About to have a falling out with my boss

[Anonymous]

As the title says, I feel like I'm about to have a falling out with my boss. I've been in my position for 3 years and am part of a 2-person team (my boss, who is at the director level, and me). I was hired for a specific function in our department, and I have been running that function independently this entire time, with a lot of great success and accolades.

We have had some recent struggles with a certain project that have nothing to do with my performance, but rather some outside factors that are beyond our control. Nevertheless, I think she has been trying to prove to the big boss that she's doing something about it, which has resulted in a lot of busy work for me (said busy work has yielded no results). Also, I had previously taken it upon myself to start tracking certain metrics and presenting them at appropriate times. No one had previously tracked metrics for my function, this was my initiative. She has suddenly taken over developing and presenting these metrics. She also takes feedback I have given her regarding market trends relative to my function and presents them as if they are her own observations, rather than asking me to speak with them. So, suddenly I am feeling micromanaged and as if she is taking credit for some of my initiatives and recommendations.

We have always had a pretty good working relationship up until now, but I either need to address this or leave because I'm not happy with these changes. Any advice on how to present all of this if I do speak with her about it? I am leaning toward leaving anyway because of other reasons, including the crushing workload, but it might be worth a conversation.

[Anonymous]

There’s a template script for this conversation in the book “Fierce Conversations.” It’s a confrontation conversation. I use it whenever I have to have a really difficult confrontation.

[Anonymous]

Here’s the template:
(The workbook has more questions & examples to clarify each step.)

[Anonymous]

Don’t address it! How would that help? Leave if you want to leave. With a smile and best wishes.

[Anonymous]

OP, watch out and as soon as you can, get out. A boss like this is only worried about herself and will toss you under the bus a million times to save face. From what you're saying she didn't hire you, so she has no investment in keeping you on the team and happy. She's in self-protection mode. I've worked for people like this before. They're out of their league, someone dropped them into a management role without experience or training. Working for managers like this is a nightmare. You need to get away from her. You can try to confront her but again, this is about her protecting herself, not about the project, and not about helping you.

[Anonymous]

PP here. One question for you. Are most of the top-level managers there, including her manager, male? If you're female dealing with a female boss, the men usually don't get involved in disputes. They let the chips fall however they fall and they'll allow her to do what she wants. A much older woman once told me that when there's a female boss working beneath male managers, the insecure ones will micromanage like no one's business-- and even bully-- their female staffer to show the men they can be tough, too. Rightfully so, they want the guys to respect them, but they go about it in the wrong way. And if that female staffer is smart and well-liked, heaven help her.

[Anonymous]

Way to stereotype PP.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Way to stereotype PP.

PP here. I've seen it too many times in some male-dominated industries. Some women managers need to support their female staffers better and stop seeing everyone as a threat. Otherwise, the men just kick back and watch it. I've seen male managers use an inexperienced lower-level woman manager to do their dirty work by allowing her to bully her female staffers. It never, ever ends well. The problem is there aren't many older, experienced women managers in larger orgs. Despite their experience and education, many face age discrimination or have to become independent contractors to survive.

[Anonymous]

New poster here: I agree that many of the men often feel that the best or sometimes only option is to stand back and let the chips fall where they may.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Way to stereotype PP.

PP here. I've seen it too many times in some male-dominated industries. Some women managers need to support their female staffers better and stop seeing everyone as a threat. Otherwise, the men just kick back and watch it. I've seen male managers use an inexperienced lower-level woman manager to do their dirty work by allowing her to bully her female staffers. It never, ever ends well. The problem is there aren't many older, experienced women managers in larger orgs. Despite their experience and education, many face age discrimination or have to become independent contractors to survive.

Age is not the key factor here. Older women can be just as vicious as younger women, and experience helps them bully others more effectively.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Here’s the template:
(The workbook has more questions & examples to clarify each step.)

Thanks! I'm going to practice this and see how it sounds given the details of my situation.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:PP here. One question for you. Are most of the top-level managers there, including her manager, male? If you're female dealing with a female boss, the men usually don't get involved in disputes. They let the chips fall however they fall and they'll allow her to do what she wants. A much older woman once told me that when there's a female boss working beneath male managers, the insecure ones will micromanage like no one's business-- and even bully-- their female staffer to show the men they can be tough, too. Rightfully so, they want the guys to respect them, but they go about it in the wrong way. And if that female staffer is smart and well-liked, heaven help her.

OP here. She reports to our CEO, who is male, as are all of the other execs. There is definitely some sexism at play and she is treated with less respect than the men (mostly just by the CEO). In the past, she has been accused of not properly managing an employee who was ultimately terminated and also accused of not being tough enough on previous employees. At times I have seen her overcompensate to prove that she can in fact be tough. I would say that I am smart and well-liked and get praise from execs and have really great working relationships with other departments that I interact with. Honestly, she is in a tough spot herself and I'm surprised she hasn't left already with the way she is treated sometimes.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:PP here. One question for you. Are most of the top-level managers there, including her manager, male? If you're female dealing with a female boss, the men usually don't get involved in disputes. They let the chips fall however they fall and they'll allow her to do what she wants. A much older woman once told me that when there's a female boss working beneath male managers, the insecure ones will micromanage like no one's business-- and even bully-- their female staffer to show the men they can be tough, too. Rightfully so, they want the guys to respect them, but they go about it in the wrong way. And if that female staffer is smart and well-liked, heaven help her.

OP here. She reports to our CEO, who is male, as are all of the other execs. There is definitely some sexism at play and she is treated with less respect than the men (mostly just by the CEO). In the past, she has been accused of not properly managing an employee who was ultimately terminated and also accused of not being tough enough on previous employees. At times I have seen her overcompensate to prove that she can in fact be tough. I would say that I am smart and well-liked and get praise from execs and have really great working relationships with other departments that I interact with. Honestly, she is in a tough spot herself and I'm surprised she hasn't left already with the way she is treated sometimes.

She's probably unhappy but it sounds like she's in "it's them not me mode" and you're "them."

[Anonymous]

OP here. I was just thinking of something else. She put an action committee into place last week where stakeholders will convene when a project is behind by a certain amount. We will gather and brainstorm about how to move things along. We had one of these meetings regarding the struggling project last week and had the same conversations that have already been had all along, just more informally.

On Friday I passed a significant milestone with the project and she said, "See?! My action committee is working!" Her action committee had nothing to do with my work. Ugh. So over it.

[Anonymous]

The sad part is staffs work the boss gets credit or blame.

Let’s say I have a piece of shit staff causing me to be behind schedule and a great staff member.

I am getting dinged in the crappy guy. I may be writing him up or have him on probation.

It is human nature to try to grab good news to off set the bad news

It is a balance. You need credit he or she is trying to prove their net worth