When they don’t apologize

[Anonymous]

I’ve had an IL say some vile and hurtful things to me in the distant past. Due to some upcoming changes, I will likely be int his person’s company periodically, when I was able to avoid them previously. They’ve never apologized for the things they’ve said to me, and it’s been nearly 20 years since the blowup. I have a hard time forgiving and forgetting their treatment of me. I can be civil and largely ignore this person when I will be in their company, but do I need to be friendly? I don’t think I can do that until an apology comes. What’s the best way to handle being around someone who has treated you horribly and never apologized?

[Anonymous]

No. You do not need to be friendly. That would let them get away with their bad behavior

[Anonymous]

Being civil is good enough.

[Anonymous]

It's been 20 years, the apology is not coming.

I would be cordial but cool and limit contact and conversation as much as possible.

[Anonymous]

A few sessions with a therapist will help you.

[Anonymous]

If a big gathering, it should be easy to avoid. If you are face-to-face, a simple “Hello” would be all I could offer. No, “How are you” type phases. In your head, pretend they are a stranger.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:If a big gathering, it should be easy to avoid. If you are face-to-face, a simple “Hello” would be all I could offer. No, “How are you” type phases. In your head, pretend they are a stranger.

+1 .....a stranger but someone you know is untrustworthy and you should make no effort to get to know

[Anonymous]

Never expect apologies.

You don’t need to be friends, you don’t even need to be civil, OP. If you don’t like them, you don’t like them, end of story.

[Anonymous]

On a tangent so your spouse's parent does some wrong to you as an adult its ok to cut them off but if its your own parent has been abusive for years when you had no say as a child then dcum says to send a card and mend the relationship why?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:On a tangent so your spouse's parent does some wrong to you as an adult its ok to cut them off but if its your own parent has been abusive for years when you had no say as a child then dcum says to send a card and mend the relationship why?

I don’t know that anyone would say that. I certainly wouldn’t without knowing the circumstances of your relationship. It’s obviously very complicated.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:On a tangent so your spouse's parent does some wrong to you as an adult its ok to cut them off but if its your own parent has been abusive for years when you had no say as a child then dcum says to send a card and mend the relationship why?

I know what thread you're talking about. It was one person. Stop being so dramatic and obtuse.

[Anonymous]

Be cordial

[Anonymous]

It’s been 20 years... wtf. Just be cordial. It’s absurd that you think you won’t be able to be civil with someone after that long. It was probably a ridiculous thing that offset the whole issue, too

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:It’s been 20 years... wtf. Just be cordial. It’s absurd that you think you won’t be able to be civil with someone after that long. It was probably a ridiculous thing that offset the whole issue, too

It would be absurd to take advice from someone who doesn't know the difference between 'cordial' and 'civil'.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:If a big gathering, it should be easy to avoid. If you are face-to-face, a simple “Hello” would be all I could offer. No, “How are you” type phases. In your head, pretend they are a stranger.

+1 .....a stranger but someone you know is untrustworthy and you should make no effort to get to know

+2 This would be 'civil' behavior. You do not need to be 'cordial'.