My abusive stepfather is the reason why I struggle with men and it's bothering me
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Anonymous
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My parents never married one another, but my mom and stepfather began dating when I was less than a year old. My dad has always been in my life, but I never lived with him. My step-dad is abusive in all types of ways. He has been physically abusive to my mom, her sibling, and his biological child(even in adulthood!). He dragged me out of the house(literally) when I was having a bad day as a teen and refused to get in the car with family. My mother recently apologized to my siblings for everything that happened and said that she didn't want us to grow up without a father figure so she felt obligated to stay.
I'm so angry. During college I felt like I was forced to have sexual relationships with men because I thought if I said no, they would hit or fight me. I had horrible self esteem and confidence and didn't respect myself at all. I'm almost 40 now and I'm in a different place, but I feel so uncomfortable around men that I don't have any as friends. In my past relationships I felt like they would try to control me or always want to be right. When I'm interacting with a guy like that, I feel angry. My mom refuses to talk about any of this with us and I don't know what to do. I suppose I'm venting in frustration and anger more than anything else. |
Anonymous
| Therapy could really help you. Sorry you were abused by this awful man. |
Anonymous
| Therapy. I’m sorry too. My dad screwed up my relationship with men but your story is worse. I hope that you are in a good place now. A good marriage. Hugs to you. |
Anonymous
| You need therapy. Go easy on your mom - she did what she thought was right and turned out to be wrong. You need therapy to up your self esteem so you will pick better quality men to be friends with. |
Anonymous
| Please get therapy, OP. You can have -- and deserve -- a much happier life. |
Anonymous
No. OP does not need to easy on her mother. Her mother allowed OP and her siblings to be abused so she could have a man. I do agree OP needs therapy. |
Anonymous
Disagree. It’s okay to accept that your mom was and is a selfish idiot that put a man before her child. Sometimes it actually really helpful to accept this. Your mom should have done better, and she should listen to you now and never stop apologizing when you need to hear it. |
Anonymous
| Yep, time with a good therapist can really help you. Therapy may, initially, make you feel worse as you tear the scabs off those wounds but you need to get the pus out. I was re-traumatized when my youngest DC was about 3. Seeing the interactions between him and his older sister reminded me so much of my brother and me when we were little and I was flooded with memories of the abuse we suffered. Totally knocked me over and dysregulated me. Therapy seemed to make things worse but when I got on low dose SSRI to help me with the emotional rollercoaster, I was finally able to work through a lot of it. I'm in a really good place. You can get there, too. Don't doubt that. Hugs. |
Anonymous
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Do you know for certain that you are in a pattern of rejecting men who are not abusive? Or are you attracted to abusive men? If yes, then therapy can help you break those patterns. If not, it’s just the luck of the draw. Having a strong self of self preservation is valuable as an adult. There is nothing wrong with not having met a man who will respect you.
I’ve been there with the fear of saying no. Are you still afraid to say no? If not, then you’ve figured it out. If yes, then a therapist can help you learn to say no and trust your instincts. |
Anonymous
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I definitely attracted abusive and manipulative types when I was younger, now not so much. I broke up with my boyfriend soon to be fiance a couple of years ago because he wanted to relocate to an area that I didn't. I felt like our relationship wasn't strong enough to survive a move to an area that I wasn't excited about living in.
I have more of a backbone now. Maybe it's too strong and I've missed some opportunities because of it |