Going West for College
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Anonymous
| My daughter applied to a ton of colleges on the West Coast. She really loves it and I know she feels at home when we've been there. Obviously, I have some concerns about her being so far but I trust her and think it would be great for her to explore new environments. We've lived in Mount Kisco, Bethesda, and Villanova so that plus the adjacent cities have been her whole world. However, she's beginning to have some concerns. We have a huge, tight knit family here on the East Coast and she doesn't want to miss out. She could go anywhere from Boston to Atlanta and be surrounded by cousins and aunts and uncles and there are constant family gatherings (less so during COVID, of course) and events centered in DC or Philly. We don't know anyone in California, Oregon, or Washington and she wouldn't be able to come home for the little things. I really understand her concern and I feel it too but it is her only hesitation about moving to the west coast for school (her three top "dream" schools are all in California) and I don't want it to hold her back. How can I help her feel more comfortable? Should I? I'm proud that she loves us all but it's important to me that she live her life. |
Anonymous
| She understands pros and cons. Let her work thru her own decision making process and just be there for her. She will make new friends out there soon enough. |
Anonymous
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I grew up in the Midwest and went to college on the East Coast, a flight or very long drive away from anyone I knew. Sometimes it was hard because my parents weren’t paying for anything and didn’t understand how expensive flights at holiday breaks were, yet they piled on the pressure to come home for every family event. But otherwise it was a wonderful experience and gave me wings. It was an adventure and adventures aren’t always easy but they’re often worth it. Sure, some kids had relatives closer by and a bigger support system, but plenty of other kids were from thousands of miles away or other continents.
We have moved a ton and now live in Washington state and have friends all over the US. We live near a college campus and are lucky to have babysitters who are students from around the world. We love hearing about their lives and do our best to take extra good care of them since they’re so far from their families. Your daughter sounds brave and open to expanding her horizons; wherever she ends up, she has the right balanced attitude about pursuing independence. |
Anonymous
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OP - you don't "try to make her feel comfortable". That's not your place. She's entitled to her own preference. And if it turns out she's scared and doesn't want to go, that's her preference.
You should encourage her to apply widely, so she has choices. Even if they are last minute. Of course she should apply to 1 in-state, a school where she would likely have HS classmates. Just in case. She should also apply to other schools on the East Coast, that at least, feel kinda-close. |
Anonymous
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This has to be her decision that she's comfortable with. Staying near family is a choice that tons of people make for a wide variety of reasons and it's a totally valid one.
My own brother fled west for college, stayed out there, hates the East Coast, and won't come back. It's been almost 15 years at this point. The only other place he's willing to move to is the EU (his wife has Italian citizenship). His relationship with my mother was strained and I guess distance makes the heart grow fonder but it hasn't really helped mend anything either. Even before Covid we saw him maybe once a year. Now it's been almost 2. So be careful what you wish for! |
Anonymous
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Hmmm....my son goes to school in Colorado. Mainly because he loves mountain biking and snowboarding. It's his decision, not mine. I don't baby him (maybe this is a gender thing? Since you her a girl?) and let him work it out himself.
We also visit him as well. We are actually all in Colorado now skiing. He wanted to stick around and with the pandemic and remote work we are able to take a nice ling trip for some beautiful powder snow. This is not the end of the world. Let her figure it out. |
Anonymous
| It is part of growing up and gaining independence. she won't need to come home for "little things" because she can take care of them herself. |
Anonymous
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You're a great mom for wanting to support her yet giving her the space to figure things out for herself.
My ILs have a big close knit family where almost no one strayed very far for school or work. They're also incredibly homogeneous in thoughts and habits, sometimes exhibiting a scary degree of group think. I think it's great to live near extended family once you're married and starting a family of your own. Until then, it's healthy, even desirable, to flex your wings and learn to carve out a path for oneself. |
Anonymous
Good on you for being supportive. My own mother talked me out of my first choice school, and while I have a good group of friends from college, I've always harbored some regret (distance wasn't the issue, for my mom it was going to school in a large-ish city). I would help her talk through the pros and cons with an emphasis that it's her choice and maybe reassurance that you can/will fly her home X times a year so she'll know that she can be home for Christmas, etc. And don't be surprised if she makes the choice to go but then finds herself incredibly homesick and needing support to work through that. |
Anonymous
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My daughter did the opposite- West Coast to East for college with zero family or friends in surrounding area. While I do believe it was wonderful for her overall burgeoning independence and growth, the distance became very difficult when health issues erupted in a previously healthy athlete. Make sure she signs a HIPAA and FERPA release. I would also advise you to make new patient appointments with a GP and a dentist- I would not rely on school health center. Make sure your budget can withstand travel home and potential emergency visits to Ca. I would also consider buying her an inexpensive car for sophomore year - after a freshman year in the dorms, most kids move off campus. It is difficult to navigate in Ca without a car. |
Anonymous
I agree that it's up to her. But, if she decides it's important to her to stay closer to family I wouldn't characterize that as "she's scared". How demeaning. She's deciding what she values most. Wanting to be close to family doesn't mean you are afraid to not be near family. |
Anonymous
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When our son decided on Stanford we told him that every month either someone would visit him or we would fly him home. So between siblings, exDH, Grandfather and me, DS could always look forward to a visit. Plus we talked and FaceTimed multiple times a week.
Yeah, you're going to miss family dinners and birthdays - that's part of college. You're also going to bring home a rando from college occasionally. |
Anonymous
| But scared is ok too. Some would be scared, some would decide against for other reasons. |
Anonymous
NP here. Not always, bu very often it does. And being scared is not demeaning, you need to check yourself and your hangups. |
Anonymous
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Your job as her mom is not to make her comfortable at all times, and if, that's what you have been doing you have done her a disservice that might make this more difficult for her.
Let her figure it out say or go, go and return, and possibly ho again. Just support her. Oh and if she does go don't constantly whine about her missing second cousin sally's 15 th anniversary of the time she saw a bluebird |