5 year old ruminating on "bullying" that happened 2+ years ago

[Anonymous]

My 5 year old is doing as well as any in the pandemic - stressed, bored, ready to get back to normal, but generally happy with her pod and in good spirits. She's not an anxious kid normally, but may be showing some symptoms lately. She's recently been talking about constant stomach aches, and saying she's sad. When I ask why she's sad she says it's because she can't stop thinking about some mean girl dynamics that happened at preschool TWO YEARS ago. I don't even remember it being a big deal at the time, but I guess a group of girls were exclusionary and picked on some of the other kids. Now she's telling me all kinds of details and clearly thinking about it a lot. Is this just something she's fixating on because she needs somewhere to channel the stress and anxiety we're all feeling? Is this a symptom of anxiety? It's totally foreign to me, but maybe something other kids do?

* When she brings it up we talk about bullies and how to handle mean kids, and try to work through the feelings and talk about how she can handle situations like that next time. She's with her life long BFF now, so I'm sure she's not experiencing any bullying currently.

[Anonymous]

I’m sorry your child is ruminating on things that she recalls happening when she was 3?! And you’re characterizing what happened as bullying and fixating on it?

This doesn’t make sense.

Yes I’d say she is anxious and could use a therapist. Stat.

[Anonymous]

Could it be something new is going on and she’s using the older bullying events as a proxy?

[Anonymous]

My dd does this as well. She's 4.5. She has an anxious personality and I often don't know the right words to say. (Although I know not to say "get over it") She ruminates on things that dh and I would never think about. We talk through a lot of her anxieties, but then she's bringing them up more and more, so maybe that's not the right thing.

We give her scripts to say to bullies "that's not very nice of you to say. I like myself." or that hurts people's feelings when you're mean. We also have her go play with other kids who are lonely. I told her they might be looking for a friend and wouldn't she feel nice if someone came up and asked her to play? (my daughter is more extroverted than most).

[Anonymous]

Let her talk it through. Ask her questions. Validate her feelings without exaggerating them. Don't jump too quickly to "how to handle bullies," because that skips the part where she processes her emotions.

After she gets her feelings out, you can agree that X can make people feel bad, but that knowing how to handle X can make you feel better, and talking through some ways to handle X.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I’m sorry your child is ruminating on things that she recalls happening when she was 3?! And you’re characterizing what happened as bullying and fixating on it?

This doesn’t make sense.

Yes I’d say she is anxious and could use a therapist. Stat.

Your child IS an anxious child.
A 3 year-old is NOT a bully.
Your child is not doing as well as any other child during a pandemic. Your child is struggling and needs help.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Could it be something new is going on and she’s using the older bullying events as a proxy?

OP here. It’s definitely this. She’s feeling pandemic blues and is looking for something stressful (that probably gave her similar feelings at the time) to channel the sense of general malaise onto. Like I said, she’s not generally an anxious kid so this is new for all of us and really not something that seems out of hand (yet).

I said bullying because today was the first time I actually called it that when we were talking. I think it was cliquey behavior and kids saying “you can’t play with us because you have/aren’t X (not wearing a dress, have short hair, aren’t girly enough).” Calling it bullying helped her sort of retroactively understand what was going on and think about it differently. Maybe it will help the ruminating? But then I really wonder if she’ll latch onto something else to attach her feelings to? Has anyone had this dredging up of ancient history and is it usually a sign of anxiety? What helps besides therapy and talking through the incident? Any specific tools or tips that you’ve found useful?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I’m sorry your child is ruminating on things that she recalls happening when she was 3?! And you’re characterizing what happened as bullying and fixating on it?

This doesn’t make sense.

Yes I’d say she is anxious and could use a therapist. Stat.

Your child IS an anxious child.
A 3 year-old is NOT a bully.
Your child is not doing as well as any other child during a pandemic. Your child is struggling and needs help.

In fairness this was a mixed age classroom, so some kids were 5.5 and had just missed the kindergarten cut off. She was young and less aware than other kids in the class at the time. She’s happy and her normal self 90% of the time, is just when she gets in a down mood, she starts talking about these random things that happened in the past. She’s not constantly focused on it all day every day, you know?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Could it be something new is going on and she’s using the older bullying events as a proxy?

