How long did it take you to feel normal (and not anxious) in a relationship?

[Anonymous]

I was in a marriage that was very....stressful. Always walking on eggshells, and it gave me a ton of anxiety.

I’m in a new relationship, and even though he’s an amazing and kind man, it’s been hard for me to shake the constant anxiety. For example, when I stayed over last weekend, I was anxious about how much room my toiletries took up because I didn’t want him to get “mad” I was invading his space. Or when I accidentally spilled something, I panicked that he’d get angry, when in reality he didn’t care and even cleaned it up himself.

It’s so stupid, because he’s the most kind, gentle, and patient man I’ve ever met, and he’s totally crazy about me. But I still can’t shake the underlying anxiety I have from my previous marriage that one misstep can result in a blowup.

Anyone else been through this? How long did it take you to get over the anxiety?

[Anonymous]

Therapy. It took therapy.

[Anonymous]

I have a book suggestion for you: Attached: The New Science of Adult Attachment and How It Can Help YouFind - and Keep - Love
It discusses the 3 adult attachment types (you would be the anxious type) and it teaches you about yourself and partners styles. It helps you to see your relationships in a new way.


https://www.amazon.com/Attached-Science-Adult-Attachment-YouFind/dp/1585429139

[Anonymous]

Would this new guy work with you on this? His affirmation would be very helpful in your healing.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I have a book suggestion for you: Attached: The New Science of Adult Attachment and How It Can Help YouFind - and Keep - Love
It discusses the 3 adult attachment types (you would be the anxious type) and it teaches you about yourself and partners styles. It helps you to see your relationships in a new way.


https://www.amazon.com/Attached-Science-Adult-Attachment-YouFind/dp/1585429139

• Anxious people are often preoccupied with their relationships and tend to worry about their partner's ability to love them back
• Avoidant people equate intimacy with a loss of independence and constantly try to minimize closeness.
• Secure people feel comfortable with intimacy and are usually warm and loving.

It takes about 6 mo of frequent interaction before people take their mask off

[Anonymous]

It took a long time for me, and a lot of therapy (EMDR made a huge difference because my previous relationship and circumstances were very traumatic). You don’t give a lot of details about your past relationship, but walking on eggshells for a sustained amount of time can cause a trauma response, and require trauma therapy to heal from. My now husband really pushed me to get therapy and really helped me to be able to get better.