Feel like I’m missing out

[Anonymous]

Feel like I’m spending good quantity of time with the kids (several children under 10) but still feel like I’m missing out and the time is going by so quickly. It makes me really sad. My wife is sah parent and I work from home full time. Still still still, I feel like I’m missing out on just connecting with them emotionally that it literally brings me to tears several night. (Very well may be COVID is mind-f***ing me.) I have a successful career but couldn’t care less and, were money limitless, I would gladly just stop (I don’t have any grand professional aspirations) working and spend quality time with the family and really connect.

Any other parents feel this way? How have you addressed this in your life.

[Anonymous]

Bro you work from home.

[Anonymous]

I don’t, but if hazard that lots do.

First question to ask is how does your wife feel? Maybe it might make sense to switch for a while. Maybe she could go back to work and you could stay home.

Or, if she likes being home too - could you maybe both work part time?

[Anonymous]

I totally get you. My husband and I choose to not make a ton of money to have more time with our children. In the end, this is what makes us truly happy.

Find a way, OP. My kids are now 15 and 10, and I don't know where the time went! Even though I spend a lot of time with them! The 15 year old is being told at school to start preparing for the SAT, and think about which courses to take to place himself strategically for college and that he should start to think about where he'd like to go, and I'm like... WAIT A MINUTE. Just yesterday I was changing your diaper, buddy.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:
I totally get you. My husband and I choose to not make a ton of money to have more time with our children. In the end, this is what makes us truly happy.

Find a way, OP. My kids are now 15 and 10, and I don't know where the time went! Even though I spend a lot of time with them! The 15 year old is being told at school to start preparing for the SAT, and think about which courses to take to place himself strategically for college and that he should start to think about where he'd like to go, and I'm like... WAIT A MINUTE. Just yesterday I was changing your diaper, buddy.

+1000. Blink of an eye and they are off on their own.

[Anonymous]

I have a niece who I FaceTime once a week. We are connected emotionally. If you are not connected emotionally with your children who you LIVE with, then it's the way you're interacting with them.

[Anonymous]

I’m the sahp in our family and what we’ve prioritized is a schedule where the working parent gets quality time with the kids everyday. They do 80% of the bedtime routine. They take the kids out by themselves every weekend. Time moves fast for everybody but our hope is that building the bonds now will lead to a strong, happy family in the future.

[Anonymous]

The covid is making all of us crazy. So much time together but still so tired of each other. We all need a break from each other so that we'll be able to connect when we're together.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I have a niece who I FaceTime once a week. We are connected emotionally. If you are not connected emotionally with your children who you LIVE with, then it's the way you're interacting with them.

This. FT WFH in a non-demanding job with a SAHW... you should have all the ingredients for a lot of quality time and emotional connection.

Is it possible you’re being too hard on yourself? Maybe going through a mid-life crisis?

[Anonymous]

Quantity isn't quality. When you're with your kids do you have your phone? Are you wearing your Apple watch? Is the television on in the background? If you want your time with your kids to really matter, make sure you'll fully present. It's amazing how so many people will say they spend hours with their kids but really they were only half present, at best. Do what your kids want to do - get involved in a board game, get on the floor and play with their toys, have them help you in the kitchen when you cook (after letting them choose the meal and work with you to figure out the ingredients).

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:The covid is making all of us crazy. So much time together but still so tired of each other. We all need a break from each other so that we'll be able to connect when we're together.

My husband and I couldn't figure out why we felt somewhat disconnected sometimes even though we were literally spending 24 hours a day 7 days a week right next to each other. Then we realized it was because most of that time was doing things, like getting the kids ready, making dinner, folding laundry, working, etc. We decided to carve out time where the two of us were doing what WE wanted to do, and then we were able to really connect. Being in close proximity to someone doesn't make you close to them. I think that's the issue OP is having. He feels like because he's in the same house as his kids all the time he should be close to them. But being near someone doesn't mean you're connecting with them. And actually it can make you feel more disconnected because you FEEL like you should be closer than you are.

[Anonymous]

I get it. But with work from home, can't you build in more time? Especially because right now they are home with you -- at some point Covid will end and they'll be back in school (even if you continent o WFH).

I sometimes feel crazy with our little one at home right now, but I am also very cognizant of how I'll feel when she finally goes back to school. Relieved, yes, plus I know it's the right thing for her. But I'm going to miss late morning snuggles in bed now that no one has to commute, and lunchtime walks, and just being there for her as she continues to learn about the world and herself. It's going to be hard, so I'm trying to soak up as much as I can right now.

And yes, agree with PPs that if this is how you feel, it is worth it to make sure you have a job that allows you to prioritize family. I had my kid later in life and rapidly realized that this one my one shot at being a mom. I wound up quitting my job to stay home for a couple years, and when I went back, I insisted on finding a job with flexible hours, remote work, and where no one would be angry if it was clear my job was my second priority. It means making a lot less money, but I am happy with my choice. We've come to love our smaller home and our simpler vacations because we get to share them with our wonderful daughter. My husband also has a low-stress job with easy hours, and we are not rich at all, but we are very, very happy.

Family is everything.

[Anonymous]

How many kids is several? Cherish this time now while you’re home and they’re little and still like you. Once adolescence hits, they can really become completely different people in a matter of days.

[Anonymous]

My DH and I have 3 kids. I’m the SAP but he’s working from home during Covid. He’s taken over breakfast responsibilities with the kids 7 days a week while I exercise, and it’s turned into such a sweet, intimate routine for them to share. They talk about breakfast options and new recipes. They cook together. They take turns picking music or a podcast to listen to during breakfast. They clean up. It’s their own thing that they have together, and I think it’s helped with their bonding. It’s a win-win bc I get to exercise and take care of my mental and physical health, too. It’s such a simple, mundane thing, but lots of connection is being built in the routine.

[Anonymous]

What do you do to connect with your kids? Play board games? Do read-alouds (there are approximately 100 books out there on how to connect with kids via read-alouds and the value of doing so)? Practice sports outside? Work on family chores together (I'm not joking about that one)?

Connection is really not hard. It's doing life together.