OP here. It’s definitely this. She’s feeling pandemic blues and is looking for something stressful (that probably gave her similar feelings at the time) to channel the sense of general malaise onto. Like I said, she’s not generally an anxious kid so this is new for all of us and really not something that seems out of hand (yet).

I said bullying because today was the first time I actually called it that when we were talking. I think it was cliquey behavior and kids saying “you can’t play with us because you have/aren’t X (not wearing a dress, have short hair, aren’t girly enough).” Calling it bullying helped her sort of retroactively understand what was going on and think about it differently. Maybe it will help the ruminating? But then I really wonder if she’ll latch onto something else to attach her feelings to? Has anyone had this dredging up of ancient history and is it usually a sign of anxiety? What helps besides therapy and talking through the incident? Any specific tools or tips that you’ve found useful?

Gently OP...

Given your child’s age and your reaction, I’d talk to your pediatrician for recommendations. It sounds like you and your child could benefit from therapy, either together or individually. Characterizing 3 year old behavior as bullying is not a solution.

[Anonymous]

I think I would have her make a little book about it with you, to put it to rest. Let her draw pictures of what happened, and you write the words. Include some words about how this kind of thing happens in groups sometimes, and include a page of her drawing herself feeling good and playing with her current friends. Say in the book that she handled it well, and it’s in the past, and if it ever happened again, she is much bigger and more capable now, and will know what to do. Let her get it all out, every detail, and try to hear her completely, and guide her towards resolution. Then, wrap a bow around it and put it on a high shelf and say that it’s over now, and there is no need to think about it any longer.

Then, I would look into how to practice mindfulness and gratitude with her. Her school guidance counselor can give you some resources. You want to frame her thinking into positivity.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:My 5 year old is doing as well as any in the pandemic - stressed, bored, ready to get back to normal, but generally happy with her pod and in good spirits. She's not an anxious kid normally, but may be showing some symptoms lately. She's recently been talking about constant stomach aches, and saying she's sad. When I ask why she's sad she says it's because she can't stop thinking about some mean girl dynamics that happened at preschool TWO YEARS ago. I don't even remember it being a big deal at the time, but I guess a group of girls were exclusionary and picked on some of the other kids. Now she's telling me all kinds of details and clearly thinking about it a lot. Is this just something she's fixating on because she needs somewhere to channel the stress and anxiety we're all feeling? Is this a symptom of anxiety? It's totally foreign to me, but maybe something other kids do?

* When she brings it up we talk about bullies and how to handle mean kids, and try to work through the feelings and talk about how she can handle situations like that next time. She's with her life long BFF now, so I'm sure she's not experiencing any bullying currently.

Has she had exposure to much social interaction this year?,
The best way to deal with bad memories is to over write them with good. That's very hard to do in the pandemic.
Make it a point to get as much social interaction in every week as you csn

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I think I would have her make a little book about it with you, to put it to rest. Let her draw pictures of what happened, and you write the words. Include some words about how this kind of thing happens in groups sometimes, and include a page of her drawing herself feeling good and playing with her current friends. Say in the book that she handled it well, and it’s in the past, and if it ever happened again, she is much bigger and more capable now, and will know what to do. Let her get it all out, every detail, and try to hear her completely, and guide her towards resolution. Then, wrap a bow around it and put it on a high shelf and say that it’s over now, and there is no need to think about it any longer.

Then, I would look into how to practice mindfulness and gratitude with her. Her school guidance counselor can give you some resources. You want to frame her thinking into positivity.

This is a really great idea, thank you PP. I was also thinking about mindfulness activities for her. Her charter is, ahem, unlikely to have much in the way of resources, but I'll google and see if there are any Outschool classes that may fit. She's been liking those lately. Thanks again.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I’m sorry your child is ruminating on things that she recalls happening when she was 3?! And you’re characterizing what happened as bullying and fixating on it?

This doesn’t make sense.

Yes I’d say she is anxious and could use a therapist. Stat.

Your child IS an anxious child.
A 3 year-old is NOT a bully.
Your child is not doing as well as any other child during a pandemic. Your child is struggling and needs help.

BS

[Anonymous]

validation. "that must have been very painful". Be there to listen if she wants to share. "That sounds like it must have hurt a lot".

[Anonymous]

And stop calling it bullying for crying out loud!
It was extremely normal social interaction for that age group. Do not feed into the idea that something traumatic happened. She simply had very little other social interactions to think about other that that stinker one.