Depressed Bipolar Parent w Financial Issues

[goldilox]

My dad’s girlfriend texted me today that she hasn’t seen my dad since the beginning of the month and that he is ‘fed up’ with her pushing him toward medication and getting help. My dad is bipolar and has been either manic or depressed for the last ten years. Prior to that, he was very engaged in life and highly functional. He worked in real estate and the Great Recession really affected him. He has a number of properties that he owns but owes money on, a high mortgage, and is in foreclosure on some of them. I only know this bc my dad’s gf told me. He is owed money by one of his former partners but doesn’t have the energy to get a lawyer and deal with any of it. He’s been to treatment programs and been hospitalized a few times but is not consistent with aftercare. His house is also in total disrepair. My brother and I live on the other side of the country. We want to help, but I’m not sure where to start. I also have tried very hard in the past, spent hours and hours on the phone with doctors etc, and it really had no impact. Any suggestions or BTDT? My parents are divorced. My mom also lives in one of his properties (possibly in foreclosure) but she also gets overwhelmed and likely can’t deal. I call and text him often but he only picks up occasionally. I don’t have disposable income otherwise I’d throw money at this issue and bring in experts. WWYD?

[Anonymous]

I would probably 1) call him then if he doesn't answer text 2) "hey Dad Julie called me and I'm concerned about you. Please let me know if you are ok. I'm here to talk."

That said, my Father has been running a business for YEARS. I even worked for it for years and he refused to discuss the business with me even though I'm in marketing and consulting and could help him.

[Anonymous]

This is my first time posting so didn’t know how to make it Anonymous oops. I’ve had this discussion with my dad on and off for the last ten years. He’s been to residential treatment programs but has trouble with managing his medication and aftercare and it eventually resorts to this. He’s definitely not ‘okay’ but he also doesn’t really want help and just stays inside all day reading and watching tv.

[Anonymous]

At this point I think I’m most concerned with the financial issues. If I could get him a lawyer to at least negotiate for the money he’s owned in one project and then either sell his other properties or file for bankruptcy at least it would be done and not hanging over him. There are stacks and stacks of papers everywhere. For example, I don’t think his car is registered or insured. He is barely hanging on and doesn’t have the mental wherewithal to deal with lawyers or anything really let alone to unpack a series of his financial mistakes (there’s also shame and embarrassment around poor business decisions he made while he was manic). He did have friends but at this point he has been out of the world and isolating for many years.

[Anonymous]

Can you try and protect some or all of his properties by transferring ownership to you or your brother? I don’t think you can so much else in this country of “voluntary mental health treatment”.

[Anonymous]

Re: transferring ownership to my brother or me. I thought my dad’s primary residence was already in a trust for my brother and me as a form of bankruptcy protection bc he had personally guaranteed loans on these other real estate properties. That appears not to be true based on what my dad’s Gf said this morning. Potentially he could sell his house—it has a lot of deferred maintenance but is in the metro NYC area and still has value. For that to happen I think my brother and I would have to handle it bc he is barely making it through the day and doing the bare minimum. My brother is in his late 20s and I’m in my early 30s and we’ve also had some struggles ourselves. We’re both in a good place now which is a blessing but his initial mental breakdown and manic sprees were destabilizing for both of us (during our late teens and 20s). We both partly moved across the country bc it was too sad/difficult to be around the situation without being able to change anything or help.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:This is my first time posting so didn’t know how to make it Anonymous oops. I’ve had this discussion with my dad on and off for the last ten years. He’s been to residential treatment programs but has trouble with managing his medication and aftercare and it eventually resorts to this. He’s definitely not ‘okay’ but he also doesn’t really want help and just stays inside all day reading and watching tv.

So this is the key part. Any solutions, be they legal action, counseling, and/or medication, require your father to want to change and to want to actively participate. Despite intervention-style entertainment scripts and reality TV shows, thee is no way to talk someone into a change they do not want to make. Your father has to decide three things —he’s tired of the consequences of his actions, he thinks his actions can change his life for the better, and he’s ready to make a change. If the loss of two major romantic relationships and impending foreclosures has not been enough to push him toward making a change, then there’s nothing you can do or say that will make that final push. There’s also no particular reason why your influence would be stronger than your father’s partner’s influence.

I’m sorry. It is so hard to see a loved one suffer. Unfortunately, there’s no way to solve someone else’s problem. We can only help people who are already committed to taking active steps. If for example, you could send in a lawyer to recover money, your dad would still have to get treatment and run his business thereafter.

I sincerely hope your father reappears soon, and I hope some good news is coming for your family.

[Anonymous]

Thank you--I agree with you re the person can only be helped if they want help. I think my dad's partner believes that mental health is different and that since my dad is so depressed he needs and deserves our help. I have jumped in multiple times over the past ten years, and nothing has stuck. It is very sad and painful, but I have sort of accepted it. I think his GF believes that since he loves us more than anything we might be able to compel him to change. I think if this were true we would have "solved" these issues 10 years ago, but clearly, it doesn't work like that.

[Anonymous]

Only caveat is if you live in PA or a state with filial duty laws. Then your dad going broke would directly impact you.

If your dad can’t or won’t help himself, not much you can do short of declaring him incompetent and getting power of attorney. And it seems he is competent enough to torpedo those proceedings. I don’t know what the procedure is if he goes totally absent but if he is answering texts, etc., every couple weeks, that won’t fit the bill.

If the primary house is in a trust in your names then contact the trust attorney to see what rights you may have. Probably none, but worth the ask.

Maybe you can call the banks he is in mortgage to and offer to buy the places but that is dependent on your comfort/cash flow and the bank being willing to play ball. The houses may be in horrible condition.

Good luck OP.