Stepmother in law dynamic

[Anonymous]

I have been married over 10 years and this had just dawned on me recently. DH's parents are divorced and both remarried for the entire time Ive known them. Since he was a kid.

His family lives far away, so we don't see them but a few times a year, less during Covid. I mostly think they are great.

But, I don't take it too personally, but I feel like I feel a sense that his stepmother in law is less happy for his/our good times, and has (schadenfreude?) if we go through a tough time.

This recently struck me how she reacted to a family health situation with my immediate family, and other things. Sometimes it just seems reacting that it is different that DH got a law degree and moved to this area, while stepsiblings (no half siblings) remained in small town.

I brush it off, but it struck me.

[Anonymous]

I don't follow....

[Anonymous]

You just realized that you husband's parents divorced and remarried when he was a kid?

[Anonymous]

I’ve noticed the same dynamic . Not like this exactly but more defensive of her blood child and talks down to us a bit. My husband just said it’s because it’s obvious we are doing well and it’s not so obvious for her blood son.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I’ve noticed the same dynamic . Not like this exactly but more defensive of her blood child and talks down to us a bit. My husband just said it’s because it’s obvious we are doing well and it’s not so obvious for her blood son.

It's this. Typing from my phone so my original post was not worded as clearly as it might have been.

[Anonymous]

Quite normal, especially if your husband is doing better or perceived to be doing better than her biological children.

[Anonymous]

OP in our situation, his stepmom and dad are also wealthy and help the biological kids significantly to appear a certain level of success. It’s sort of annoying. I think it’s just an insecurity that stems from them wanting their kids to achieve certain things and falling short. In our situation, her biological son is doing well and just fine (he’s young and in 20’s) but for some reason it’s important to her that he appears to be doing significantly better than his peers or even siblings, which doesn’t even make sense when he’s 10 years younger. So they stepped in and helped him buy a 1.5 mil house to appear to be doing better than he is. No one else got help.

[Anonymous]

Or, OP, you’re projecting your own feelings onto her reactions. Like, she should fall over you guys because your DH got a law degree and moved to the big city, so you must be VERY IMPORTANT.

Not everyone in the world considers working 80 hours a week and keeping up with the Joneses a “better life”. There’s plenty of people realizing that since COVID hit.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Or, OP, you’re projecting your own feelings onto her reactions. Like, she should fall over you guys because your DH got a law degree and moved to the big city, so you must be VERY IMPORTANT.

Not everyone in the world considers working 80 hours a week and keeping up with the Joneses a “better life”. There’s plenty of people realizing that since COVID hit.

+1
Nailed it! Something is definitely off about OP.

[Anonymous]

So her DH's adult children are doing better (more successful?) than her own adult children?

Huge judgement is common, unfortunately, when family members "leave" their hometown ( ...what! you think you're better than this place ...?!)

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I have been married over 10 years and this had just dawned on me recently. DH's parents are divorced and both remarried for the entire time Ive known them. Since he was a kid.

His family lives far away, so we don't see them but a few times a year, less during Covid. I mostly think they are great.

But, I don't take it too personally, but I feel like I feel a sense that his stepmother in law is less happy for his/our good times, and has (schadenfreude?) if we go through a tough time.

This recently struck me how she reacted to a family health situation with my immediate family, and other things. Sometimes it just seems reacting that it is different that DH got a law degree and moved to this area, while stepsiblings (no half siblings) remained in small town.

I brush it off, but it struck me.

I think you’re confused, OP. Posts like this are meant for your journal or your blog.

[Anonymous]

OK?

What’s your question?

What’s your point?

[Anonymous]

So, where is DH’s bio mom? Is she happy for her son? That’s all that matters. Also, maybe step MIL doesn’t see your little family often enough so she is a bit distant. Unless she says something mean, let it go.

[Anonymous]

I’ve also posted upthreas, but I’m also confused OP... do you expect your DHs stepmother to be as interested in your (DILs) family as she would about her own biological children? It’s like removal double, and it’s even especially weird because you apparently do not live anywhere near them.

[Anonymous]

My SMIL is just like this. She only wants her kid to do well and be happy and she feels very competitive about FIL's kids. She loves when things don't work out as long as they don't bother FIL. If they look to him for support she sends them to their siblings. She wants to hear the bad news and then be left alone. If you bother who too much she will flat out tell them they are losers and what they need to do.