DS is super annoying in online gaming

[Anonymous]

My 11yo DS has really bad online persona.
He drove DH crazy playing Fortnite together and now that DS has branched into his own discord groups he keeps getting dropped by his clans or groups or whatever.
DH has tried to inform him several times that he needs to talk less, be less combative/toxic as they say and more humble.

He is pretty good at the games he plays on line and from what I can hear sounds obnoxious at times; then he gets kicked out of his “friends” group and pouts for a few days. It is sad to see some the chat
Messages but DH says this may be a way for him to learn to chill out more on line.

Anyone gone through this? It is like teaching a kid social skills for the internet but not sure how to do it.

Thanks!

[Anonymous]

I think your DH is right, but that you might add a layer of specificity and help. Your son won't listen to you or care that you don't like his language, but he will and does care that he is being kicked out of groups where he wants to play. So after that happens you could sit down with him and ask him why it happened, and ask him why he responds the way he does and whether he can think of other ways to talk/be when he gets all wound up.

It can be really hard to figure out for a kid, I think. Some boasting and trash talk is expected, but there is a line. Where the line is depends on the existing friendships, plus how "good" the kid is - better players are expected to be more boastful. A trash talking kid who isn't good will get dropped sooner because he isn't earning his trash talking. I'm not defending this, just explaining. It is just like our boys had to learn to navigate games on the playground with all their implicit social rules that some kids just "get" and other kids really don't understand until they are taught or they mature. You can help teach your kid how to bite his tongue or take a break when he is angry, or to avoid certain words, or simply not engage with certain people who make him angry when playing.

He'll learn - most kids do. But it is more pleasant for everyone if he doesn't learn the hard way.

[Anonymous]

Natural consequences at work.... If he's pouting just point out that there is an easy way to get to stay in the group...

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Natural consequences at work.... If he's pouting just point out that there is an easy way to get to stay in the group...

This - - it is just like the playground, except he won't get a literal black eye.

[Anonymous]

Think about if he often has trouble reading and responding to social cues and managing his impulsive behavior, or if it’s specific to online gaming. If he keeps doing the exact same thing over and over without learning a lesson, and if it’s affecting his social life or self esteem, it might be worth considering if it’s a problem he’s able to handle on his own or if he needs more coaching/help.

[Anonymous]

Is it a lack of impulse control? Screen time does a number on brains, and if he has weak impulse control or borderline adhd behavior to begin with, it could exacerbate it. I had one of my kids with impulse control issues do Mightier, which is for adhd but the entire point of the game is controlling your own heart rate while playing a video game. It really made a difference in the other video game behavior!

[Anonymous]

I would stop allowing him to play. He needs to grow up. Have him stop for six months and then see if he's matured any.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I would stop allowing him to play. He needs to grow up. Have him stop for six months and then see if he's matured any.

As opposed to just having a conversation with the kid???

Seriously?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:My 11yo DS has really bad online persona.
He drove DH crazy playing Fortnite together and now that DS has branched into his own discord groups he keeps getting dropped by his clans or groups or whatever.
DH has tried to inform him several times that he needs to talk less, be less combative/toxic as they say and more humble.

He is pretty good at the games he plays on line and from what I can hear sounds obnoxious at times; then he gets kicked out of his “friends” group and pouts for a few days. It is sad to see some the chat
Messages but DH says this may be a way for him to learn to chill out more on line.

Anyone gone through this? It is like teaching a kid social skills for the internet but not sure how to do it.

Thanks!

A lot of socially awkward boys do this.They are a completely different person online graphic, in your face, inappropriate etc. Of course, they would never be this way in person for risk of getting their asses kicked. This is why social media is corrupting children.

[Anonymous]

Yes I am dealing with this as well. But the natural consequences are effective. He knows what he's doing wrong and has worked on his behavior. If I feel like he's getting too emotional over it I make him take a break and doing something else for awhile.

[Anonymous]

I’d stop letting him watch YouTube. I bet it’s the idiot gamers who talk constantly, yell all the time and are generally annoying (but admittedly have millions of views) who are setting the bad example. My DS was picking up terrible habits from them. Much better once we banned YouTube, for that and a million other reasons.

[Anonymous]

Screen time does a number on brains, and if he has weak impulse control or borderline adhd behavior to begin with, it could exacerbate it.

I don't think that alone could explain it. My son has moderate ADHD, for which he take medication twice a day. Yet, I have never heard him be impolite during gaming, nor has anyone ever complained that he was, nor have friends declined to play with him. I think something else must be at play - could be something that is ofter co-morbid with ADHD.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I’d stop letting him watch YouTube. I bet it’s the idiot gamers who talk constantly, yell all the time and are generally annoying (but admittedly have millions of views) who are setting the bad example. My DS was picking up terrible habits from them. Much better once we banned YouTube, for that and a million other reasons.

This PP makes a good point. But OP you and your DH are right to tackle this. Some kids don't just "figure it out" on their own. Have you discussed the chat messages from DS' friends?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:My 11yo DS has really bad online persona.
He drove DH crazy playing Fortnite together and now that DS has branched into his own discord groups he keeps getting dropped by his clans or groups or whatever.
DH has tried to inform him several times that he needs to talk less, be less combative/toxic as they say and more humble.

He is pretty good at the games he plays on line and from what I can hear sounds obnoxious at times; then he gets kicked out of his “friends” group and pouts for a few days. It is sad to see some the chat
Messages but DH says this may be a way for him to learn to chill out more on line.

Anyone gone through this? It is like teaching a kid social skills for the internet but not sure how to do it.

Thanks!

You are allowing your kid to play violent games and complaining?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I would stop allowing him to play. He needs to grow up. Have him stop for six months and then see if he's matured any.

I literally recommend the opposite!

This sounds like such a great learning opportunity -- low stakes, endless opportunities to help him learn the cycle of behavioral change. If he can learn to observe himself in real situations, then reflect on how he's showing up and the impact he has on others (including their responses to him), that's everything at his age.

It's not easy for some kids/teens (or adults!) to slow down and step back enough to reflect on their choices and consider tweaking them. But as a parent, you can definitely help coach him. My advice is to do it with questions, not advice. Let him figure it out himself, but with leading questions when needed, and a whole lot of support and encouragement that you know he can find a way to make it work.

If you want to give a little more help, prompt him to "experiment" with a different way of showing up. Not forever - but like trying on a different persona. One that is more X and less Y. Then help him think about how it went, and maybe tweak it a bit more next time. Low stakes, experiential learning!!