I don’t know what I’ll do if my dad passes first.

[Anonymous]

I just need to say this out loud.

I have a catastrophic fear of my mother outliving my father.

I’m an only child. My mother is extremely codependent on my father. She has diagnosed anxiety and depression she refuses to treat. She has isolated herself from everyone but me, has no friends, no family members. She has quite literally burned every single bridge. I do love my mother, but retaining anything other than a transactional relationship with her at this point is challenging. She’s NOT a pleasant person. The day could be perfect with everything going according to plan and she would find something to complain about. And everything makes her SO anxious.

I don’t know if I’ll be able to handle her if my dad passes, and it terrifies me. She’s so needy, and I know I can’t fill that void. I have fantasies where I abandon her, and I’m not even that upset about it.

I don’t know how I’m going to do this. I’m absolutely terrified.

[Anonymous]

When you get this thought cycle in your head find some sort of activity to do, to get your mind on something else. There is no reason to worry about this until it actually happens.

I also think it is perfectly reasonable to have a fantasy where you just abandon your mom. I have a very critical mother and frequently have imaginary conversations with her where I tell her "where to go". It always makes me feel better.

[Anonymous]

You'd be surprised what some people can do once their crutch is gone. My mother had no one in her life except my stepfather. Then he died, and now she's doing just fine with a couple of casual acquiantance/friends and two dogs she rescued on a whim one day.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I just need to say this out loud.

I have a catastrophic fear of my mother outliving my father.

I’m an only child. My mother is extremely codependent on my father. She has diagnosed anxiety and depression she refuses to treat. She has isolated herself from everyone but me, has no friends, no family members. She has quite literally burned every single bridge. I do love my mother, but retaining anything other than a transactional relationship with her at this point is challenging. She’s NOT a pleasant person. The day could be perfect with everything going according to plan and she would find something to complain about. And everything makes her SO anxious.

I don’t know if I’ll be able to handle her if my dad passes, and it terrifies me. She’s so needy, and I know I can’t fill that void. I have fantasies where I abandon her, and I’m not even that upset about it.

I don’t know how I’m going to do this. I’m absolutely terrified.

Therapy for you.

Therapy and medication for her. She doesn’t have to live that way.

[Anonymous]

Been there. You let her know your concerns if it happens and encourage therapy and meds. In my case I was screamed at. You share your concerns with her doctors so they will push to evaluate. Make it clear how impaired she is-has dropped all friends, etc. Meds make a HUGE difference. Therapy helps too, but mine refused therapy. The challenge then became every time she felt good she insisted on going off meds and became a nightmare again.

Also, don't enable her. My mother became so needy and I kept the boundary through tantrums. Over time she reached out to friends and renewed those relationships. She is much happy on meds with peer friends than she could ever be if I tried to be her world. My family and I prefer seeing her when she is like this too.

[Anonymous]

So you say your mother has anxiety. And then you tell us all about how you won't be able to stand your mother if she doesn't have your father,, who to be clear, is NOT dying.

Perhaps you have anxiety too. Maybe you should get that treated so your kids don't feel about you the way you feel about your mother.

[Anonymous]

OP, I get what you are saying. It’s not anxiety if it’s a situation that is coming in the future and you feel trapped. It’s difficult for non-only-children to understand this pressure.

I have the same concern in reverse. If my father outlives my mother, it’s going to be a disaster. That’s not likely to happen as his health is worse than hers, but I do have a plan for this possibly. Talk to your lawyer. You probably will end up managing her (that’s better for you than a court appointed guardian), but you can get help.

[Anonymous]

Don't borrow trouble. Worry about this if and when you have to

[Anonymous]

Not to be mean, but you're more like your mom than you think. Is your dad ill? Why are you having these thoughts? You never know what will happen in life. Your mother could surprise you.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:So you say your mother has anxiety. And then you tell us all about how you won't be able to stand your mother if she doesn't have your father,, who to be clear, is NOT dying.

Perhaps you have anxiety too. Maybe you should get that treated so your kids don't feel about you the way you feel about your mother.

Well put!

[Anonymous]

I will raise you:

My mother is disabled and dependent on my father for feeding, mobility and care, her personality is exactly like your mother’s, they live on another continent, and I am an only child.

So yes, my worst nightmare is my father dying or losing his mind before my mother passes.

[Anonymous]

OP, I understand this is my nightmare scenario but unlike you I have no contact as she has been and is an abusive narcissist. Contact with her is out of question for my own mental sanity. I have been thinking to ask my dad to pay for assisted living and I am willing to contribute all the funds so I don't have to deal with her. They live in a different country and retirement communities are not as common so I am hesitant talking to my dad as he might find it offensive. But might be an option for you if you are financially able.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Not to be mean, but you're more like your mom than you think. Is your dad ill? Why are you having these thoughts? You never know what will happen in life. Your mother could surprise you.

+1 You, too, sound like you have anxiety. If you don't already, speak with a counselor to help you manage this fear you have and, if nothing else, plan for it.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Not to be mean, but you're more like your mom than you think. Is your dad ill? Why are you having these thoughts? You never know what will happen in life. Your mother could surprise you.

+1 You, too, sound like you have anxiety. If you don't already, speak with a counselor to help you manage this fear you have and, if nothing else, plan for it.

+2 And don't pass your anxiety and catastrophizing on to your kids. This is how families stay messed up for generations.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP, I get what you are saying. It’s not anxiety if it’s a situation that is coming in the future and you feel trapped. It’s difficult for non-only-children to understand this pressure.

I have the same concern in reverse. If my father outlives my mother, it’s going to be a disaster. That’s not likely to happen as his health is worse than hers, but I do have a plan for this possibly. Talk to your lawyer. You probably will end up managing her (that’s better for you than a court appointed guardian), but you can get help.

What kind of help?