Dealing with rejection

[Anonymous]

If you are rejected by in-laws how do you manage it?

Let's say you've never had a falling-out over anything significant. You have a MIL, FIL, SIL, BIL who is not outright rude but essentially ignores you and will not communicate with you despite your efforts to reach out. It's been this way since the first time you met them. They made it clear from day one they were not into you and many years later it hasn't changed.

How do most people deal with this over the long term? How does your spouse deal with their family member rejecting you? How does it impact your relationship with your spouse? How do you manage holidays, birthdays, children's births, etc. when the rejector does not acknowledge nor include you and yours?

[Anonymous]

No reason to spend time with anyone you don't like

[Anonymous]

Stop caring. It’s really their loss. DH is from another culture that puts a supreme emphasis on women’s appearance. His family met me and thought I wasn’t attractive enough for this son. I’m white, with a graduate-level education, and dress conservatively. We just don’t have anything in common. SIL are always starving themselves and buying $100 face cream. I’m just a regular woman not trying to be a supermodel. I stopped caring what they think and we live 1000 miles apart. Out of sight out of mind.

[Anonymous]

What is your spouses reaction to all of this?

[Anonymous]

Spouse should be standing up for you or cutting back on his family interactions too. Men don't let their families abuse their wives.

[Anonymous]

Rejecting a relative is rude. Ignoring someone is rude. Deliberately not including someone is rude. Your DH should be addressing the behavior with his family. If they cannot be polite/civil to you, he must choose: you or them. You don't need to like each other, you don't need to be friends, you don't have to care for each other. You do have to be polite/civil to each other.

BTDT

[Anonymous]

Stop caring. Focus on people who do appreciate and care for you. They really don’t sound like kind people. Life is too short to worry over people like that - not worth your time.

[Anonymous]

I stopped trying to win them over and DH calls once a month.

[Anonymous]

Sometimes it's subtle. No one will say, "I reject OP" but you'll notice you're not mentioned in the family newsletter or included in any of the family photos in the Christmas photo card. DH doesn't notice but he doesn't take in the details like I do. However, I do notice and keep it to myself. If anything, I'm not going out on a limb for said relatives nor opening my home to them.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I stopped trying to win them over and DH calls once a month.

How often do you see them in person

[Anonymous]

Realize that relationships are two-way streets. Relationships develop ORGANICALLY.

It's great that you have an expectation of closeness with your in-laws Because Family, but they might not share that same view of in-law relationships.

If you come across as pushy, clingy, needy, high-expectation, you may be turning them off.

What do THEIR cues tell you about the type of relationship they want with YOU?

If their cues tell you "We'll be cordial, but we don't want to be close," then move on and go focus on your relationship with family and friends you have a natural, organic, genuine bond with.

Life's too short to be barking up a disinterested tree.

Cordial is fine.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Spouse should be standing up for you or cutting back on his family interactions too. Men don't let their families abuse their wives.

"Abuse" would be outright hostility and rudeness, which is not what's happening here. They're polite-but-distant, yes? That's fine. Not everyone is going to adore and want to be super close with everyone.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Realize that relationships are two-way streets. Relationships develop ORGANICALLY.

It's great that you have an expectation of closeness with your in-laws Because Family, but they might not share that same view of in-law relationships.

If you come across as pushy, clingy, needy, high-expectation, you may be turning them off.

What do THEIR cues tell you about the type of relationship they want with YOU?

If their cues tell you "We'll be cordial, but we don't want to be close," then move on and go focus on your relationship with family and friends you have a natural, organic, genuine bond with.

Life's too short to be barking up a disinterested tree.

Cordial is fine.

This! I'm the OP who posted about my SIL messaging me to by stuff from her. I'm puzzled as to why she thinks she's entitled to my purchase when I don't even get a mention in any of her holiday cards or photos. So I would add, don't come across as disingenous like my SIL. Reaching out only when it suits you; it just reeks of ulterior motives.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Spouse should be standing up for you or cutting back on his family interactions too. Men don't let their families abuse their wives.

"Abuse" would be outright hostility and rudeness, which is not what's happening here. They're polite-but-distant, yes? That's fine. Not everyone is going to adore and want to be super close with everyone.

When you "nothing" a person, that is abuse.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Realize that relationships are two-way streets. Relationships develop ORGANICALLY.

It's great that you have an expectation of closeness with your in-laws Because Family, but they might not share that same view of in-law relationships.

If you come across as pushy, clingy, needy, high-expectation, you may be turning them off.

What do THEIR cues tell you about the type of relationship they want with YOU?

If their cues tell you "We'll be cordial, but we don't want to be close," then move on and go focus on your relationship with family and friends you have a natural, organic, genuine bond with.

Life's too short to be barking up a disinterested tree.

Cordial is fine.

I guess rudeness develops ORGANICALLY also.