The problem is your husband and not your MIL--she has become a problem because your husband has let her. I would look inside and first think if you have in fact done anything wrong and once you know you haven't, I would go to hubby. I would tell him that he needs to handle this and it's not a matter of him deciding if he is going to handle this--there is no decision, it's a defininite--he needs to tell mom that either you are included in the same way or your family will be making other plans. It's that simple. |
Anonymous
| This sucks. I'm so sorry MIL isn't using her powers for good. You're in between a rock and a hard place. You have to know it's your husband's mother and there is no changing that. Your husband might not be spineless, but feeling guilty that he loves his mom and you at the same time. It is fair to ask him to choose sides, but you have to be ready for the response. Despite everything, it is his family. My advice is start expecting nothing from MIL so you aren't disappointed. Suck it up for the obligatory family gatherings and be politely unavailable for the rest. |
Anonymous
MIL's have an image of being difficult- that is not to say all MILs are- but that's the image that most people conjure up.. Having said that- my luck- all boyfriends' mothers and I got along so great- and then I marry one who's mom is the stereotypical MIL. DH is her only son and no one is good enough- she's also passive aggressive too.. It's getting better, mostly since we have children now and see her less (since she never comes here but used to expect visits all the time). before the kids though there were a few times I just refused to go based on how she was acting towards me- but let DH go (he wanted to see his family). It was annoying since MIL "won" - she really just wanted her son to visit her so she didn't have to see me. Now with kids, DH wouldn't leave me alone for a visit unless it was an emergency etc. Basically OP- I feel for you! I would consider just not going- you haven't mentioned how DH feels or if MIL is close to your child- so I'm not sure how to give a whole answer. At one point, we went to counseling and the counselor told me (in front of DH) that I didn't have to be around someone who treated me that way- but that I would have to consider DH in some of those decisions since it hurt him too if I didn't go and we didn't get along.. She said that MIL was too old and stuck in her ways- not to count on her changing. |
Anonymous
OP here, I wish I could figure it out myself, I'm really not certain. There were all sorts of power plays and passive-aggressive actions back during the wedding planning process between my mother and my soon-to-be MIL, that should have been a warning sign right off the bat. Honestly, I can't think of anything that I've done that warrants her continued treatment (other than the fact that we bought a house here in NoVA and are raising our son [and soon-to-be daughter, due in June], when I know she's wanted us to move up to Delaware to be closer to her and the rest of the family). Yeah, DH and I have had these sort of discussions in the past and he's had some chats with his mother, but it's always as a result of me pointing out these patterns and examples. He'd prefer to live in la-la land and just think that everyone's happy and peachy. I guess we should probably see a therapist at this point.... |
Anonymous
PP here, actually I disagree with this. The counselor we saw also made the point to DH that HIS family came first- which is ME and (now but not then) and the kids. part of growing up and having your own family is that they are the priority. That is probably what most mother's have problems with- they are no longer first. |
Anonymous
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My MIL has told me to her face that she hates me. We did family get togethers, and she didn't speak to me at any of them, for SIX MONTHS. It was awful, and I absolutely dreaded seeing her, and doing family things.
My husband finally asked me, why I would worry so much about someone who doesn't like me. He was right, I stopped caring, and it greatly improved my relationship with her. It has been two years, and now, and things have greatly improved. I will even take the kids to see them, without my DH, and while it isn't the type of relationship I would have loved, and hoped to of had, it's at least civil, and not strained. |
Anonymous
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OP, probably the only thing you did wrong was marry her son. Sigh. I think you have genuine reasons to be hurt or angry but I am sort of with the PPs who suggest just lowering your expectations of her and letting it go. She's not going to change. To make myself feel better, I would plan equally passive-aggressive repartee to use on her. But I'm not what you'd call mature.
