How to relatively gracefully exit a first date?

[Anonymous]

In general, I have a hard time saying no and tend to be a bit of a people pleaser which I’m trying to work on. I’ve been online dating, and I never know how to end a first date. I feel bad or like there’s never a right time to say okay bye!!! I know it’s my issue so please help!! How do you handle this? I’m not miserable but they end up going on too long. It seems like I’d be interrupting the guy mid-sentence and is abrupt but I don’t know how to do it gracefully. I feel way too responsible for their feelings (also know they don’t really care and will certainly get over my departure in 29 seconds)

[Anonymous]

Can you describe a little bit more about what you mean? Are you trying to leave early because the date isn't going well or is this at the end of the date and you're still sitting around talking and you can't figure out how to say you're leaving?

If its the end of the date, start to gather up your stuff. Give some visual clues that you're getting ready to go. Check the time on your phone. Set your bag on the table or on your lap. Look at your watch or whatever. He will notice and pick up on your cues. Then you can say something like "I hate to cut the conversation short but I actually have to do X today. It was really nice getting together!" and then you can say your goodbyes and that's that.

[Anonymous]

"It was really nice meeting you. I'm about to turn into a pumpkin so let me say good night now."

"I need to get running over to an appointment to get my dog's anal glands expressed now, but thanks again for the coffee."

[Anonymous]

You can also set up your exit when you meet or when you are setting up the date. "I'm really looking forward to meeting! Just letting you know, I'll need to leave by 4:00 for my shift at the rat rescue.

[Anonymous]

There's always the Irish goodbye if you are feeling desperate to leave and your date doesn't notice.

[Anonymous]

Its been lovely talking to you. Its been a really long day and its time for bed (or I need to get ready for tomorrow). Thank you so much. Take care.

[Anonymous]

I think, particularly if this is repeatedly a problem for first dates, and you're a people pleaser, I'd have something "scheduled" for later. You don't have to say anything in advance, but if, for example, you're meeting for a drink at 6pm, say something when you get there like "the timing of this is perfect - I have plans nearby at 8." Your "plans" can be walking home.

Otherwise - I would think about how you handle this with friends. If you want to get together for a couple drinks, but don't want to be out late, what do you say? Before/during/as you're winding down? Whatever it is, you can say the same thing, it's just a regular social interaction.

If you're such a people pleaser that you always let the other person decide how long a social activity lasts, that's an extreme case, and it might be worth your time to spend a couple sessions with a therapist to figure out why you're so comfortable dismissing your own preferences.

[Anonymous]

set a time for a meeting or something that you talk about in advance, say, i would love to go, I will need to leave by xwy time to get to ... so let's go ahead and meet up.

[Anonymous]

Only meet for coffee for a first date. Problem solved.

[Anonymous]

Always say I can meet at X time until X time. If it goes well, then there is a second date.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:You can also set up your exit when you meet or when you are setting up the date. "I'm really looking forward to meeting! Just letting you know, I'll need to leave by 4:00 for my shift at the rat rescue.

Exactly. The first meeting should never be a full on date. It shouldn’t last more than an hour at most. You meet for coffee or a walk or one drink ans say at the outset that you have something to leave for.

I used to schedule 2-3 of these meetings back to back because I’m lazy and don’t like getting dolled up haha, so I had to make the most of it whenever I did.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Always say I can meet at X time until X time. If it goes well, then there is a second date.

That’s not a bad idea. I generally don’t actually have plans after the coffee/afternoon meetups more like I’ve hit my limit chatting with a stranger. Not sure why I feel opposed to lying and saying I have an appointment or a friend to meet. I’ve done it in the past and somehow it seems super obvious that I’m fibbing. Maybe that’s just me inside my head though and the other person has no idea.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Only meet for coffee for a first date. Problem solved.

Even with a coffee it can really drag on especially if the service isn’t great at the cafe. I met for a happy hour drink yesterday and the empty glasses were in front of us for awhile. I totally flubbed it instead of saying I have to go bye! I said I have to put more money in my meter bc I felt bad to end the conservation. Yikes I know I need to work on this people pleasing habit and give more weight to my own preferences. Any tips?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Only meet for coffee for a first date. Problem solved.

Even with a coffee it can really drag on especially if the service isn’t great at the cafe. I met for a happy hour drink yesterday and the empty glasses were in front of us for awhile. I totally flubbed it instead of saying I have to go bye! I said I have to put more money in my meter bc I felt bad to end the conservation. Yikes I know I need to work on this people pleasing habit and give more weight to my own preferences. Any tips?

I get Starbucks and do not sit down until we both have our drinks. A coffee date should be 45 min to 1 hr. "I'm doing X soon so I better get going. It was great meeting you."

[Anonymous]

I set the expectation before meeting up. So I’ll let him know “I’m available 4-5pm Thursday. Meet for coffee?” Then when I get there, I’ll reiterate right when the date starts that I have to leave at 5.

It’s also useful when you have a date with someone who doesn’t respect your time. I had a date once with a guy who was 40 minutes late (not because of traffic or anything reasonable, he just didnt make it a priority) and I told him he had 20 minutes. That way I didn’t feel obliged to stay a full hour, which would have made me hate myself for not drawing boundaries.