It bothers me much more that you don't feel that you can rely on your husband to notice these slights and support you. He may think that the only thing he can do is confront his mom and seeing how that is probably futile he then just wants to keep his head down and pretend it's not going on. But you're his wife and when anyone, even his mom, doesn't treat you right he should recognize that without your having to point it out to him. And even though he can't fix the problem maybe you can let him know if there is something he can do to make it easier on you. Such as, all family visits followed by trip to jewelry store. (No, really, such as taking care to remind you how awesome you are and how lucky he is!) |
Anonymous
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I had a lot of challenges with my MIL, and I can tell you - your instincts are right not to leave your son there without you. Instead of seeing your child as a "punishment chip," maybe focus on this being an environment where respect is not shown for his mother - no one should leave their child anywhere under those circumstances.
As for your husband... My husband does his best to stand up to his mom. He really tries. He also realized four years into our marriage that NOT standing up was hurting his own marriage. It isn't that I picked fights, but something more subtle. Her lack of respect, and his acquiescence made me doubt EVERYTHING about the life we'd built together. My advice to you is to figure out how to approach this with your husband so he doesn't view it as mom versus wife, but mom versus his family. Disrespect for you is disrespect for him. Finally, get past the birthday crap. She's trying to get at you in juvenile ways, and she's succeeding (note that I am talking to both you and me now...). Just stop spending energy on that. Here's my trick at family events: I answer my MIL in complete sentences, but offer no information. If I end up in a room with her and only two other people, I leave the room. I just don't engage. |
Anonymous
I think the fact that he is willing to talk to her and doesn't dismiss your concerns should count for something. I remember just in general with my relationship with my DH when we were dating, I realized if I was expecting him to just know why I was upset ...it wasn't going to happen. We thought very differently. But what impressed me was if I explained why I was upset about something, even if he didn't 100% understand, he would try to make it right. You know you can't change people and to wish it were so will just frustrate you to no end. So talking with your husband in the context of "you know how it is" so what can we do to make sure your MIL has a good relationship with the children (assuming she wants one) and minimizing your exposure to the things that drive you crazy about the situation. |
Anonymous
My goodness. I'm dealing with the SAME EXACT crap from my MIL!! She also "forgets" my birthday, "forgets" ME on Mother's Day and doesn't bother figuring me into any family stuff AT ALL. We had a great relationship before we got engaged - and then WHAM. Same thing - she had major issues with my mom during the wedding planning and has been a nightmare ever since. I was a SAHM for 3 yrs when my DH was in the Air Force and I was alone during deployments, etc. She never once called or came to visit while I was alone. The second my DH got home she called saying "It must have been so hard for you to be away" and things such as that. She never asked about me or our child and how we fared being left behind with no family or friends around (We were stationed across the country at that point). It took a long time for my DH to even stop being defensive about it. We had big fights for a few years over it and then last year he finally had enough. He no longer defends her, attempts to reach out to her, etc... We haven't seen her in about 3.5 months and she lives only 2.5 hours away. In this time, she has been on 4 weekend trips, yet claims to be too busy or financially strapped to come see us. It's very sad. MIL and I had a pretty big fight about this when our dd was a few months old. She called my DH and complained that I was keeping the baby to myself, when, in reality, my dd was VERY attached to me until she was about 2 years old. DD wouldn't go to her (and, of course, MIL kept being in her face and loud instead of letting her warm up to the situation). I brought up all of our issues, but she doesn't seem to care - 4 yrs later and it's the same old. In sum, I think by forcing you out, SHE is choosing to cut her grandchild out of her life. YOU are the mom and should be shown love and respect accordingly. You need to do what is right for your immediate family. |
Anonymous
| do most women expect their MILs to acknowledge their birthdays and mother's days and other holidays? i just thought that was interesting because i definitely don't expect that much from my MIL. if she remembers to include a present for me in the Christmas package, i feel pretty grateful. |
Anonymous
Christmas - yes, we get her a gift, it's only polite for her to reciprocate - her bday we send something small (she knows i get invloived with gifts so it's mostly from me).. i get a bday gift but i hate what she gets me.. for xmas this past year she got me a something with glitter- really tacky- something SHE would never wear- i was PISSED.. I returned it and got something less tacky but similar for her bday...she has learned ot give me gift receipts since even the kids gifts are wrong- like an 18M item for our 2+ year old.. I spend more time returning everything than anything.. one item she got at an outlet-= it cost me morein gas to return it than the item itself.. i would prefer $ to the kid's college account but she wouldn't.. |